The other day I went back and read through some of these blog posts. Can I just say that I love journaling and blogging? I know it's not everyone's thing... but I just love getting thoughts out of my head and onto paper(?). I feel like I can breathe easier when things are put out there and not flying through my brain at lightening speed. I'm always fascinated when I can go back and read my journals from months and years past... it's so funny to be reminded of what was going on at that time and how I felt about it. Something that strikes me when I go back and reread is how strong my faith always seems. I guess in-the-moment it always seems like a meager attempt, and then looking back I find myself consistently impressed by it. I think that's just the nature of faith... "if you had faith like a mustard seed"... It's all that it takes!
Anyway, I recently reread my previous post about the "dating covenant," and it was good stuff! Although, I discovered that I had said that I would mention the idea of being "biblically qualified" for marriage in a future post... and turns out I never did. Oops! So, ladies and gentlemen (I'm pretty sure no gentlemen read this, but you never know...) here it is!
I came across this idea of being a "biblically qualified" spouse when I was reading through an online resource of Christian dating articles called "The Single Guy's Guide to Marrying Well." Now, of course I wanted to read through that! I had to know what all of these Christian marriage experts were saying about how to choose the right woman! Maybe it would teach me how to be the right woman!? So, I read through the entire thing in like one afternoon and much of it was thought-provoking and interesting. In fact, I found it, on the whole, to be far more interesting than "The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying Well." Maybe I'm just tired of the same old message that the church sends single women? Anyway, I digress. You can access one or both of the guides by visiting www.boundless.org and then you can make a decision for yourself!
Okay, so as I was skimming the articles, I came across one that was cleverly titled "Stop Test-Driving your Girlfriend." Ah ha! Perfect! Teach me, o article of wisdom, what is the key to avoiding being a "test drive" and instead being the keeper! Yes! As I anticipated, it was full of nuggets of wisdom... perhaps the most significant being the idea of "biblical qualification." See the gist of the article was this...
God has a purpose for marriage. God has a plan for you. God wants you to date someone who is qualified for that purpose... and He likely doesn't care about the rest of your "perfect spouse" laundry list, which is likely irrelevant.
But what about the fact that my husband must be over 6 feet tall? What about my childhood dream of marrying a firefighter?! How am I ever going to have green-eyed children if both my husband and I have brown!? Ahhhh! I thought that God grants the desires of our hearts!?!?!
Well, no... not according to the article. It argued that the problem with the way many Christian singles view marriage is that it's consumerist. It's "what can God do for me?"... It's "let me take my laundry list to God and then He'll serve me and give me what I want." That's a problem. The design is for us to serve God... for marriage to serve God. Why do we think it will work the other way around?
So, the article argues that we need to change the way we think about dating for marriage, and that starts with asking the right questions. It starts with NOT asking "is this person right for me?" (again, since it's not all about us) and instead asking "is this person biblically qualified?" Meaning... would God approve of this person for my marriage? You see, the terrifying thing is that God sets out shockingly few qualifications for marriage material. They are important... but few. Which leads us to believe that if a person satisfies these few, perhaps it matters not to God where they fall on anything else. Perhaps this means we're destined to be with a 5'4" non-firefighting hazel-eyed man. Who knows?
Now, how do we tell if someone is biblically qualified? Well, look to the Bible! Or, even easier, peruse the following list and treat yourself to some serious honesty:
For you:
1) Are you thinking like a servant or like a consumer?
2) Do you have a proper understanding of God's design for marriage?
3) Does your relationship with Christ define your life and actions?
4) Are you biblically qualified?
For him or her:
1) Does s/he radiate true godliness and internal beauty?
2) Generally speaking, will you be able to serve God better together than apart?
3) Do you desire to fulfill the biblical role of a husband or wife with this person, as outlined in scripture?
4) Does this relationship spur you on in your Christian discipleship, or does it dull and distract your interest in the Lord and His people? Are you more or less eager to study God's Word, pray and give yourself in service as a result of time spent together?
5) Do you think s/he will make a good discipler of your children?
6) What do other mature Christian friends and family members say about your relationship? Do they see a relationship that is spiritually solid and God-glorifying?
And that, my friends, is what it's all about. And if that's all that God cares about, then I'm pretty sure that's all that we're supposed to care about. Scary! But, in the end, we'd rather have a marriage with someone who satisfies these things, than with someone who satisfies our silly list of superficials... I mean, right?
