Every time I write a blog or a journal entry, I’m tempted to start it off with the following “Whoa… I can’t believe it’s been so many days since I updated!” Well, actually if you would read through my journal, or if you frequent my personal blog, I probably do end up saying that 8 times out of 10. The days go by so quickly! This go round, time really did escape me for a while… I was busy all weekend with my wonderful mom and sister, who were in town for my baptism! (More on that later…)
But in terms of the days going quickly, I’ve got to say… time is currently speeding by much quicker than I’d prefer. For one reason or another, I find myself feeling like I don’t have enough time to do anything recently… let alone everything. Those people in my day-to-day life have heard this concern from me a few times over the past couple of weeks. I just feel swamped. Spent. Tired.
So I’ve been trying to process why I’ve been feeling this way. Part of it is because I’ve been really busy at work. Part of it is because I’ve had a couple of other “side projects” going on that were time-consuming and not part of the normal routine. Part of it is because I’ve developed better friendships now that I’m not MIA spending time with a boyfriend. But really, none of those things totally account for why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling. I’ve been thinking, praying, and talking to W about it, and I believe I’ve come to a conclusion… I’ve been subconsciously building a relationship resume.
Seriously, a relationship resume. Now before I define that, let me back up and say that this really boils down to a control issue. I LOVE control. I LOVE the security that I feel when I’m in control of things. I self-identify as type A, kind of anal retentive, control freak status (mental note: don’t share this on dates lol). But it’s true… and this little relationship resume-building thing is just one way to try to trick myself into thinking I have control over something that I really don’t. My brain has played this game before in other incarnations… it’s tricky how it all works, really.
Okay, so here’s what happened… recently, I started filling up my schedule like crazy, a noticeable increase in activities occurring post break-up with “Mr. Maturity.” I’ve started taking on a bunch of pretty worthy things, under the guise that I just wanted to do these things because I can (singleness responsibility, in a way) and because I want to (out of love and obedience to Christ). I figured I’ve got the time, I’ve got the ability, and it’s better than sitting around thinking about being alone… so why not?
Well, next thing you know I’m working two jobs (okay, that wasn’t new), leading two ministry environments, volunteering every other weekend, taking classes, attending retreats, making goodie bags for the homeless, praying for the prisoners, etc… and it’s just TOO MUCH. I feel like my wheels are spinning constantly, I’m juggling too many things and always letting something drop… it’s exhausting. Bad news.
So then, how did I get here? Because all of these things in theory are great, super worthy endeavors. As Christians it’s supposed to work that the more we pour out in service to others, the more fulfilled we feel. So why am I so drained?
Enter the relationship resume. If I take a hard look at my motivation, I discover that the foundation of my thinking goes something like this: “…of course you should pray for the prisoners. God obviously wants you to be with those in prison… it’s in the Bible…” which swiftly turned into a thought like this: “…if you want to be a good catch for a good Christian man, you’ll up your chances by praying for prisoners…” (Or loving on some kiddos. Or taking a class on Hindu theology. Or rebuilding homes destroyed by the tornados. You get the idea.) Yikes. It is scary and super unattractive to admit that my thoughts went there. But in the spirit of honesty, they did… whether I admitted it to myself at the time or not.
You see, I figured that if I could just build up a great enough “relationship resume,” I would ensure that some great guy would find me attractive and want to be with me. I mean, really… who could say no to a woman that does all of these great things for the babies, the poor, the homeless, the sick, the imprisoned? Right!? Or so the fallacy goes. It gave me a false sense of control over the situation… like there was some direct correlation between me singing with toddlers in Sunday school and being married in the next 2-3 years. It’s so obviously not true, but yet it gave me some false security and comfort anyway.
I clearly understand now why all of these activities are draining… they need to be done for Christ with the right heart and the right motivation, or else it just becomes one more burden. And I’ve realized, too, that my litmus test can’t just be “if the Bible says to do it, it means I probably should.” If I check the Bible on any of these things, I’m confident that it would condone all of them; it is unlikely, however, that it would condone all of them at once. So, once again, I need to hand back over the control… and that means picking a few things that I can really commit to, adding a few more things to the list of “what I don’t do,” risk disappointing a few people in my life, and just trust God that I don’t need a 4.0 GPA in singleness to be attractive to someone.
