Being a Ragamuffin, by M

As I think back on my (few) years of adult life thus far, I'm able to recall a couple of seasons in which I was absolutely sure that God was trying to get my attention about something. Although I'm guessing that this actually happens far more than I realize... there have been a few instances in which I was tuned in enough (or perhaps God was sufficiently loud enough) to turn my attention definitively towards Him and what He wanted me to learn. In the last couple of weeks, it has become clear to me that I once again find myself in such a season. God seems to be coming at me from all sides and in all manner of ways with this one request... learn that you are a ragamuffin. Know that I love you anyway.

I think that probably sounds dramatic, but stay with me! It seems as though every book I read, every sermon I listen to, every song that plays through my Pandora is speaking to me on this theme. And what great timing too - as my ongoing adjustment to being the "new girl" in full-time ministry, wedding planning, wife-preparedness, etc leaves me often feeling that I am far from perfect and prone to come up short. As a recovering perfectionist, this sense of personal/professional "failure" is familiar territory; however, God is showing me that my response to it must be learned anew.

My small group has been reading Brennan Manning's best-selling The Ragamuffin Gospel for the past two months. I had been familiar with the book for several years but had never actually ventured to read it until just now. Having loved one of Manning's other classics Abba's Child, I felt confident that this book would probably rock my world and/or give me a good old punch to the gut. The truth is, I was right. Manning speaks about God's love and grace in a way that we just don't hear much now-a-days. He begs his readers to ponder the question, "do you truly believe the Gospel is good news?" 

Here's one story from the book that really spoke to me. Manning, a recovering alcoholic, relays an astounding demonstration of grace that he was witness to one evening:

"On a sweltering summer night in New Orleans, sixteen recovering drug addicts and alcoholics gather for their weekly AA meeting... They have been meeting on Tuesday nights for several years and they know each other well. Some talk to each other daily on the telephone, others socialize outside the meetings. The personal investment in one another's sobriety is sizable... That night, Jack was the appointed leader. 'The theme I would like to talk about tonight is gratitude' he began, 'but if anyone wants to talk about something else, let's hear it.' 

Immediately Phil's hand shot up.

'As you all know, last week I went up to Pennsylvania to visit family and missed the meeting. You know I have been sober for seven years. Last Monday I got drunk and stayed drunk for five days.'

The only sound in the room was the drip of Mr. Coffee in the corner.

'You all know the buzzword H.A.L.T in this program,' he continued. 'Don't let yourself get hungry, angry, lonely, or tired or you will be very vulnerable for the first drink. The last three got to me. I unplugged the jug and...' 

Phil's voice choked and he lowered his head. I glanced around the table - moist eyes, tears of compassion, soft sobbing the only sound in the room. 

'The same thing happened to me, Phil, but I stayed drunk for a year.'

'Thank God you're back.'

'Boy, that took a lot of guts.'

'Relapse spells relief, Phil,' said a substance abuse counselor. 'Let's get together tomorrow and figure out what you needed relief from and why.'

'I'm so proud of you.'

'Hell, I never made it even close to seven years.'

As the meeting ended, Phil stood up. He felt a hand on his shoulder, another on his face. Then kisses on his eyes, forehead, neck, and cheek. 'You old ragamuffin,' said Denise. 'Let's go. I'm treating you to a banana split at the Tastee Freeze." 

-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel pages 66-68

As I read this story the first time around, I caught myself holding my breath as this man revealed his sin to his peers. I anticipated them to react in anger and betrayal... "how could you?" "How could you do this to us?" I expected Phil to likely be kicked out of the group and invited back only when he got his life a little more together. Instead, the reactions of his fellow members floored me. I couldn't believe how quickly they were to not only forgive Phil, not only to show him mercy, but to show him such beautiful grace and love. It makes me really question why the Church does not very often act similarly to the mistakes and sins of her members? 

On top of that, however, is the question of "do I really believe that that is how God reacts to me in my sin?" Manning argues (with hefty scriptural support throughout the book) that the tenderness and love exemplified by those recovering alcoholics is just a small slice of the grace, mercy, and love that God has for us. Do I really believe that? 