Showing posts with label obedience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obedience. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Freedom, by M
I was on a "sex panel" my senior year of college. I'm not sure if that story ever got back to my family, so heads up mom and grandma if you're reading this! But really, it's a true story. One of my majors was Communications, and I chose to pursue a focus in how the mass media represent gender and sexuality. I loved it and thought it was SO interesting... although it did occasionally get a little awkward when I'd go home to my great, Christian roommates and have to explain why I was carrying an armful of books about Playboy, for example.
ANYWAY, I ended up taking more than a few classes in gender and sexuality studies, and that, my friends, is the first step to ending up as a featured member of a sex panel. See, one of my classmates was putting together this panel for one of her other classes, and she was looking for a variety of different panelists. Knowing that I likely was one of the only wait-until-marriage types that she encountered in her classes, I offered myself up as the resident Christian-abstainer (ha!) in case they wanted one. Turns out they did, and next thing you know I'm telling 400 strangers about my sex life, or lack thereof. It was... an experience.
I went into it kind of intrigued and a little nervous... but honestly, not expecting to be that surprised. You see, my other major was Theatre, so I pretty much surrounded myself with lots of people who had a variety of different experiences, orientations and preferences. I was up front with my friends about my choices and Christianness and they were up front about their choices - which were often, highly contrary to mine. I loved it and felt very much like it was my mission field. I miss it, honestly. But anyway, the panel was made up of two abstainers, a straight guy and girl, a gay guy and girl, and one guy who identified as bisexual. Two of the other panelists were my friends... the gay ones.
So I went into the panel with this grand idea that God was going to use me to reach these 500 people in attendance. I just knew that the whole point of the panel was so that I could tell all of my peers about the better way that can be found in Him. And, you know what, I hope that He accomplished that. But, God is funny sometimes. What I didn't anticipate is that God was planning to reach me through the experience as well. I learned a lesson that day that I definitely didn't see coming, and it's been one that has stayed with me and shaped my faith journey ever since.
You see, sometimes it's easy to think of God as this giant buzz-kill. Even as a Christian I've entertained a fleeting thought that life would've just been easier if I could go along doing my own thing and then accept Christ when I'm like 90. I mean, it's tough sometimes! It's called the narrow way for a reason, I believe! And sometimes we look at all these rules that God sets out for His followers and it's just... lame. Sometimes it seems like God is withholding just for the point of making Christians into lame, prude, not-fun-having people. Not cool.
And we've all heard the arguments before... "God just wants to protect you." "He lays out these rules because He loves you." "Trust us, it's a better way for His chosen people." But honestly, sometimes those arguments don't quite cut it. It's easy to see how in telling us not to behave in drunkenness that God is protecting us from injuries and unplanned pregnancies, sure. It's easy to see how in telling us not to lie and cheat and He's saving us from spending our whole lives in jail. BUT, really... most of us probably wouldn't have ended up with unplanned babies or in jail anyway. So, what about that?
But, as I sat on the sex panel and listened to the other panelists share their stories and experiences, something struck me like a brick. I listened to the straight guy talk about his 20-30 partners and how he "prefers to just not share that number with his current girlfriend." I listened to the bisexual guy talk about his semi-annual visits to the health center to get tested for STDs. I listened to the straight girl talk about her experience as a one-night stand, and on and on. And while each of the panelists talked about these things with what sounded like confidence and unconcern, it occured to me that each of them were carrying some BIG burdens, whether they realized it or not. I heard in their stories A LOT of shame... fear... guilt... anxiety... brokeness... emptiness. Why else would the guy not tell his girlfriend if it were not for fear or shame? Why else would the girl keep looking for fulfillment in one-night stands if it were not for emptiness? It was like this lightbulb went off for me.
Sure, God tells us to abstain from sex, drugs, drunkenness, lying, cheating, etc because He'd prefer to keep us out of jail and to keep children inside the marriage covenant. But, His commands are so much bigger than that. He wants to keep us free from guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, brokenness, emptiness, etc. He designed us to be free from those things. And HE realizes that things such as casual sex and drunkennes result in those damaging emotions and experiences, even when most of us can't see it... even when most of us can argue it away that that really only happens to people who "have a problem" or who "are desperate." It was crazy to me that the other panelists didn't even realize the burdens that they were carrying because they had just gotten so used to the weight of their load.