It’s tough. I pray that I can just loosen the reins and let God have it… all of it… in regard to my love life. Clearly I’m not there yet. I’m learning every day how much of an issue this is for me, how distorted some of my thinking has been… I’m almost shocked to discover how deep some of these issues go for me. It’s intimidating, but I know that I’m moving forward and Christ is with me. Praise Him for that! Time to throw out the relationship resume... once and for all!
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Dating Covenant by M
Yesterday, my dear friend E signed a dating covenant. (I know you're reading, E... hope you're okay with the shoutout! ha) Well, pretty much I forced her to create and sign the covenant and she was a really good sport about it. The rest of the small group girls signed it, too, to act as witnesses to make it official. The whole experience was alternately educational and hilarious (what does one include in a dating covenant? "Thou shalt not date douchebags"? Sorry for the language, mom, if you're reading this...)
Seriously though, it was a good exercise and it got me thinking that I could do well to make a dating covenant for myself. And since I have a few (hopefully?) loyal readers on here, I figured that sharing with you all would be a great way to ensure accountability. Now, we just have to settle on what the consequences are for violating the covenant. E was given the fate of joining the few of us who go regularly to watch about 2 dozen rambunctious and aggressive toddlers at a local women's shelter should she break the covenant... Trust me, it's a threat that I believe will not be taken lightly! If you all have any good ideas for consequences for me (no more Oreos? Forced to eat ONIONS!? EEEEK!) let me know!
Okay, so the dating covenant was broken into three sections: unacceptables, non-negotionables, and standards. There may be some overlap here, and I guess that's okay. Here goes:
Unacceptables (Inspired by the exes and horror stories of friends)
1. He cannot look to me to be his strengh
2. He cannot be torn between his family and me
3. He cannot have a raging mental illness (sorry if that makes me a bad person. Been there. Can't do it.)
4. He cannot consistenly choose his friends, job, car, gym habit over me
5. He cannot be dishonest.
6. He cannot cheat.
7. He cannot intentionally surround himself with scantily clad women (photos or otherwise).
8. He cannot be addicted to drugs (including cigarettes) or alcohol.
9. He cannot be secretive, shady, or otherwise evasive.
10. He cannot be a twin. (ha! Really though...)
Non-negotiables
1. He must be a real, active, growing follower of Jesus.
2. He must want kids.
3. He must be honest (both in relation to me, and just as a character trait)
4. He must be kind (to me, to his mother, to wait staff, etc.)
5. He must taller than me (hmmm let's be real, this matters. Although, Jesus could throw me a curveball... who knows?)
6. He must be hard-working.
7. He must be respectful of women.
8. He must be a good communicator.
9. He must have a curious heart (this one's hard to describe... I guess it means that he must like to learn and grow, even if that doesn't necessarily mean through school or reading)
10. He must be "biblically qualified" to be a husband (more on that in an upcoming post!)
Standards (Some of these courtesy of the brilliant book He's Just Not that Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)
1. I will date a man only if he is worthy of being spiritually followed.
2. I will date a man only if he has pursued me.
3. I will date a man only if he prioritizes spending time and getting to know me.
4. I will date a man only if he is sure he wants to date me and talks about it explicitly aka I will not date a man who is non-commital!!
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel undesirable.
6. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
7. I will date only a CLEARLY good, kind, loving, respectable man.
8. I will date a man only if he believes in and is proactive in setting appropriate physical boundaries pre-marriage.
9. I will date a man only if he is honestly approved by my family, close friends, and other godly counsel.
10. I will date a man only after earnest and significant prayer leads me to believe that I should.
That's a lot to think about at one time! I think I will print it out and stick it somewhere visible so that I can internalize it. Can you imagine when I go on a date sometime in the future... what if I busted out this huge list in the bathroom... or worse, at the table!?! haha A new movie: How to lose a guy in 10 minutes! Really though, most of this should be self-explanatory and already internalized. Although, given my track record one could think otherwise. In any case, I think it's good to write it all down and involve people in creating accountability.