Most of the time, I feel like I don't. I know in my brain that God loves me and that I need his grace to be saved through my faith in His son Jesus. But do I live and breathe as though God desperately desires to lavish his love on me and be just like that dad that kisses his daughter's "boo-boos"? Especially those wounds, those mistakes, those sins, those let-downs, etc that I bring upon myself? I am learning that I will never be more or less in His eyes than that small child with the skinned knee who makes messes, who runs away, and who does all sorts of things because she just doesn't know better. And yet, He is not waiting for me to "grow up." He's not waiting for me to get it together, or reach perfection, or just cut it out. Instead, He says "Come here. Let me comfort you. I love you... it's okay."

...and even if that conversation happens 100 times a day, every day for my whole life, He just desires that I keep coming back. He is the Comforter, the Redeemer, the Forgiver, and more... That is good news! And now I am in the process of learning how to rest in it.

God's Best, by M

Happy November, everyone! Hard to believe, isn't it!?

This post will be another chapter in the chronicles of "things that are strange about being engaged." I'm just learning so much these days! The big thing recently is about comparison. I know I'm like the billionth blogger to talk about this... so, perhaps skip this one if you want or at least give me some grace for the topic. haha That would be great!

Anyway, something about this whole season is making me extra sensitive to the temptation to compare. Perhaps it's because it seems like people are getting engaged every other day, perhaps it's because a solid handful of my coworkers are engaged or have gotten married just since I've been here, or perhaps it's just the nature of the beast. In any case, I feel like comparing is all I want to do these days. Is her dress prettier than mine? Is her color scheme going to be better than mine? Is her almost-husband helping her more or less than mine is? Seriously, it is a constant temptation to indulge these thoughts.

I wonder if part of this temptation is the fact that engagement makes life all-about-you for a period of time. When else in life do people act so happy for you, are they so eager to shower you with gifts, or so forthcoming with their affirmations of your beauty, your figure, your taste? It's kind of bizarre how much attention engagement brings you... from loving family members and friends to random women out and about. It feels good, to be honest, but it's also a dangerous thing, I think. And that's where the comparisons come in. If you are the center of the universe, suddenly other people being engaged and/or getting their own attention becomes very threatening. Their sparklier rings or prettier decorations or more helping fiances take attention away from you. And for some reason, getting attention breeds the desire for more attention, and this all becomes very bothersome.

On top of that is this weird realization that while, on the one hand, you're getting all of these things you've been dreaming about forever (the ring! the dress! the husband!) you're also saying adios to large portions of that very dream (goodbye beach wedding! goodbye ballgown! goodbye future husband that sings like Dave Barnes!). Does that make sense? As you settle into the reality of what your dream is actually turning out to be, there are many things that you realize it actually will never be. And there's the tempation again for more comparisons... but this time, it's with your fictional version of this story versus the reality of your story. The thing is... my reality is NOT bad. It is NOT AT ALL bad, but actually very, very, abundantly good. But it's also not always going to live up to the fairytale, nor will my circumstances always live up to or trump every single other almost-brides' that exists in the whole world. So I want to compare... and I want to be the "winner" of these comparisons. But playing that game never pays. I can't judge the value of my life and my circumstances solely on how they stack up to other people, real or fictional. It's just not healthy or productive.

So I've been trying to take a different approach when I feel the temptation to compare. Instead of indulging it and feeling better by rationalizing why or how someone's whatever-it-may-be is actually not better than mine, I'm trying to take a step back. I take a good look and I remind myself:

"M, this is exactly what God wanted for you." 

"God gave you this man."

"God gave you this body."

"God gave you this wedding."

"God gave you these talents."

And He saw fit to give me these things for a reason. So I can get stressed about how other brides seem so much more talented than I am at coordinating colors (for example haha), or I can find rest in the knowledge that God's plan for me just didn't include that gift. I can feel bad that parts of my wedding are not going to look like I've always envisioned, or I can take comfort in the fact that this is what God has for me. And while it may be different, or the world may say that some elements are not-as-good, it is God's best. All of these things are God's will for me and my life. Can't God's best be good enough for me?

