A friend asked me recently whether I would date someone who didn’t go to my church. I responded with the following “I’m not limiting myself to just the people who attend my church; if I meet someone at the gas station that qualifies (see post on the dating covenant lol) I’d go for it. That said, the chances of finding said man are exponentially higher at church than they are anywhere else.” Which brings me to the topic of today’s post… dressing for church.
It’s come to my attention recently that dressing for church is a big deal. Like an “I might meet my future hubby today” big deal. What one does or doesn’t wear to church is of utmost importance… it can determine the entire trajectory of your future for better or worse! One must take careful consideration when picking the outfit and accessories, because one wrong move can send the wrong signal to someone who just might be the right person. What to do?!
In my casual observation, I’ve noticed a few different breeds of (presumably single) women that I would like to reference for this point:
1) Ms. Conservative Denomination: There are actually a whole load of subtypes within this type, ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other according to their former orthodoxy. On one end? The skirt-to-the-ankles wearer, who might even don a hat in accordance with I Corinthians 11:5 – “And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head…” On the other end? Slacks and skirts, but never jeans, God forbid. This woman is winning hearts the right way with her “beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” and her fierce dedication to Christian traditionalism. Besides, doesn’t everyone know that denim is the enemy of God?
2) Ms. Modesty: often a close relative of the former type, this one prides herself on out-modestying every other woman in the building. She will not incite lust in any passerby, courtesy of her turtleneck, cardigan, knee-high socks, and/or scarf. Just in case, she avoids lace, prints, cutouts of any kind, and anything else that may be considered an “eye trap” of seduction. She’s not giving herself to any man other than her husband, especially because Jesus said that looking lustfully at a woman is the same as being an adulterer. This one is no home wrecker!
3) Ms. America: this woman is likely new to church and the church scene. She may not be spouting versus from 2 Timothy from memory, but she does know a thing or two about hooking a man. She often forgoes short skirts (great to dance in but difficult when sitting in a pew) but flashes some cleavage just to keep everyone on their toes. She knows she looks better than the stuffy covered-up Betty’s, and banks on the fact all these men experiencing abstinence-induced deprivation will surely notice. If they’re waiting until marriage, they might at least make it worth their while and find a wife with a smoking hot bod, right?
4) Ms. Secretly Seductive: okay, so she knows and mostly agrees with the whole purpose of God’s call to modesty, but she hates feeling like she’s potentially one step away from becoming a potato-sack wearing, soon-to-be cat lady. She does her best to not be overtly seductive, but she throws in a little something here and there just to… suggest… that maybe she’d look “darn” good were she not quite so modest. Favorites of this type include: stilettos, 2+ inches above-the-knee sundresses, colored bra straps, slightly undone hair, and strategically placed accessories. Men can feel comfortable bringing this type home to mom, while also showing her off to their non-Christian friends and getting mostly positive feedback from both. She’s pretty sure that this secretly seductive approach is how Ruth snagged Boaz… and she made it into the lineage of Jesus! Pretty sure that means God approves…
5) Ms. Song of Solomon: this girl knows that she is the bride of Christ and that He thinks there is no flaw in her. She puts almost no thought into what she wears to church, other than the occasional thought about what will look like she’s putting no thought into it. Her makeup is minimal, her hair usually up, and accessories? What accessories? Her heart is so close to God that a man needs to seek Him first in order to find her. Besides, she’s a great pick because she’ll look the same as a 45 year-old soccer mom as she does now… no surprises here!
Each of these types likely ropes in a different kind of God-fearing man. Which to choose?! Of course, we could all just not worry about it and trust God to bring us to the right man, even if we did happen to be wearing a sack cloth (and ashes?) when it happens, but where is the fun in that? What are we supposed to do in that case? Take all of the time we save by not shopping and not straightening our hair and , like, hang with orphans and sing hymns instead? …really?
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Monday, August 6, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
How we talk about Singleness, by M
It's M again... I've instituted a new "stay home one night every week" policy to try to maintain my sanity (and my cooking/cleaning/laundry haha) and I think it may result in me updating this more consistently. Hopefully if I do, then W will also. We'll see!
Today's thought is actually one that I've been mulling over for a while. W is responsible for bringing it to my attention months ago, and to be quite honest, I had thought that I already wrote about it on here. Maybe I did? Ah well, if so I suppose it couldn't hurt to be revisted.
As I've mentioned more than once, my church has a fabulous and thriving "Singles" Ministry. It is absolutely something that drew me to the church and one of the biggest and best reasons that I have a solid friend group here in Atlanta. There are seriously thousands of "singles" at any given "gathering"... which I think is pretty cool. Where else can you go, as an out-of-college adult, and meet so many people who are like-minded and in the same stage of life as you? It has seriously been the biggest of blessings for me, and I would guess, many of those thousands of others.
That said, I've been thinking lately about the messaging that the Church (yes, big C... contemporary Christianity in general) sends to single adults. I know that this doesn't apply to every church, but it certainly applies to my experience at my church, and many of the books, articles, blogs, videos, etc about dating that I've ingested in the past couple of years. Here's what I've been thinking: in the church's efforts to not exclude or marginalize single adults, they are not doing enough to champion marriage.