In a way, I suppose this doesn't even matter at the moment because it's a dating covenant and I'm not dating. However, something I've been enjoying recently is playing a little game called "the red-flag game" (if I'm feeling judgmental haha) or alternately "the standards game" (if I'm feeling optimistic). It's the same game either way... meet a person, observe their behavior, and decide where they fall on either the red-flag scale or the standards scale. It's fun because I'm not necessarily interested in anyone I'm playing this game with, and it can even be people who are already taken (watchout T! haha JUST KIDDING. That's weird). It's good though because I can recognize traits that I like and don't like about people without being invested in the outcome... it makes for a much more objective reading. I think this covenant will help me get even better at this observation exercise... which, in theory, is refining my "picker" as Patti, the Millionaire Matchmaker, would call it. And, hey, I'm all for not making another stupid choice... so bring on the covenant!
Seriously though, it was a good exercise and it got me thinking that I could do well to make a dating covenant for myself. And since I have a few (hopefully?) loyal readers on here, I figured that sharing with you all would be a great way to ensure accountability. Now, we just have to settle on what the consequences are for violating the covenant. E was given the fate of joining the few of us who go regularly to watch about 2 dozen rambunctious and aggressive toddlers at a local women's shelter should she break the covenant... Trust me, it's a threat that I believe will not be taken lightly! If you all have any good ideas for consequences for me (no more Oreos? Forced to eat ONIONS!? EEEEK!) let me know!
Okay, so the dating covenant was broken into three sections: unacceptables, non-negotionables, and standards. There may be some overlap here, and I guess that's okay. Here goes:
Unacceptables (Inspired by the exes and horror stories of friends)
1. He cannot look to me to be his strengh
2. He cannot be torn between his family and me
3. He cannot have a raging mental illness (sorry if that makes me a bad person. Been there. Can't do it.)
4. He cannot consistenly choose his friends, job, car, gym habit over me
5. He cannot be dishonest.
6. He cannot cheat.
7. He cannot intentionally surround himself with scantily clad women (photos or otherwise).
8. He cannot be addicted to drugs (including cigarettes) or alcohol.
9. He cannot be secretive, shady, or otherwise evasive.
10. He cannot be a twin. (ha! Really though...)
Non-negotiables
1. He must be a real, active, growing follower of Jesus.
2. He must want kids.
3. He must be honest (both in relation to me, and just as a character trait)
4. He must be kind (to me, to his mother, to wait staff, etc.)
5. He must taller than me (hmmm let's be real, this matters. Although, Jesus could throw me a curveball... who knows?)
6. He must be hard-working.
7. He must be respectful of women.
8. He must be a good communicator.
9. He must have a curious heart (this one's hard to describe... I guess it means that he must like to learn and grow, even if that doesn't necessarily mean through school or reading)
10. He must be "biblically qualified" to be a husband (more on that in an upcoming post!)
Standards (Some of these courtesy of the brilliant book He's Just Not that Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)
1. I will date a man only if he is worthy of being spiritually followed.
2. I will date a man only if he has pursued me.
3. I will date a man only if he prioritizes spending time and getting to know me.
4. I will date a man only if he is sure he wants to date me and talks about it explicitly aka I will not date a man who is non-commital!!
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel undesirable.
6. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
7. I will date only a CLEARLY good, kind, loving, respectable man.
8. I will date a man only if he believes in and is proactive in setting appropriate physical boundaries pre-marriage.
9. I will date a man only if he is honestly approved by my family, close friends, and other godly counsel.
10. I will date a man only after earnest and significant prayer leads me to believe that I should.
That's a lot to think about at one time! I think I will print it out and stick it somewhere visible so that I can internalize it. Can you imagine when I go on a date sometime in the future... what if I busted out this huge list in the bathroom... or worse, at the table!?! haha A new movie: How to lose a guy in 10 minutes! Really though, most of this should be self-explanatory and already internalized. Although, given my track record one could think otherwise. In any case, I think it's good to write it all down and involve people in creating accountability.