God desires freedom for us. We were designed to live and to love freely... unhindered by the mess of sin. And so God's rules and laws are meant to try to catch us before our human nature would inevitably trip. He knows that we are mostly blind to the symptoms of the problem, so He tells us to just avoid the problem all together. And sure, maybe that's a buzzkill. But, let me tell you, I have never felt such freedom as when I was sitting on that panel and realizing what my obedience to God had spared me from. I praised God that day, and still do, for using the sex panel to stamp into my heart the truth that "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." - Galatians 5:1
ANYWAY, I ended up taking more than a few classes in gender and sexuality studies, and that, my friends, is the first step to ending up as a featured member of a sex panel. See, one of my classmates was putting together this panel for one of her other classes, and she was looking for a variety of different panelists. Knowing that I likely was one of the only wait-until-marriage types that she encountered in her classes, I offered myself up as the resident Christian-abstainer (ha!) in case they wanted one. Turns out they did, and next thing you know I'm telling 400 strangers about my sex life, or lack thereof. It was... an experience.
I went into it kind of intrigued and a little nervous... but honestly, not expecting to be that surprised. You see, my other major was Theatre, so I pretty much surrounded myself with lots of people who had a variety of different experiences, orientations and preferences. I was up front with my friends about my choices and Christianness and they were up front about their choices - which were often, highly contrary to mine. I loved it and felt very much like it was my mission field. I miss it, honestly. But anyway, the panel was made up of two abstainers, a straight guy and girl, a gay guy and girl, and one guy who identified as bisexual. Two of the other panelists were my friends... the gay ones.
So I went into the panel with this grand idea that God was going to use me to reach these 500 people in attendance. I just knew that the whole point of the panel was so that I could tell all of my peers about the better way that can be found in Him. And, you know what, I hope that He accomplished that. But, God is funny sometimes. What I didn't anticipate is that God was planning to reach me through the experience as well. I learned a lesson that day that I definitely didn't see coming, and it's been one that has stayed with me and shaped my faith journey ever since.
You see, sometimes it's easy to think of God as this giant buzz-kill. Even as a Christian I've entertained a fleeting thought that life would've just been easier if I could go along doing my own thing and then accept Christ when I'm like 90. I mean, it's tough sometimes! It's called the narrow way for a reason, I believe! And sometimes we look at all these rules that God sets out for His followers and it's just... lame. Sometimes it seems like God is withholding just for the point of making Christians into lame, prude, not-fun-having people. Not cool.
And we've all heard the arguments before... "God just wants to protect you." "He lays out these rules because He loves you." "Trust us, it's a better way for His chosen people." But honestly, sometimes those arguments don't quite cut it. It's easy to see how in telling us not to behave in drunkenness that God is protecting us from injuries and unplanned pregnancies, sure. It's easy to see how in telling us not to lie and cheat and He's saving us from spending our whole lives in jail. BUT, really... most of us probably wouldn't have ended up with unplanned babies or in jail anyway. So, what about that?
But, as I sat on the sex panel and listened to the other panelists share their stories and experiences, something struck me like a brick. I listened to the straight guy talk about his 20-30 partners and how he "prefers to just not share that number with his current girlfriend." I listened to the bisexual guy talk about his semi-annual visits to the health center to get tested for STDs. I listened to the straight girl talk about her experience as a one-night stand, and on and on. And while each of the panelists talked about these things with what sounded like confidence and unconcern, it occured to me that each of them were carrying some BIG burdens, whether they realized it or not. I heard in their stories A LOT of shame... fear... guilt... anxiety... brokeness... emptiness. Why else would the guy not tell his girlfriend if it were not for fear or shame? Why else would the girl keep looking for fulfillment in one-night stands if it were not for emptiness? It was like this lightbulb went off for me.
Sure, God tells us to abstain from sex, drugs, drunkenness, lying, cheating, etc because He'd prefer to keep us out of jail and to keep children inside the marriage covenant. But, His commands are so much bigger than that. He wants to keep us free from guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, brokenness, emptiness, etc. He designed us to be free from those things. And HE realizes that things such as casual sex and drunkennes result in those damaging emotions and experiences, even when most of us can't see it... even when most of us can argue it away that that really only happens to people who "have a problem" or who "are desperate." It was crazy to me that the other panelists didn't even realize the burdens that they were carrying because they had just gotten so used to the weight of their load.