In my experience, the Christian rhetoric about singleness has been a lot of this:
-"Singles ministry is NOT a dating service!"
-"Use your singleness for Christ!"
-"Don't get married unless you are mature, educated, out-of-debt, zero baggage, finished-with-your-mission-trip-traveling, have-a-401k, ready to be a 'real grown up'"
-"You do better work for Christ if you're not distracted by dating"
-"Trust God; don't waste your energy looking for a partner... He will bring you one."
-"God will give you the desires of your heart, so don't settle for less!"
Etc. etc. And truly, these are not bad bits of wisdom. They really aren't. However, I feel like all of this combined has created a culture of single Christian adults who no longer hold marriage in view of its Biblical truth and purpose. We have Christian singles who are scared of marriage, who feel that God is withholding marriage from them until they "get it together," who believe that singleness is the higher calling, and who are picky to the point that they believe that God will serve them in marriage (giving them exactly what they want) instead of the other way around.
Is it so wrong to nudge single adults towards marriage? Why don't we talk about marriage (to single adults) like the gift and the blessing that it is?
Honestly, there are some people who are called to singleness, and they are given the gift of celibacy. That is absolutely true. However, if more than 90% of people will find themselves married at some point, why are we fearful to champion marriage to single adults? I wish more churches, pastors, authors, etc would say:
-"This singles ministry is not meant to be a dating service, however, if you're interested in dating... we wish with all our hearts that you will meet someone who is in the church and loves Christ. You're in luck here!"
-"Marriage is two broken people serving Christ together. You will have baggage. It will be messy. You have a Christ-centered marriage in order to let God fill in the gaps where you will inevitably fail each other."
-"Marriage is about you serving God and not God serving you. He will give you whoever He pleases to make you more like Him, and it may look like your "list" or it may not."
-"Singleness is not a higher or holier calling. Marriage refines your godly character like a crucible in the fire. Singles and married people alike do God's work and become more like him over time."
Etc. Honestly, I think that us "singles" can handle it. I don't think we need to tiptoe around the fact that some of our peers are enjoying marriage and some of us are not yet. We already know that. I think that we are old enough and mature enough for someone to look us in the eye and say "marriage is a gift from God and unless you feel strongly that you have the gift of life-long singleness, you should go pursue it." Is that really so bad?
Today's thought is actually one that I've been mulling over for a while. W is responsible for bringing it to my attention months ago, and to be quite honest, I had thought that I already wrote about it on here. Maybe I did? Ah well, if so I suppose it couldn't hurt to be revisted.
As I've mentioned more than once, my church has a fabulous and thriving "Singles" Ministry. It is absolutely something that drew me to the church and one of the biggest and best reasons that I have a solid friend group here in Atlanta. There are seriously thousands of "singles" at any given "gathering"... which I think is pretty cool. Where else can you go, as an out-of-college adult, and meet so many people who are like-minded and in the same stage of life as you? It has seriously been the biggest of blessings for me, and I would guess, many of those thousands of others.
That said, I've been thinking lately about the messaging that the Church (yes, big C... contemporary Christianity in general) sends to single adults. I know that this doesn't apply to every church, but it certainly applies to my experience at my church, and many of the books, articles, blogs, videos, etc about dating that I've ingested in the past couple of years. Here's what I've been thinking: in the church's efforts to not exclude or marginalize single adults, they are not doing enough to champion marriage.
In my experience, the Christian rhetoric about singleness has been a lot of this:
-"Singles ministry is NOT a dating service!"
-"Use your singleness for Christ!"
-"Don't get married unless you are mature, educated, out-of-debt, zero baggage, finished-with-your-mission-trip-traveling, have-a-401k, ready to be a 'real grown up'"
-"You do better work for Christ if you're not distracted by dating"
-"Trust God; don't waste your energy looking for a partner... He will bring you one."
-"God will give you the desires of your heart, so don't settle for less!"
Etc. etc. And truly, these are not bad bits of wisdom. They really aren't. However, I feel like all of this combined has created a culture of single Christian adults who no longer hold marriage in view of its Biblical truth and purpose. We have Christian singles who are scared of marriage, who feel that God is withholding marriage from them until they "get it together," who believe that singleness is the higher calling, and who are picky to the point that they believe that God will serve them in marriage (giving them exactly what they want) instead of the other way around.
Is it so wrong to nudge single adults towards marriage? Why don't we talk about marriage (to single adults) like the gift and the blessing that it is?
Honestly, there are some people who are called to singleness, and they are given the gift of celibacy. That is absolutely true. However, if more than 90% of people will find themselves married at some point, why are we fearful to champion marriage to single adults? I wish more churches, pastors, authors, etc would say:
-"This singles ministry is not meant to be a dating service, however, if you're interested in dating... we wish with all our hearts that you will meet someone who is in the church and loves Christ. You're in luck here!"