That is what I'm working on.

Trusting your Gut... or Not

Hi there! It's almost November. WHAT? How did this even happen? If you're like me, this fall has seriously flown by. I can't even tell you what I've been doing or how things are going because honestly, I can't keep track of what day it is. Time flies when you're having fun, I guess.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about how our culture views intuition. I would argue that we, as American's, are certainly a data-driven, results-based, logical set of people. We evaluate staff performance using numerical values for what tend to be vague ideas (such as "enthusiam"), we make pro- and con- lists to inform decisions, we bury our children in standardized tests and curriculum aligned to various 5-point scale standards, and we're trying desperately to keep up with China and India to produce more "knowledge workers" as the world becomes more focused on science, technology, engineering, and math careers. This is clearly not my area of strength.

And yet, we also display this underlying current of wanting to trust what we deeply feel to be true, even in the face of contradictory, logical information.

(This election just may be the perfect example of this phenomenon, but that is another post for another time!)

There is an entire market now for classes, books, and trainings that show people how to reconnect to their emotions, and perhaps more importantly, their intuition. We watch the "Long Island Medium," and read "Blink," and think that maybe there's something we're missing. Is it because we really care? Or because we don't want to be outpaced by others who might be using this "secret skill" of connecting with a 6th sense of some sort? I'm not sure, but I definitely think it's interesting.

Why? Because my intuition STINKS. I think my intuition is darn near broken.

Years of struggling with anxiety has thrown my system out of whack. That flight or fight mode that's supposed to alert you to danger? It goes off when I'm clearly perfectly safe. The surge of adrenaline that is supposed to help you lift cars off the ground when someone is trapped? It kicks in whenever it  pleases. And even worse, that reality-sensor that helps you distinguish between a pulled muscle and and an obviously about-to-burst appendix? Non-existent.

In my life, my gut always tells me it's the about-to-burst appendix, if not something worse.

So then what? What happens when "trust your gut" isn't an option because YOUR GUT TELLS YOU LIES?

You realize that what you're believing is not your gut, but fear, and that the lies you hear are not from you but from Satan...because he knows that the thorn in MY side is actually in my gut.

Sometimes I get jealous of people who seem to have an instinctive knowledge of what to do or what's going on. I get frustrated that I can't trust my own brain to tell me the truth. I get upset that I expend so much energy trying to figure out where the anxiety response is coming from, only to realize that, again, it's a false alarm stemming from no actual threat.

But then I think... this thorn in my gut makes me turn to others and turn to Him. If I know I can't trust my gut or my brain to give me the truth, I seek His Truth more fervently. If I can't convince myself that I'm not dying (...again), I connect with those around me for reassurance more frequently. If this fear response is helping me to "lean not on my own understanding," and "keep from thinking of myself too highly," and if it reminds me, constantly, of the call to die to myself so that I may live fully in Him... then it's okay. It's more than okay; it's the greatest gift I've ever received, short of the Lord himself through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

It's amazing to see how the Lord really can use all things for His good... even take an area of my weakness that Satan frequently makes a home in, and use it to steer me ever closer to Him and His truth.

It's heavy, right? Having to break out of this "rely on logic stance" AND this "rely on feelings" stance to gain the (much more important) "rely on God" stance.

But it's worth it, because THAT is where the Truth is. That is where we should be studying, and that is what is going to help us get ahead on the correct path.

So, I say... trust your gut? No, trust your God. You'll get a better answer that way.

Helping, by M

Ever since I first started my new job nearly two months ago, I've been meaning to post my thoughts about the transition and what I'm enjoying and learning in my new position. Well, even though it has taken me about 6 weeks longer than I anticipated... the day has finally come! It's funny because I'm sure my thoughts are much different now than they were 6 weeks ago, but this will have to suffice.