God desires freedom for us. We were designed to live and to love freely... unhindered by the mess of sin. And so God's rules and laws are meant to try to catch us before our human nature would inevitably trip. He knows that we are mostly blind to the symptoms of the problem, so He tells us to just avoid the problem all together. And sure, maybe that's a buzzkill. But, let me tell you, I have never felt such freedom as when I was sitting on that panel and realizing what my obedience to God had spared me from. I praised God that day, and still do, for using the sex panel to stamp into my heart the truth that "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." - Galatians 5:1
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Dating Covenant by M
Yesterday, my dear friend E signed a dating covenant. (I know you're reading, E... hope you're okay with the shoutout! ha) Well, pretty much I forced her to create and sign the covenant and she was a really good sport about it. The rest of the small group girls signed it, too, to act as witnesses to make it official. The whole experience was alternately educational and hilarious (what does one include in a dating covenant? "Thou shalt not date douchebags"? Sorry for the language, mom, if you're reading this...)
Seriously though, it was a good exercise and it got me thinking that I could do well to make a dating covenant for myself. And since I have a few (hopefully?) loyal readers on here, I figured that sharing with you all would be a great way to ensure accountability. Now, we just have to settle on what the consequences are for violating the covenant. E was given the fate of joining the few of us who go regularly to watch about 2 dozen rambunctious and aggressive toddlers at a local women's shelter should she break the covenant... Trust me, it's a threat that I believe will not be taken lightly! If you all have any good ideas for consequences for me (no more Oreos? Forced to eat ONIONS!? EEEEK!) let me know!
Okay, so the dating covenant was broken into three sections: unacceptables, non-negotionables, and standards. There may be some overlap here, and I guess that's okay. Here goes:
Unacceptables (Inspired by the exes and horror stories of friends)
1. He cannot look to me to be his strengh
2. He cannot be torn between his family and me
3. He cannot have a raging mental illness (sorry if that makes me a bad person. Been there. Can't do it.)
4. He cannot consistenly choose his friends, job, car, gym habit over me
5. He cannot be dishonest.
6. He cannot cheat.
7. He cannot intentionally surround himself with scantily clad women (photos or otherwise).
8. He cannot be addicted to drugs (including cigarettes) or alcohol.
9. He cannot be secretive, shady, or otherwise evasive.
10. He cannot be a twin. (ha! Really though...)
Non-negotiables
1. He must be a real, active, growing follower of Jesus.
2. He must want kids.
3. He must be honest (both in relation to me, and just as a character trait)
4. He must be kind (to me, to his mother, to wait staff, etc.)
5. He must taller than me (hmmm let's be real, this matters. Although, Jesus could throw me a curveball... who knows?)
6. He must be hard-working.
7. He must be respectful of women.
8. He must be a good communicator.
9. He must have a curious heart (this one's hard to describe... I guess it means that he must like to learn and grow, even if that doesn't necessarily mean through school or reading)
10. He must be "biblically qualified" to be a husband (more on that in an upcoming post!)
Standards (Some of these courtesy of the brilliant book He's Just Not that Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)
1. I will date a man only if he is worthy of being spiritually followed.
2. I will date a man only if he has pursued me.
3. I will date a man only if he prioritizes spending time and getting to know me.
4. I will date a man only if he is sure he wants to date me and talks about it explicitly aka I will not date a man who is non-commital!!
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel undesirable.
6. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
7. I will date only a CLEARLY good, kind, loving, respectable man.
8. I will date a man only if he believes in and is proactive in setting appropriate physical boundaries pre-marriage.
9. I will date a man only if he is honestly approved by my family, close friends, and other godly counsel.
10. I will date a man only after earnest and significant prayer leads me to believe that I should.
That's a lot to think about at one time! I think I will print it out and stick it somewhere visible so that I can internalize it. Can you imagine when I go on a date sometime in the future... what if I busted out this huge list in the bathroom... or worse, at the table!?! haha A new movie: How to lose a guy in 10 minutes! Really though, most of this should be self-explanatory and already internalized. Although, given my track record one could think otherwise. In any case, I think it's good to write it all down and involve people in creating accountability.