-"Marriage is two broken people serving Christ together. You will have baggage. It will be messy. You have a Christ-centered marriage in order to let God fill in the gaps where you will inevitably fail each other."
-"Marriage is about you serving God and not God serving you. He will give you whoever He pleases to make you more like Him, and it may look like your "list" or it may not."
-"Singleness is not a higher or holier calling. Marriage refines your godly character like a crucible in the fire. Singles and married people alike do God's work and become more like him over time."
Etc. Honestly, I think that us "singles" can handle it. I don't think we need to tiptoe around the fact that some of our peers are enjoying marriage and some of us are not yet. We already know that. I think that we are old enough and mature enough for someone to look us in the eye and say "marriage is a gift from God and unless you feel strongly that you have the gift of life-long singleness, you should go pursue it." Is that really so bad?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Dating and God's Will, by M
Okay, so I really tried to put off talking about singleness for a while. This is in part because if you look at the "tags" for our blog, you’ll see SINGLENESS in gigantic letters because I talk about it approximately 10x more than either of us talk about anything else. That’s kind of embarrassing… and I wish it wasn’t constantly on my mind. But, the reality is that it is.
So, the other day, W signed me up for eHarmony. For any of you who are curious, registering a profile on eHarmony is a serious process that typically takes between 1.5 and 2.5 hours. W did it ALL… because that’s how much she loves me. Or, that’s how much she wants to live vicariously through my dating life, as now she’s just boring and married. (haha love you!) Anyway, I didn’t really ask her to do it and I didn’t get around to doing it myself because I just wasn’t quite sure I was ready for it. But, she did it anyway and after clicking on my profile and perusing my "matches" I found myself phenomenally overwhelmed. It was really strange, actually. I had this almost visceral response where I literally felt I just couldn’t take it. It was just… too much.
Why was it too much? Why was I so freaked out by it? I shocked myself with the response I had to it. So, I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided that I’ve grown to believe (what I hope is) a gigantic lie. It is this:
God doesn’t want to give me a nice, wonderful man… and He will not be pleased if I ever find one.
Hmmmmmmmmmm. That’s a big one. It’s lead me to believe that although wanting a husband is within His will, dating or doing anything about it is contrary. While there are some people that I believe are truly called to singleness for life (Jesus, Paul, the Pope(s), Mother Theresa, Shane Claiborne are all great examples) I really don’t think I’m one of them. So why do I believe that God will be upset at me for dating? Why do I feel like His only role in my dating life is one of antagonism? Does anyone else feel this way?
Thought #1 – Experience is Nature's Teacher
Part of the reason I think this way is because of my past. Although God has given me a handful of "love interests" over the past couple of years… we all know that they’ve been less than stellar, on the whole. Moreover, the longer I’ve been on the dating scene, the worse the men seem to be getting! My relationships have seriously steadily declined in duration from about a year and a half (at 19 years old) to just a couple of weeks or months now (at 25). What the heck!? Some would argue that "it’s better to have loved and lost"… but really this situation just has me increasingly discouraged. I think it’s better to have loved and lost maybe one or two great loves… loving (or liking) and losing upwards of 10+… now that’s just getting absurd. How am I supposed to believe that God wants someone good for me (and will give it to me) when experience has proven very much otherwise… over and over and over?
Thought #2 - Distraction is of the Enemy
It's a widely-accepted Christian idea that distraction is one of the primary tools that Satan uses to tempt and take down Christians. We talk in our churches all the time about avoiding distractions. Ambition distracts us... greed distracts us... pride... laziness... the list goes on. The primary argument against many of these sins is that they are inherently bad because they distract us from our ultimate purpose of serving God. Idolatry is such a grievous sin because it distracts us from appropriately worshiping God. Take even lying... the issue is not simply that it hurts others (although it does); the issue is that living the lies and keeping track of the lies is a major distraction. Any time we are consumed with anything other than God... we call it sin. But here's the problem... is there any greater distraction than love? I really don't think so. Grief is a distraction... but isn't grief really just a symptom of love? Jealousy, certainly.
So, I find myself starting to get distracted by someone... and it feels like I'm doing something wrong. Like I should be "setting my mind on things above" (Colossians 3:2) and using all of that mental space for something better. You know? But, at the end of the day, I don't think it's possible to love and be undistracted. I don't think there's a feasible way to be captivated by someone and not find it distracting from everything else. Yet, it still feels like there is sin in doing so.
Thought #3 - "Use this Season"
My final thought here is that I really think this false belief is wrapped up in the rhetoric that the church uses to talk about dating. Although well-intentioned, all of this talk of "using your singless for its purpose" and "God will give you a relationship when it's His time" also subtly communicates something else:
You're supposed to accomplish something right now and God is going to withold your spouse until you do it.
That's dangerous thinking. This kind of thinking turns God into someone that I like to believe He isn't. But that's totally what the church says... and it's one thing if it could be something tangible like "Hey, learn to speak Portugese because you don't know it yet, but your husband is Brazilian!" It's quite another, though, when the message seems to be "Hey, you better fix this about your [insert deeply personal issue here about body, emotions, past, etc] or else you'll never be marry-able and God knows that." Granted, no mainstream church is really saying that... but that's really what it feels like from time to time.