In a way, I suppose this doesn't even matter at the moment because it's a dating covenant and I'm not dating. However, something I've been enjoying recently is playing a little game called "the red-flag game" (if I'm feeling judgmental haha) or alternately "the standards game" (if I'm feeling optimistic). It's the same game either way... meet a person, observe their behavior, and decide where they fall on either the red-flag scale or the standards scale. It's fun because I'm not necessarily interested in anyone I'm playing this game with, and it can even be people who are already taken (watchout T! haha JUST KIDDING. That's weird). It's good though because I can recognize traits that I like and don't like about people without being invested in the outcome... it makes for a much more objective reading. I think this covenant will help me get even better at this observation exercise... which, in theory, is refining my "picker" as Patti, the Millionaire Matchmaker, would call it. And, hey, I'm all for not making another stupid choice... so bring on the covenant!
Monday, May 16, 2011
How I Got Here, by M
I’m on a dating fast. For real. I’m on a dating fast of an undetermined length… not less than 6 months, not more (Lord willing) than a year-ish. I’m on a dating fast until I figure out how to be single the right way… and, really, how to date the right way. I am experiencing a mix of denial and terror about this. But, it really needs to happen, and not just for the sake of staying single to keep up the novelty of this blog. So, how did I reach this decision? Let me try to answer how I got here…
I suppose there are a lot of ways to answer that question. I got here because God appointed me to get here long before any of us ever existed. I got here because mom graciously carried two babies in her womb for 8 longggg (as she loves to remind us) months. I got here, to this blog specifically and writing about love and dating specifically, because I’ve taken a long, winding, and (sometimes) unfortunate path through a variety of relationships that have, well… ended. Some better than others.
To start my story, you should know that I spent the great majority of my adolescent years un-involved and un-attached. That’s a nice way of saying that until I hit 18 no one ever liked me. Now, at the time that was a pretty significant reality that burned some ideas into my head that have been hard to undo. Although, looking back, it’s clear that the issue was not that I was totally undesirable, the issue was that my attitude (what I like to call “the vibe”) made me undesirable. I was too busy, too closed off, too wrapped up in my own agenda to be remotely accessible to anyone. W will attest that this included my own family. ANYWAY, the moral of the story is that W spent high school getting more dates and more interest than I did… and I had my first kiss at 17 on the stage of The Music Man during that LONG musical interlude when Marian the Librarian and the Music Man himself meet a final time on the bridge and spend 90% of the instrumental interlude in full-on makeout. I digress.
Shortly after starting my senior year of high school, I finally got a boyfriend, learned how to be vulnerable, experienced my first real kiss at 18, and officially began the phase of my life that we’ll call “the dating years.” Currently I’m about 7 years in, and I can now confidently say that (for better or worse) I have made up for lost time both in the number of months/years I’ve spent in relationships AND the amount of ridiculous drama and happenings I’ve encountered. Frankly, one of the main catalysts for “how I got here” is that after my most recent breakup, enough people told me that I should write a book that I figured… well, why not at least start with a blog? So here I am. Feel free to come along for the ride…
The Flop (yes, that’s his alter-ego) aka the high school boyfriend. The first kiss. The flop itself (I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it’s as floppy and sloppy as it sounds). We “expiration dated” until the very day before we left for college. Lesson learned: no expiration dating.
The Rebound. Twin #1. The longest relationship. The most convenient (we lived on the same floor of the dorm for 2/3 of the relationship). I was dumped on family vacation in Hawaii. Lesson learned: No more twins. Twin + twin = codependence.
The Class Clown. Long-distance relationship #1. 100 days apart on two separate continents. He eventually grew to love my dog more than me. We broke up approximately 91 times. Lesson learned: Break up once… and walk away.
The Narcoleptic. Twin #2 (didn’t I vow to say no to twins?). Long distance relationship #2 (didn’t I know how miserable it is?). Broke up with me by phone in the middle of my very serious job-health-life crisis. Did I mention the secret narcolepsy I discovered 4 months in? Lesson learned: No more long distance relationships.
Mr. Maturity. Good job. “Such a nice guy.” Courtship. Respected him until he let a 30 year-old woman move into his ONE BEDROOM apartment... with him. He didn’t understand why it was a problem for me. (Yes, mom, this really happened. I didn’t tell you because it was just too strange and embarrassing). Lesson learned: Non-committal is non-committal, no matter what you call it.
Those are the big ones… with a few other notable but far less significant “in between” guys, including the B-list Canadian rock star and the one we like to call The Hep (yes, Hep as in Hepatitis). Whew!