In a way, I suppose this doesn't even matter at the moment because it's a dating covenant and I'm not dating. However, something I've been enjoying recently is playing a little game called "the red-flag game" (if I'm feeling judgmental haha) or alternately "the standards game" (if I'm feeling optimistic). It's the same game either way... meet a person, observe their behavior, and decide where they fall on either the red-flag scale or the standards scale. It's fun because I'm not necessarily interested in anyone I'm playing this game with, and it can even be people who are already taken (watchout T! haha JUST KIDDING. That's weird). It's good though because I can recognize traits that I like and don't like about people without being invested in the outcome... it makes for a much more objective reading. I think this covenant will help me get even better at this observation exercise... which, in theory, is refining my "picker" as Patti, the Millionaire Matchmaker, would call it. And, hey, I'm all for not making another stupid choice... so bring on the covenant!
Seriously though, it was a good exercise and it got me thinking that I could do well to make a dating covenant for myself. And since I have a few (hopefully?) loyal readers on here, I figured that sharing with you all would be a great way to ensure accountability. Now, we just have to settle on what the consequences are for violating the covenant. E was given the fate of joining the few of us who go regularly to watch about 2 dozen rambunctious and aggressive toddlers at a local women's shelter should she break the covenant... Trust me, it's a threat that I believe will not be taken lightly! If you all have any good ideas for consequences for me (no more Oreos? Forced to eat ONIONS!? EEEEK!) let me know!
Okay, so the dating covenant was broken into three sections: unacceptables, non-negotionables, and standards. There may be some overlap here, and I guess that's okay. Here goes:
Unacceptables (Inspired by the exes and horror stories of friends)
1. He cannot look to me to be his strengh
2. He cannot be torn between his family and me
3. He cannot have a raging mental illness (sorry if that makes me a bad person. Been there. Can't do it.)
4. He cannot consistenly choose his friends, job, car, gym habit over me
5. He cannot be dishonest.
6. He cannot cheat.
7. He cannot intentionally surround himself with scantily clad women (photos or otherwise).
8. He cannot be addicted to drugs (including cigarettes) or alcohol.
9. He cannot be secretive, shady, or otherwise evasive.
10. He cannot be a twin. (ha! Really though...)
Non-negotiables
1. He must be a real, active, growing follower of Jesus.
2. He must want kids.
3. He must be honest (both in relation to me, and just as a character trait)
4. He must be kind (to me, to his mother, to wait staff, etc.)
5. He must taller than me (hmmm let's be real, this matters. Although, Jesus could throw me a curveball... who knows?)
6. He must be hard-working.
7. He must be respectful of women.
8. He must be a good communicator.
9. He must have a curious heart (this one's hard to describe... I guess it means that he must like to learn and grow, even if that doesn't necessarily mean through school or reading)
10. He must be "biblically qualified" to be a husband (more on that in an upcoming post!)
Standards (Some of these courtesy of the brilliant book He's Just Not that Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)
1. I will date a man only if he is worthy of being spiritually followed.
2. I will date a man only if he has pursued me.
3. I will date a man only if he prioritizes spending time and getting to know me.
4. I will date a man only if he is sure he wants to date me and talks about it explicitly aka I will not date a man who is non-commital!!
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel undesirable.
6. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
7. I will date only a CLEARLY good, kind, loving, respectable man.
8. I will date a man only if he believes in and is proactive in setting appropriate physical boundaries pre-marriage.
9. I will date a man only if he is honestly approved by my family, close friends, and other godly counsel.
10. I will date a man only after earnest and significant prayer leads me to believe that I should.
That's a lot to think about at one time! I think I will print it out and stick it somewhere visible so that I can internalize it. Can you imagine when I go on a date sometime in the future... what if I busted out this huge list in the bathroom... or worse, at the table!?! haha A new movie: How to lose a guy in 10 minutes! Really though, most of this should be self-explanatory and already internalized. Although, given my track record one could think otherwise. In any case, I think it's good to write it all down and involve people in creating accountability.