So, all of these things put together have caused a great bit of confusion in my mind, and, I believe in the minds of many other single, Christian men and women that I encounter. Moreover, there are a host of other false dating beliefs out there and this is only one of them. Eek. Maybe I should do a series of these? Lord knows I've encountered enough of them across the handful of men that I've dated!
In any case, I definitely think this is something that needs more prayer time in my life... Perhaps God truly is giving me a red light (and for good reason?) or perhaps this false belief is nothing more than a stumbling block created by the brokenness of the world. Whatever it is, I need to figure it out! I need to believe that God will be just as happy about me finding my future spouse as I will. I mean, He will be... right?
So, the other day, W signed me up for eHarmony. For any of you who are curious, registering a profile on eHarmony is a serious process that typically takes between 1.5 and 2.5 hours. W did it ALL… because that’s how much she loves me. Or, that’s how much she wants to live vicariously through my dating life, as now she’s just boring and married. (haha love you!) Anyway, I didn’t really ask her to do it and I didn’t get around to doing it myself because I just wasn’t quite sure I was ready for it. But, she did it anyway and after clicking on my profile and perusing my "matches" I found myself phenomenally overwhelmed. It was really strange, actually. I had this almost visceral response where I literally felt I just couldn’t take it. It was just… too much.
Why was it too much? Why was I so freaked out by it? I shocked myself with the response I had to it. So, I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided that I’ve grown to believe (what I hope is) a gigantic lie. It is this:
God doesn’t want to give me a nice, wonderful man… and He will not be pleased if I ever find one.
Hmmmmmmmmmm. That’s a big one. It’s lead me to believe that although wanting a husband is within His will, dating or doing anything about it is contrary. While there are some people that I believe are truly called to singleness for life (Jesus, Paul, the Pope(s), Mother Theresa, Shane Claiborne are all great examples) I really don’t think I’m one of them. So why do I believe that God will be upset at me for dating? Why do I feel like His only role in my dating life is one of antagonism? Does anyone else feel this way?
Thought #1 – Experience is Nature's Teacher
Part of the reason I think this way is because of my past. Although God has given me a handful of "love interests" over the past couple of years… we all know that they’ve been less than stellar, on the whole. Moreover, the longer I’ve been on the dating scene, the worse the men seem to be getting! My relationships have seriously steadily declined in duration from about a year and a half (at 19 years old) to just a couple of weeks or months now (at 25). What the heck!? Some would argue that "it’s better to have loved and lost"… but really this situation just has me increasingly discouraged. I think it’s better to have loved and lost maybe one or two great loves… loving (or liking) and losing upwards of 10+… now that’s just getting absurd. How am I supposed to believe that God wants someone good for me (and will give it to me) when experience has proven very much otherwise… over and over and over?
Thought #2 - Distraction is of the Enemy
It's a widely-accepted Christian idea that distraction is one of the primary tools that Satan uses to tempt and take down Christians. We talk in our churches all the time about avoiding distractions. Ambition distracts us... greed distracts us... pride... laziness... the list goes on. The primary argument against many of these sins is that they are inherently bad because they distract us from our ultimate purpose of serving God. Idolatry is such a grievous sin because it distracts us from appropriately worshiping God. Take even lying... the issue is not simply that it hurts others (although it does); the issue is that living the lies and keeping track of the lies is a major distraction. Any time we are consumed with anything other than God... we call it sin. But here's the problem... is there any greater distraction than love? I really don't think so. Grief is a distraction... but isn't grief really just a symptom of love? Jealousy, certainly.
So, I find myself starting to get distracted by someone... and it feels like I'm doing something wrong. Like I should be "setting my mind on things above" (Colossians 3:2) and using all of that mental space for something better. You know? But, at the end of the day, I don't think it's possible to love and be undistracted. I don't think there's a feasible way to be captivated by someone and not find it distracting from everything else. Yet, it still feels like there is sin in doing so.
Thought #3 - "Use this Season"
My final thought here is that I really think this false belief is wrapped up in the rhetoric that the church uses to talk about dating. Although well-intentioned, all of this talk of "using your singless for its purpose" and "God will give you a relationship when it's His time" also subtly communicates something else:
You're supposed to accomplish something right now and God is going to withold your spouse until you do it.
That's dangerous thinking. This kind of thinking turns God into someone that I like to believe He isn't. But that's totally what the church says... and it's one thing if it could be something tangible like "Hey, learn to speak Portugese because you don't know it yet, but your husband is Brazilian!" It's quite another, though, when the message seems to be "Hey, you better fix this about your [insert deeply personal issue here about body, emotions, past, etc] or else you'll never be marry-able and God knows that." Granted, no mainstream church is really saying that... but that's really what it feels like from time to time.