As many of you probably know, I recently left my previous job at a nationwide non-profit to work in full-time ministry for my church. This was a very welcome change for me and, honestly, somewhat of a dream come true. Although my various life plans throughout the years never included ministry, I did fall in love with my church almost immediately upon arriving in Atlanta, and getting paid to facilitate the very environments that made me come to love it is truly the biggest gift. I absolutely believe in what this church is doing for the Gospel of Christ and count it a true privilege to serve the Kingdom in this way.

My job description has three parts to it: department administration, program management, and "director's assistant." Now, I have a lot of experience in the program management piece and my personality leans heavily toward adminstration, so those sounded just great to me. Being someone's assistant? Now that was another story. I had mixed emotions about it... At first I had visions of Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada... alternately, I imagined myself having to babysit a full-grown adult. At times I felt kind of intrigued by this new opportunity and at other times I felt my pride getting in the way of my excitement. After all, didn't I graduate summa cum laude from college? Don't I have two degrees? Did I really work so hard my whole life just to be someone's assistant?

Turns out, the assistant piece of my job is actually the one that I have been enjoying the most (surprise!?). It's so weird to me that this is the case. Part of that is definitely because my boss is young, cool, flexible, and generally awesome, which helps. haha But there is more to it than that... early on, I found myself questioning "why am I actually enjoying this so much?" "what about this speaks to my heart in such a way?" at first I thought it was because it utilizes many of my natural gifts (which is true): organization, administration, responsibility, follow-through, etc. But there was still something even bigger than that. One day, probably when I should have been sleeping, I was pondering this and it just came to me...

I am really enjoying being the "helper."

Now, for those of you who know your scripture, you may immediately connect the dots back to when God created Eve in the Garden... that's where my brain went. I'm sure y'all have heard the story about how God created the world, and He created Adam and everything was good... except, that it was "not good" for Adam to be alone. So God declares "I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18) and that is when (and why) He creates Eve.

To be honest, I was never really down with the idea of being a "helper." It just sounded too... lesser than for my tastes. Yet, many Bible scholars have pointed out that "helper" in the original language is the same word that God often refers to himself by. For example Psalm 54:4 or Hebrews 13:6. I have read before that the word "helper" here includes this idea of rescuer. God has "helped" us acheive salvation; He has rescued us from the consequences of our sin. Likewise, Eve helps... women help... sometimes we women rescue men from themselves. Does that sound about right, lady friends?! haha

Anyway, what I'm finding in my role as a "professional helper" is that my job is very important. Every day my boss thinks I'm a hero because I'm able to accomplish things that he is simply not naturally wired to do well. And every day I am serving my boss and serving my team in a way that is consistent with the way I was designed by my creator. And it just feels... like the way things should be. It has been a really good fit for me.

I definitely have more that I can say about the job, and I probably will in time. However, that's my tidbit for the night. Off to get a good sleep before another day of work tomorrow!

Allowing Myself Time to Recalibrate

It's W. In case there was any doubt, M and I definitely are twins cause we always want to post on the same days. And when I see that she's already posted, I typically decide to save my thoughts for later... and then I never end up posting them and she gets mad at me. So, please make sure you read her post below this as well!

It's hard to believe that T and I have been here in Nashville for nearly 3 months already. That's a quarter of a year! The time has FLOWN by. We've had more visitors than the past 2 years combined, we bought a second car, are adjusting to having only one TV, finally got internet and cable at the same time after 7 weeks of waiting, and are settling into a new church and a new Community Group within that church.

And I find myself crying a fair amount. Maybe it's because I'm still adjusting to life without mood-stabilizing medication (that conversation begins a few posts back, if you're interested), but I also think that I underestimated how much work it was going to take to rearrange our lives to a "new normal," even in this city that we love so much.

In my mind, Nashville was the promised land. It was the light at the end of the tunnel for two long, sometimes dark, and often lonely years. It seemed out of grasp for a long, long time and then suddenly it wasn't. And suddenly we're here. And suddenly I'm realizing that while the grass is certainly greener here in many, many ways... in some ways it's not.

You mean I can't ACTUALLY have it all? Dang.