In a way, I suppose this doesn't even matter at the moment because it's a dating covenant and I'm not dating. However, something I've been enjoying recently is playing a little game called "the red-flag game" (if I'm feeling judgmental haha) or alternately "the standards game" (if I'm feeling optimistic). It's the same game either way... meet a person, observe their behavior, and decide where they fall on either the red-flag scale or the standards scale. It's fun because I'm not necessarily interested in anyone I'm playing this game with, and it can even be people who are already taken (watchout T! haha JUST KIDDING. That's weird). It's good though because I can recognize traits that I like and don't like about people without being invested in the outcome... it makes for a much more objective reading. I think this covenant will help me get even better at this observation exercise... which, in theory, is refining my "picker" as Patti, the Millionaire Matchmaker, would call it. And, hey, I'm all for not making another stupid choice... so bring on the covenant!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Fear Factor, by M
I started my dating fast (or, as my brilliant friend Rachel put it, my “guy-atus”) in part because my church is in the middle of a series right now called The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating. Twice now, my pastor has mentioned that he suggests that some people need to take a year off from romantic relationships. Now, technically he said this to men who are addicted to porn... but let's be honest, I knew he was probably talking to the likes of me as well. The other reason I'm on a dating fast is because I broke up with Mr. Maturity three weeks ago, and, well... now seems about the best time as any to take a dating fast if I'm going to take a dating fast.
But, you see, there's a little problem that I've encountered with making the year-off commitment that my pastor suggested. Actually there are a few problems... one (which I'm honestly still praying over and trying to work out) is that I'm not quite sure that God is calling me to set a deadline for May 2012. I feel strongly that God is calling me to singleness now, and to a singleness fast for... I guess for however long He tells me to. But I don't want to set a deadline for myself that I'm not sure God is actually calling me to… and then try to call it obedience. Part of me thinks that not setting a deadline and forcing myself to actually be in communion with God about when my fast ends is potentially a better way. The other part of me is grappling with the second problem I've encountered... fear.
Let's be honest, part of this equation is that I'm just downright terrified of committing to singleness for an entire year. I know that this sounds absolutely ridiculous to some of you. However, let's remember that the last time I spent a full year single I was 17... living at home, watching The Real World Back to New York and AIMing under the name MMCheergirl. This was a LONG time ago. Moreover, let's also remember that, in a way, I've never spent a year single... ever. There's a reason why non-twins are called "singletons"... I've never been one of those. It's not lost on me that the likely catalyst for my serial monogamy in the last 7 years is that for 6 of them I've been more or less twin-less. Mal and I stopped living in the same city in 2005 and I've mostly been in a relationship ever since. I am scared of being alone because deep down, I fear that I can't be... I don't know how. I was socialized as a pair and I've spent all but three or four months at a time in various pairings ever since I was born. Heck, before I was born... like when Mal and I were actually one being. What's that called? A zygote? That's weird.
Anyway, back to the issue of fear. I mean, I think my fear is justified. It makes sense why I would have such legit terror over the prospect. (Not to mention that my future bro-in-law T just informed me that I'm hitting my peak at 25... who wants to waste almost all of one's peak year in a dating fast?!) However, I've learned something about fear recently, and it's the thing I keep coming back to as I turn this whole issue over and over in my head...
Sometimes, fear is best utilized to propel you forward… not turn you back.
Okay, now before I lose you here... I will admit that sometimes fear is a useful emotion that you should obey. God gave us fear so that we would have the sense to run from large, wild animals and creepy men in alleys (or bars?!) It is fear that keeps me from wearing my 5th grade, velvet gymnastics scrunchie out in public. It is fear that prompts me to eventually get around to checking my tire pressure. In the right context, fear is useful in and of itself.
However, in my faith journey, I've found that sometimes the opposite is true. Sometimes God gives us fear to move us toward that thing that scares us, and not away from it. Quick translation: when you're scared of something, mayyybe it actually means that you should do it. (Newsflash to men with a fear of commitment!) Seriously, though, here's an illustration:
I recently decided to get full-dunk baptized at my church here in Atlanta. It was a decision accompanied by fear. For those of you who don't know, being baptized at my church means recording a 2-minute video testimony, having it shown on two jumbotrons during the service, and then getting dunked (wet hair! No makeup!) one at a time, also on the jumbotron, before approximately 2,500 people. This is not your average file-into-the-water and save your applause until the end kind of deal. There are two to three people baptized at a service... it is A LOT of attention and A LOT of close-ups of your face. So, I found myself scared: what if my testimony sounds lame? I heard there are no cue cards! What if I get a huge zit the day I record it? What if I stumble over my words? OMG no mascara in front of all those people? I swear I will probably choke on the baptism water. Will people think I'm too thin and judge me when the wet clothes stick to me? Hair up or hair down? Etc.