So, all of these things put together have caused a great bit of confusion in my mind, and, I believe in the minds of many other single, Christian men and women that I encounter. Moreover, there are a host of other false dating beliefs out there and this is only one of them. Eek. Maybe I should do a series of these? Lord knows I've encountered enough of them across the handful of men that I've dated!
In any case, I definitely think this is something that needs more prayer time in my life... Perhaps God truly is giving me a red light (and for good reason?) or perhaps this false belief is nothing more than a stumbling block created by the brokenness of the world. Whatever it is, I need to figure it out! I need to believe that God will be just as happy about me finding my future spouse as I will. I mean, He will be... right?
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Progress, or My Growing Acceptance of Being a Single Single
After my retreat this weekend, I had to explain to W that single is a noun these days. As in "I am a single." It's used in church language to mean "anyone who is not married"... although I suppose it technically means "any full-grown adult of marrying age who is not married." However, the problem with being categorized as "a single" is that it doesn't provide a lot of clarity about your actual status as a non-married person. You could be a single that's in a relationship, a single that's engaged, a divorced single, a widowed single, or a single single. Whew! Now, many of those singles actually aren't quite that single are they?
So here in the middle of the dating fast, I've been trying to come to terms with being a single single. Wow... not sure if any other phrase possibly makes you sound quite so lame or alone! haha
Seriously, though, I am happy to report that I've been recognizing progress lately. What a blessing! So much of the time we don't even realize that we're making progress... we just wake up one day and all of a sudden we've arrived somewhere without really being aware of how we got there. As such, I take it as a great gift from God to be able to notice progress. It helps me to know that He is working in me, that I'm on the right track, and that I'm steadily headed somewhere better than the place I left. It's exciting!
I've been praying lately that I would find my heart more captivated by God's love than I do by the hypothetical love of some future man. This, it has become clear to me, has been the crux of the problem that I'm dealing with in the dating fast. Relationship and marriage has been an idol for me because at the end of the day I tend to see it as more exciting, more enticing, more important, and more valuable that God's love. Eek. It may be more tangible, but that's about it in terms of its superiority.
So I've been praying for God to help me understand His love more. I figured I'd learn to love Him more if I first better understood His love for me. The great news is that God has been faithful in answering this prayer! I've been reading through Genesis again lately, and truly internalizing the story of Adam and Eve and the fall of man. Truly, the story that the Bible tells is one of the unending heartache of a loving God who just desperately wants to be loved back by His children. I don't know that I've ever really thought about how God feels about all of this. When I try to wrap my mind around God's emotional qualities, I start to better understand His love for us. He tries over and over and over and over again to win our love back. He gives us chance after chance after chance to run back to Him. He pursues each person on earth mightily because it breaks His heart to not have them as His.
As I type this, I recognize that these are all statements that I have heard and known for some time. That said, I feel blessed in that it is penetrating my heart in a new way these days. I had a moment over the weekend where it became awesomely clear to me... there's a song that we often sing called "How He Loves Us" and it has a verse in it which says "if grace is an ocean we're all sinking..." Now, I've never quite liked the song because it's unfortunately forever tied to Mr. Sleepyhead, who was the one who introduced it to me. But anyway, as we were singing it this weekend, I imagined myself floating in the middle of this giant ocean, and God's waves just crashing over me. One wave was love, one wave was grace, one wave was forgiveness, one wave was a second chance, one wave was sustenance, one wave was goodness... repeated in a cycle as many times as real waves crash upon the shore... for eternity.
Sorry if that sounds strange or melodramatic, but the reality is that that's how much God loves us. The waves never stop, never run dry, never grow weaker, never retreat. Crazy to think about, right? I mean, really... really think about it.
In conclusion, I find myself slowly letting go of my death grip on marriage as I start to let first things be first in my heart. Not to say that I don't want it (I still do, at times desperately) but that I'm growing in my peace about it day by day. Being a single single isn't that bad after all, when you've got God on your side and you know that you're still desirable and wanted even if no one's choosing you right now. I pray that I can continue to think this way and continue to grow during this single single season! Here's to progress!
So here in the middle of the dating fast, I've been trying to come to terms with being a single single. Wow... not sure if any other phrase possibly makes you sound quite so lame or alone! haha
Seriously, though, I am happy to report that I've been recognizing progress lately. What a blessing! So much of the time we don't even realize that we're making progress... we just wake up one day and all of a sudden we've arrived somewhere without really being aware of how we got there. As such, I take it as a great gift from God to be able to notice progress. It helps me to know that He is working in me, that I'm on the right track, and that I'm steadily headed somewhere better than the place I left. It's exciting!
I've been praying lately that I would find my heart more captivated by God's love than I do by the hypothetical love of some future man. This, it has become clear to me, has been the crux of the problem that I'm dealing with in the dating fast. Relationship and marriage has been an idol for me because at the end of the day I tend to see it as more exciting, more enticing, more important, and more valuable that God's love. Eek. It may be more tangible, but that's about it in terms of its superiority.