So yeah... That’s why I’m on a dating fast. I am spent. I am over it. I feel like I have binged on dating and now it’s time to detox. I hope to accomplish a number of objectives during this fast (which I am sure to talk about in much more detail in forthcoming posts) including:
-being better at making and having friends
-getting buff
-learning to enjoy cooking
-building trust and faith in God’s plan and not my own
-loving myself
-finding satisfaction in God’s love for me
-etc.
We’ll see how it goes. Lord, help me be faithful!
I suppose there are a lot of ways to answer that question. I got here because God appointed me to get here long before any of us ever existed. I got here because mom graciously carried two babies in her womb for 8 longggg (as she loves to remind us) months. I got here, to this blog specifically and writing about love and dating specifically, because I’ve taken a long, winding, and (sometimes) unfortunate path through a variety of relationships that have, well… ended. Some better than others.
To start my story, you should know that I spent the great majority of my adolescent years un-involved and un-attached. That’s a nice way of saying that until I hit 18 no one ever liked me. Now, at the time that was a pretty significant reality that burned some ideas into my head that have been hard to undo. Although, looking back, it’s clear that the issue was not that I was totally undesirable, the issue was that my attitude (what I like to call “the vibe”) made me undesirable. I was too busy, too closed off, too wrapped up in my own agenda to be remotely accessible to anyone. W will attest that this included my own family. ANYWAY, the moral of the story is that W spent high school getting more dates and more interest than I did… and I had my first kiss at 17 on the stage of The Music Man during that LONG musical interlude when Marian the Librarian and the Music Man himself meet a final time on the bridge and spend 90% of the instrumental interlude in full-on makeout. I digress.
Shortly after starting my senior year of high school, I finally got a boyfriend, learned how to be vulnerable, experienced my first real kiss at 18, and officially began the phase of my life that we’ll call “the dating years.” Currently I’m about 7 years in, and I can now confidently say that (for better or worse) I have made up for lost time both in the number of months/years I’ve spent in relationships AND the amount of ridiculous drama and happenings I’ve encountered. Frankly, one of the main catalysts for “how I got here” is that after my most recent breakup, enough people told me that I should write a book that I figured… well, why not at least start with a blog? So here I am. Feel free to come along for the ride…
The Flop (yes, that’s his alter-ego) aka the high school boyfriend. The first kiss. The flop itself (I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it’s as floppy and sloppy as it sounds). We “expiration dated” until the very day before we left for college. Lesson learned: no expiration dating.
The Rebound. Twin #1. The longest relationship. The most convenient (we lived on the same floor of the dorm for 2/3 of the relationship). I was dumped on family vacation in Hawaii. Lesson learned: No more twins. Twin + twin = codependence.
The Class Clown. Long-distance relationship #1. 100 days apart on two separate continents. He eventually grew to love my dog more than me. We broke up approximately 91 times. Lesson learned: Break up once… and walk away.
The Narcoleptic. Twin #2 (didn’t I vow to say no to twins?). Long distance relationship #2 (didn’t I know how miserable it is?). Broke up with me by phone in the middle of my very serious job-health-life crisis. Did I mention the secret narcolepsy I discovered 4 months in? Lesson learned: No more long distance relationships.
Mr. Maturity. Good job. “Such a nice guy.” Courtship. Respected him until he let a 30 year-old woman move into his ONE BEDROOM apartment... with him. He didn’t understand why it was a problem for me. (Yes, mom, this really happened. I didn’t tell you because it was just too strange and embarrassing). Lesson learned: Non-committal is non-committal, no matter what you call it.
Those are the big ones… with a few other notable but far less significant “in between” guys, including the B-list Canadian rock star and the one we like to call The Hep (yes, Hep as in Hepatitis). Whew!
So yeah... That’s why I’m on a dating fast. I am spent. I am over it. I feel like I have binged on dating and now it’s time to detox. I hope to accomplish a number of objectives during this fast (which I am sure to talk about in much more detail in forthcoming posts) including:
-being better at making and having friends
-getting buff
-learning to enjoy cooking
-building trust and faith in God’s plan and not my own
-loving myself
-finding satisfaction in God’s love for me
-etc.
We’ll see how it goes. Lord, help me be faithful!
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