I eventually decided I needed to do it because the fear served the useful purpose of betraying a host of spiritual issues that I needed to address. My fear revealed that I have insecurity, fear of judgment of man, legalism and performance issues, etc. It turned out that my very fear was one of the biggest reasons I decided to go for it. It forced me to put my issues to the test and choose the better way… the way Jesus calls us and the way I know I'm supposed to live as a Christ follower.
1 John 4:18 says that "perfect love drives out fear." To be honest, that never really made sense to me. I mean, I kind of got it, and tried to figure it out using round-about reasoning, but still had an inkling that maybe John was talking about abusive relationships or something. In my mind, fear and love had very little to do with each other. I never experienced much “fear” in my romantic relationships. Certainly the occasional frustration, hurt, and disappointment, but not really fear, per se. Rarely do we speak of them in the same context. Fear and faith, sure. Faith and love? Sure. Fear and love? Hmmm, not so much.
But now I'm starting to get it... I was experiencing fear over my baptism because I was participating in a love that is not Christ's perfect love. I feared letting two thousand people see me without makeup, because when I admit it, I love people's acceptance and sometimes praise about how I look. I feared messing up in my video, because I love keeping up the impression that I'm good at everything and that I never mess up. I feared being baptized in the first place because I love my parents' acceptance and didn't want to possibly hurt them by being baptized again (W and I were both sprinkle-baptized as infants – for the record, mom and dad were totally supportive).
…My fear was born out of the possibility of losing the very things that I unjustly love. Would I fear this (really, would I fear anything?) if I was truly in love with Christ and Him alone? I doubt it. Does wet hair and no mascara matter to the King of Kings? No. Does others' perception of my wet hair and no mascara matter if I'm delighted in by the King of Kings? Definitely not. So, my fear told me in a BIG way that my love is misplaced. The perfect love story that we have with God our Father leaves no room for fear. It is when we take our love other places (hello Hosea and Gomer!) that we open the door for fear to enter. Thus, in this context, fear tells us to stop being Gomer and start getting on board with Christ… Running towards the fear, and not away from it, is the answer.
And so... I'm working out that equation right now in my heart about the dating fast. Is my fear the result of my putting my love in a place other than Christ? I think probably yes. I do know that I love thinking I have control over my own schedule and time-frame. I know that I love the idea of this imaginary future husband I've created in my mind. Does that mean I should accept singleness for the arbitrary number of 360+ days set out by a fellow man? We'll see.
What it definitely means, however, is that I will be using this fear for a purpose - working on figuring out what imperfect love(s) are driving the fear IN and learning to replace it with the Perfect Love that drives the fear OUT. I have an inkling that the process will be fruitful… whether it lasts 6 months, one year, or forever (gulp).
I’ll keep you updated!
But, you see, there's a little problem that I've encountered with making the year-off commitment that my pastor suggested. Actually there are a few problems... one (which I'm honestly still praying over and trying to work out) is that I'm not quite sure that God is calling me to set a deadline for May 2012. I feel strongly that God is calling me to singleness now, and to a singleness fast for... I guess for however long He tells me to. But I don't want to set a deadline for myself that I'm not sure God is actually calling me to… and then try to call it obedience. Part of me thinks that not setting a deadline and forcing myself to actually be in communion with God about when my fast ends is potentially a better way. The other part of me is grappling with the second problem I've encountered... fear.
Let's be honest, part of this equation is that I'm just downright terrified of committing to singleness for an entire year. I know that this sounds absolutely ridiculous to some of you. However, let's remember that the last time I spent a full year single I was 17... living at home, watching The Real World Back to New York and AIMing under the name MMCheergirl. This was a LONG time ago. Moreover, let's also remember that, in a way, I've never spent a year single... ever. There's a reason why non-twins are called "singletons"... I've never been one of those. It's not lost on me that the likely catalyst for my serial monogamy in the last 7 years is that for 6 of them I've been more or less twin-less. Mal and I stopped living in the same city in 2005 and I've mostly been in a relationship ever since. I am scared of being alone because deep down, I fear that I can't be... I don't know how. I was socialized as a pair and I've spent all but three or four months at a time in various pairings ever since I was born. Heck, before I was born... like when Mal and I were actually one being. What's that called? A zygote? That's weird.
Anyway, back to the issue of fear. I mean, I think my fear is justified. It makes sense why I would have such legit terror over the prospect. (Not to mention that my future bro-in-law T just informed me that I'm hitting my peak at 25... who wants to waste almost all of one's peak year in a dating fast?!) However, I've learned something about fear recently, and it's the thing I keep coming back to as I turn this whole issue over and over in my head...