So I've been praying for God to help me understand His love more. I figured I'd learn to love Him more if I first better understood His love for me. The great news is that God has been faithful in answering this prayer! I've been reading through Genesis again lately, and truly internalizing the story of Adam and Eve and the fall of man. Truly, the story that the Bible tells is one of the unending heartache of a loving God who just desperately wants to be loved back by His children. I don't know that I've ever really thought about how God feels about all of this. When I try to wrap my mind around God's emotional qualities, I start to better understand His love for us. He tries over and over and over and over again to win our love back. He gives us chance after chance after chance to run back to Him. He pursues each person on earth mightily because it breaks His heart to not have them as His.
As I type this, I recognize that these are all statements that I have heard and known for some time. That said, I feel blessed in that it is penetrating my heart in a new way these days. I had a moment over the weekend where it became awesomely clear to me... there's a song that we often sing called "How He Loves Us" and it has a verse in it which says "if grace is an ocean we're all sinking..." Now, I've never quite liked the song because it's unfortunately forever tied to Mr. Sleepyhead, who was the one who introduced it to me. But anyway, as we were singing it this weekend, I imagined myself floating in the middle of this giant ocean, and God's waves just crashing over me. One wave was love, one wave was grace, one wave was forgiveness, one wave was a second chance, one wave was sustenance, one wave was goodness... repeated in a cycle as many times as real waves crash upon the shore... for eternity.
Sorry if that sounds strange or melodramatic, but the reality is that that's how much God loves us. The waves never stop, never run dry, never grow weaker, never retreat. Crazy to think about, right? I mean, really... really think about it.
In conclusion, I find myself slowly letting go of my death grip on marriage as I start to let first things be first in my heart. Not to say that I don't want it (I still do, at times desperately) but that I'm growing in my peace about it day by day. Being a single single isn't that bad after all, when you've got God on your side and you know that you're still desirable and wanted even if no one's choosing you right now. I pray that I can continue to think this way and continue to grow during this single single season! Here's to progress!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
"Ready to sell my aorta for a quarta"
Love love love love love this video:
http://theresurgence.com/2011/04/06/a-poem-for-all-single-people-pass-it-on
If I were more hip, better at bustin rhymes, and generally cooler... I'd be this girl. Alas, I guess it will be close enough to just call this my new anthem. I especially love the end, so if you're going to watch it, stick with it through the whole thing.
Love it.
...more than the watchmen wait for the morning, I will wait.
http://theresurgence.com/2011/04/06/a-poem-for-all-single-people-pass-it-on
If I were more hip, better at bustin rhymes, and generally cooler... I'd be this girl. Alas, I guess it will be close enough to just call this my new anthem. I especially love the end, so if you're going to watch it, stick with it through the whole thing.
Love it.
...more than the watchmen wait for the morning, I will wait.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Burnt Biscuit Syndrome, by M
For all of the things (good and bad) that I took away from the "courtship" with Mr. Maturity, my favorite is the phrase "burnt biscuit." I'm not sure if this is a phrase that's common in the south, or maybe just common to Mr. Maturity's vocabulary... either way, I like it. You can use it a couple of different ways:
1) As an insult: "Last one over here's a burnt biscuit!"
2) As a threat: "Mom, this biscuit is burnt." "Say that one more time and I'll burnt biscuit you!" (Why do moms always say things like this?)
3) In a literal sense: "I prefer a non-burnt biscuit to a burnt biscuit"
or, my favorite...
4) As a simile/metaphor: "That meatloaf is as dry as a burnt biscuit!"
Maybe the alliteration is funny to me. Or maybe I just like to talk about biscuits because it makes me seem more like a native southerner than I really am. (Although, no one down here knows about the year mom did nothing but bake biscuits, and subsequently, we did nothing but eat them. What was that one recipe called - touch of grace? Also a funny phrase for a biscuit, if you ask me!) Anyway, at the end of the day, here's the thing about a burnt biscuit: it's passed over, left out, unappreciated, unwanted, and undesirable. I'm sorry, burnt biscuit, but it's rough going for you, my friend.
...I realized recently that my issue with singleness isn't that I need someone to tell me I'm pretty, or hold my hand, or take a nap with me, or make plans for Saturday night. I'm not significantly bothered by not having a sparkly ring, or not picking out and wearing a beautiful dress, or even not having sex for the forseeable future. I can deal with not having these things.
My issue with singleness is feeling like the burnt biscuit.
Moreoever, as I have recently discovered, my biggest issue is with everyone else potentially thinking I'm a burnt biscuit.
(I honestly do not know why this all didn't occur to me long ago. I've think I've been walking around these ideas for a long, long time, but only recently hit it on the head. Linguists, psychologists, and communication scholars say that we can't conceptualize an idea until we have a name for it. Perhaps Mr. Maturity's big purpose in my life was only to introduce me to "burnt biscuit"... ha!)