I've always had a really hard time with transitions. It seems to take me a lot longer to recalibrate than most other people. I have long used a particular example to illustrate my trouble with change-- it's like I'm stepping off of a moving carousel onto a treadmill at full speed. It takes me a pretty long while to regain my balance, figure out which way is up, find a steady pace, and become comfortable again.  I'm still in this recalibration phase here. And sometimes, it makes me cry.

I'm learning that just because people you care about live close to you in proximity, it doesn't mean you have a community... unless you actually SEE them. And for me, seeing anyone with regularity has been difficult.

I'm learning that having T home at a reasonable hour, while AWESOME, also means I need to find my "me" time elsewhere in my day.

I'm learning that I need the Lord in the midst of my circumstances, even when everything is "right" on paper...especially when things aren't "right" in my heart.

And finally, I'm learning that there is no place (not here nor there nor anywhere) that, in and of itself, will give me a full heart.

Filling a heart takes a lot of work, time, and energy. It takes people who are actively committed to investing in you and your life. It takes boundaries and knowing when and how to say "No" to the demands of your job. It takes purposeful and intentional outreach. And it takes God, and specifically, it takes making time to speak with God and making time in your life for God to work.

For some reason (although I really should know better by now), I was expecting that this transition would be seamless. And in many ways, it has. Amidst all of these complaints that I've just laid out (ha!), things are really good here. And in navigating the places that haven't been, I'm growing as a person, as a wife, and as a Child of God. But I'm still ready to be settled, you know?

So, more prayers please. And to be really vulnerable... if you live here, please hang out with me!! Y'all have gone on to add a ton more friends to your circles these past 2 years and we haven't. We need you cause you're still the only people we know here. Please come alongside of us as we get settled here.

That's it for now. Dinner time, and hopefully T will be home soon. Love you guys!

Thoughts on this Season, by M

I have a lot of thoughts and ideas floating through my brain right now, and unfortunately, very little time to record them here. I'm hoping that after we get a few more "big wedding decisions" made in the next few weeks, my brain will regain some space and my calendar will, too. haha Here's hoping!

So, really, I'm just writing this time to give you all a little glimpse into my brain these last couple of weeks. I can't say that I've gotten anything all figured out, or that this is meant to be conclusive or profound in any way. Just the humble reflections of a simple girl who is dearly loved by God. Maybe it'll be interesting to you...?

This season of life has been a little strange for me. Not strange in a bad way, but strange in an "I can't believe this is really happening" kind of way. You see, like probably every other girl in the universe, I've been waiting for this season for a long time and I've watched many other people experience it through the years, thinking to myself "when will it be my turn?" And I'm not necessarily talking about just the engagement ring or just the wedding planning... but moreso this feeling of like "finally... things are right." I've been around long enough to know that these seasons are few and far between when it seems as though everything has fallen into place! And, honestly, it feels strange to be the one living it instead of being the one watching and (honestly) envying from the sidelines.

So I've been thinking and processing a lot about it. How can I enjoy this time, praise God for it, be a good steward of these blessings, and yet not forget where I've been, or what battles others may be facing at this time that I rejoice? I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own joy that I forget these things, you know? The best that I've come up with so far is this...

1) I can praise God shamelessly for doing "immeasurably more than all [I] asked for or imagined." (Ephesians 3:20). Seriously. My life these days is unbelievably good beyond all my imaginings or the things I thought to ask for. God has truly searched my heart, taken account of my needs, and graciously given me so much more than I have ever dreamed of. And I say this not from an arrogant heart but from a humble heart that is IN AWE of how great God is. A friend recently quoted some wise theologian and said, "we say 'God is good,' but the reality is 'goodness is God.'" Amen!

2) I can remember how far He has brought me. The Bible makes much of the discipline of remembering. How many times did prophets in the Old Testament proclaim to the people of Israel that they were meant to remember God's works on their behalf and then repent of their sin? Over and over and over, they were reminded... "hey, remember that time God fed you in the desert?" "Remember that time he led you safely out of Egypt?" "Remember that time that God spared your first-borns?" Etc, etc. etc. We are meant to remember as an act of worship. It helps put us in proper context with God. "I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago." (Psalm 77:11). In my life, in this season, remembering helps me to praise God for how much He has done for me; yet,  it also helps me to keep in mind that seasons of joy come and seasons of pain come, and neither last forever. I can have confidence that just as the Lord walked with me and delivered me from seasons of pain in the past, He will be faithful to do the same for such seasons in the future. And they will come, but I need not fear it.