Sometimes, fear is best utilized to propel you forward… not turn you back.
Okay, now before I lose you here... I will admit that sometimes fear is a useful emotion that you should obey. God gave us fear so that we would have the sense to run from large, wild animals and creepy men in alleys (or bars?!) It is fear that keeps me from wearing my 5th grade, velvet gymnastics scrunchie out in public. It is fear that prompts me to eventually get around to checking my tire pressure. In the right context, fear is useful in and of itself.
However, in my faith journey, I've found that sometimes the opposite is true. Sometimes God gives us fear to move us toward that thing that scares us, and not away from it. Quick translation: when you're scared of something, mayyybe it actually means that you should do it. (Newsflash to men with a fear of commitment!) Seriously, though, here's an illustration:
I recently decided to get full-dunk baptized at my church here in Atlanta. It was a decision accompanied by fear. For those of you who don't know, being baptized at my church means recording a 2-minute video testimony, having it shown on two jumbotrons during the service, and then getting dunked (wet hair! No makeup!) one at a time, also on the jumbotron, before approximately 2,500 people. This is not your average file-into-the-water and save your applause until the end kind of deal. There are two to three people baptized at a service... it is A LOT of attention and A LOT of close-ups of your face. So, I found myself scared: what if my testimony sounds lame? I heard there are no cue cards! What if I get a huge zit the day I record it? What if I stumble over my words? OMG no mascara in front of all those people? I swear I will probably choke on the baptism water. Will people think I'm too thin and judge me when the wet clothes stick to me? Hair up or hair down? Etc.
I eventually decided I needed to do it because the fear served the useful purpose of betraying a host of spiritual issues that I needed to address. My fear revealed that I have insecurity, fear of judgment of man, legalism and performance issues, etc. It turned out that my very fear was one of the biggest reasons I decided to go for it. It forced me to put my issues to the test and choose the better way… the way Jesus calls us and the way I know I'm supposed to live as a Christ follower.
1 John 4:18 says that "perfect love drives out fear." To be honest, that never really made sense to me. I mean, I kind of got it, and tried to figure it out using round-about reasoning, but still had an inkling that maybe John was talking about abusive relationships or something. In my mind, fear and love had very little to do with each other. I never experienced much “fear” in my romantic relationships. Certainly the occasional frustration, hurt, and disappointment, but not really fear, per se. Rarely do we speak of them in the same context. Fear and faith, sure. Faith and love? Sure. Fear and love? Hmmm, not so much.
But now I'm starting to get it... I was experiencing fear over my baptism because I was participating in a love that is not Christ's perfect love. I feared letting two thousand people see me without makeup, because when I admit it, I love people's acceptance and sometimes praise about how I look. I feared messing up in my video, because I love keeping up the impression that I'm good at everything and that I never mess up. I feared being baptized in the first place because I love my parents' acceptance and didn't want to possibly hurt them by being baptized again (W and I were both sprinkle-baptized as infants – for the record, mom and dad were totally supportive).
…My fear was born out of the possibility of losing the very things that I unjustly love. Would I fear this (really, would I fear anything?) if I was truly in love with Christ and Him alone? I doubt it. Does wet hair and no mascara matter to the King of Kings? No. Does others' perception of my wet hair and no mascara matter if I'm delighted in by the King of Kings? Definitely not. So, my fear told me in a BIG way that my love is misplaced. The perfect love story that we have with God our Father leaves no room for fear. It is when we take our love other places (hello Hosea and Gomer!) that we open the door for fear to enter. Thus, in this context, fear tells us to stop being Gomer and start getting on board with Christ… Running towards the fear, and not away from it, is the answer.
And so... I'm working out that equation right now in my heart about the dating fast. Is my fear the result of my putting my love in a place other than Christ? I think probably yes. I do know that I love thinking I have control over my own schedule and time-frame. I know that I love the idea of this imaginary future husband I've created in my mind. Does that mean I should accept singleness for the arbitrary number of 360+ days set out by a fellow man? We'll see.
What it definitely means, however, is that I will be using this fear for a purpose - working on figuring out what imperfect love(s) are driving the fear IN and learning to replace it with the Perfect Love that drives the fear OUT. I have an inkling that the process will be fruitful… whether it lasts 6 months, one year, or forever (gulp).
I’ll keep you updated!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)