So, I've diagnosed myself with "Burnt Biscuit Syndrome"... now, burnt biscuit syndrome does not mean that you actually are undesirable, unwanted, passed over, etc. If that were the case, the diagnosis would just be "burnt biscuit." The syndrome, however, is when you feel like a burnt biscuit, even when you are not. Kind of like hypochondria for baked goods... It's a syndrome that is fed by lots and lots of lies that the world (and many would argue, Satan) feeds us about what makes us good and desirable as women. The good news, however, is that having a diagnosis means it's easier to craft a treatment plan. My plan? Romans 12:2 - renewing the mind.
Now that I know exactly what the problem is, I can use my "sword of the spirit" to cut those lies down as they attempt to creep into my brain. I can stand up for myself and say "I will not be a burnt biscuit, Satan, and you can't make me!" (haha I just pictured myself wielding this giant sword against an onslaught of buttery biscuits)
In all seriousness, though, this is a huge breakthrough for me. For months I have been praying "please, Lord, show me what about singleness is such a challenge for me." "Please teach me how to embrace singleness, to use it productively and not continue to chase after the idol of relationship." Now I get it. Now I can start working to convince myself of a couple of things:
1) Being single does not make me a less valuable person to God or others (au contraire, actually)
2) Being single does not put me on any kind of "B list" of adulthood.
3) Being single for this season does not mean I will automatically revert back to pre-dating, high school Monica.
3) Being single and being married is not on a vertical axis of desirability, but on a horizontal axis of timing.
I especially like that last one. (Doubly so because I made it up all by myself haha) I'm honestly starting to feel better about singleness already. Thanks God, and Mr. Maturity, for bringing this to light for me!
1) As an insult: "Last one over here's a burnt biscuit!"
2) As a threat: "Mom, this biscuit is burnt." "Say that one more time and I'll burnt biscuit you!" (Why do moms always say things like this?)
3) In a literal sense: "I prefer a non-burnt biscuit to a burnt biscuit"
or, my favorite...
4) As a simile/metaphor: "That meatloaf is as dry as a burnt biscuit!"
Maybe the alliteration is funny to me. Or maybe I just like to talk about biscuits because it makes me seem more like a native southerner than I really am. (Although, no one down here knows about the year mom did nothing but bake biscuits, and subsequently, we did nothing but eat them. What was that one recipe called - touch of grace? Also a funny phrase for a biscuit, if you ask me!) Anyway, at the end of the day, here's the thing about a burnt biscuit: it's passed over, left out, unappreciated, unwanted, and undesirable. I'm sorry, burnt biscuit, but it's rough going for you, my friend.
...I realized recently that my issue with singleness isn't that I need someone to tell me I'm pretty, or hold my hand, or take a nap with me, or make plans for Saturday night. I'm not significantly bothered by not having a sparkly ring, or not picking out and wearing a beautiful dress, or even not having sex for the forseeable future. I can deal with not having these things.
My issue with singleness is feeling like the burnt biscuit.
Moreoever, as I have recently discovered, my biggest issue is with everyone else potentially thinking I'm a burnt biscuit.
(I honestly do not know why this all didn't occur to me long ago. I've think I've been walking around these ideas for a long, long time, but only recently hit it on the head. Linguists, psychologists, and communication scholars say that we can't conceptualize an idea until we have a name for it. Perhaps Mr. Maturity's big purpose in my life was only to introduce me to "burnt biscuit"... ha!)
So, I've diagnosed myself with "Burnt Biscuit Syndrome"... now, burnt biscuit syndrome does not mean that you actually are undesirable, unwanted, passed over, etc. If that were the case, the diagnosis would just be "burnt biscuit." The syndrome, however, is when you feel like a burnt biscuit, even when you are not. Kind of like hypochondria for baked goods... It's a syndrome that is fed by lots and lots of lies that the world (and many would argue, Satan) feeds us about what makes us good and desirable as women. The good news, however, is that having a diagnosis means it's easier to craft a treatment plan. My plan? Romans 12:2 - renewing the mind.
Now that I know exactly what the problem is, I can use my "sword of the spirit" to cut those lies down as they attempt to creep into my brain. I can stand up for myself and say "I will not be a burnt biscuit, Satan, and you can't make me!" (haha I just pictured myself wielding this giant sword against an onslaught of buttery biscuits)
In all seriousness, though, this is a huge breakthrough for me. For months I have been praying "please, Lord, show me what about singleness is such a challenge for me." "Please teach me how to embrace singleness, to use it productively and not continue to chase after the idol of relationship." Now I get it. Now I can start working to convince myself of a couple of things:
1) Being single does not make me a less valuable person to God or others (au contraire, actually)
2) Being single does not put me on any kind of "B list" of adulthood.
3) Being single for this season does not mean I will automatically revert back to pre-dating, high school Monica.
3) Being single and being married is not on a vertical axis of desirability, but on a horizontal axis of timing.