3) Finally, I can trust in the fact I am blessed and dearly loved outside of my circumstances. I'll be honest, it feels great to be in a stage where things are happy, easy, and comfortable(!). I waited a long time for this stage! However, I don't want to preach the prosperity gospel, or send a message to anyone that this season for me means that I'm somehow "more blessed" than I was in the past, or "more blessed" than anyone else in this life. I want to praise and worship the Giver and not the gifts. I want to praise God for who He is, outside of what He does. So, I'm blessed now that I'm getting married in less than 6 months, and was blessed 2.5 years ago when I remember vividly being a sobbing heap on my closet floor (yes, that happened). Our prize is not jobs or husbands or income or anything, but God himself and the "glory that is to be revealed to us." (Romans 8:18)

So, those are my thoughts. This turned out much longer and deeper than I anticipated. Hope y'all enjoyed it... or at least kept reading until the end!

Perspective, by M

I am so thankful for this very moment - to sit on the couch during a lazy Saturday, spend time with the best twin sister a girl could ask for, do some preliminary bridesmaid dress shopping (or, rather, looking), and have a few minutes to update this blog.

I have to say, this whole engagement "season" (as they say) has thrown me for a BIG loop. Or maybe it was the move I made a month ago? Or maybe it was starting that new job? Or maybe it's that my whole life was turned upside-down in the best of all possible ways in the course of 20 days!? haha In any case, I have a lot going on right now and, honestly, it has been thrilling, but also extremely overwhelming. I am SO HAPPY to just sit here, return emails, do my laundry, and pay my bills. Seriously. Who ever thought that that'd be my idea of a great Saturday afternoon!? haha

Before I got engaged, I always wanted to punch girls in the face who acted like being engaged and planning a wedding was anything less than a wonderful, blissful experience. I wanted to be like, "seriously? It's so hard being in love and picking out flowers...? Tough life." Now I know better. It's like, you and your future spouse both have 100% full lives before the engagement - full-time jobs, families, friends, each other, hobbies, service activities, sleep, etc. And you struggle daily to find the balance (as we all do). Then, one particular day you get engaged and it's like SURPRISE! Here's another 20+ hours of work to do each and every week leading up to your wedding. It really becomes a question of "where the heck am I going to find this time?" I still don't know the answer to that.

So, I've been far more stressed in the last two weeks than I really care to admit. It's like, I don't want to be that girl (you know, the one that I always used to want to punch in the face). I don't want to operate my life for the next 6ish months like my wedding is the be-all, end-all of life or that planning the wedding is the highest of all my priorities. And honestly, maybe the stress isn't coming from that place at all, or maybe it is? Either way, I know that I want to enjoy this season and enjoy the process of wedding planning with my family and my fiance. How do we accomplish that?

A few days ago, during a nearly-to-tears moment shared over some of the best tacos in Atlanta, I grabbed a napkin and asked V if we could brainstorm some goals for our engagement and wedding planning. Specifically, I wanted to empower him to rein me in and focus me on some "big goals" in case I ever get bogged down in decision-making or become bride-zilla from all of the attention (doubtful, I hope!). Likewise, I wanted both of us to have a shared vision for what our wedding will be and accomplish, outside of just celebrating ourselves, you know? So we jotted down a few things and finished up our tacos feeling much, much better.

V offered to type it all up to help us keep these ideas front-of-mind (he's so helpful and so great!) and he sent me the finished product two nights ago. It's so beautiful! What an added bonus to marry someone who is skilled at graphic design and photoshop! haha Anyway, I thought I'd share it with you because it's really important to me that we keep a proper perspective on things. I don't want to be that girl and I think that means having to be proactive about it. So, here are our "perspective-keeping" questions and our big goals... Please hold me accountable to this, okay?