I especially like that last one. (Doubly so because I made it up all by myself haha) I'm honestly starting to feel better about singleness already. Thanks God, and Mr. Maturity, for bringing this to light for me!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Relationship Resume, by M
Every time I write a blog or a journal entry, I’m tempted to start it off with the following “Whoa… I can’t believe it’s been so many days since I updated!” Well, actually if you would read through my journal, or if you frequent my personal blog, I probably do end up saying that 8 times out of 10. The days go by so quickly! This go round, time really did escape me for a while… I was busy all weekend with my wonderful mom and sister, who were in town for my baptism! (More on that later…)
But in terms of the days going quickly, I’ve got to say… time is currently speeding by much quicker than I’d prefer. For one reason or another, I find myself feeling like I don’t have enough time to do anything recently… let alone everything. Those people in my day-to-day life have heard this concern from me a few times over the past couple of weeks. I just feel swamped. Spent. Tired.
So I’ve been trying to process why I’ve been feeling this way. Part of it is because I’ve been really busy at work. Part of it is because I’ve had a couple of other “side projects” going on that were time-consuming and not part of the normal routine. Part of it is because I’ve developed better friendships now that I’m not MIA spending time with a boyfriend. But really, none of those things totally account for why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling. I’ve been thinking, praying, and talking to W about it, and I believe I’ve come to a conclusion… I’ve been subconsciously building a relationship resume.
Seriously, a relationship resume. Now before I define that, let me back up and say that this really boils down to a control issue. I LOVE control. I LOVE the security that I feel when I’m in control of things. I self-identify as type A, kind of anal retentive, control freak status (mental note: don’t share this on dates lol). But it’s true… and this little relationship resume-building thing is just one way to try to trick myself into thinking I have control over something that I really don’t. My brain has played this game before in other incarnations… it’s tricky how it all works, really.
Okay, so here’s what happened… recently, I started filling up my schedule like crazy, a noticeable increase in activities occurring post break-up with “Mr. Maturity.” I’ve started taking on a bunch of pretty worthy things, under the guise that I just wanted to do these things because I can (singleness responsibility, in a way) and because I want to (out of love and obedience to Christ). I figured I’ve got the time, I’ve got the ability, and it’s better than sitting around thinking about being alone… so why not?
Well, next thing you know I’m working two jobs (okay, that wasn’t new), leading two ministry environments, volunteering every other weekend, taking classes, attending retreats, making goodie bags for the homeless, praying for the prisoners, etc… and it’s just TOO MUCH. I feel like my wheels are spinning constantly, I’m juggling too many things and always letting something drop… it’s exhausting. Bad news.
So then, how did I get here? Because all of these things in theory are great, super worthy endeavors. As Christians it’s supposed to work that the more we pour out in service to others, the more fulfilled we feel. So why am I so drained?
Enter the relationship resume. If I take a hard look at my motivation, I discover that the foundation of my thinking goes something like this: “…of course you should pray for the prisoners. God obviously wants you to be with those in prison… it’s in the Bible…” which swiftly turned into a thought like this: “…if you want to be a good catch for a good Christian man, you’ll up your chances by praying for prisoners…” (Or loving on some kiddos. Or taking a class on Hindu theology. Or rebuilding homes destroyed by the tornados. You get the idea.) Yikes. It is scary and super unattractive to admit that my thoughts went there. But in the spirit of honesty, they did… whether I admitted it to myself at the time or not.
You see, I figured that if I could just build up a great enough “relationship resume,” I would ensure that some great guy would find me attractive and want to be with me. I mean, really… who could say no to a woman that does all of these great things for the babies, the poor, the homeless, the sick, the imprisoned? Right!? Or so the fallacy goes. It gave me a false sense of control over the situation… like there was some direct correlation between me singing with toddlers in Sunday school and being married in the next 2-3 years. It’s so obviously not true, but yet it gave me some false security and comfort anyway.
I clearly understand now why all of these activities are draining… they need to be done for Christ with the right heart and the right motivation, or else it just becomes one more burden. And I’ve realized, too, that my litmus test can’t just be “if the Bible says to do it, it means I probably should.” If I check the Bible on any of these things, I’m confident that it would condone all of them; it is unlikely, however, that it would condone all of them at once. So, once again, I need to hand back over the control… and that means picking a few things that I can really commit to, adding a few more things to the list of “what I don’t do,” risk disappointing a few people in my life, and just trust God that I don’t need a 4.0 GPA in singleness to be attractive to someone.
It’s tough. I pray that I can just loosen the reins and let God have it… all of it… in regard to my love life. Clearly I’m not there yet. I’m learning every day how much of an issue this is for me, how distorted some of my thinking has been… I’m almost shocked to discover how deep some of these issues go for me. It’s intimidating, but I know that I’m moving forward and Christ is with me. Praise Him for that! Time to throw out the relationship resume... once and for all!
But in terms of the days going quickly, I’ve got to say… time is currently speeding by much quicker than I’d prefer. For one reason or another, I find myself feeling like I don’t have enough time to do anything recently… let alone everything. Those people in my day-to-day life have heard this concern from me a few times over the past couple of weeks. I just feel swamped. Spent. Tired.
So I’ve been trying to process why I’ve been feeling this way. Part of it is because I’ve been really busy at work. Part of it is because I’ve had a couple of other “side projects” going on that were time-consuming and not part of the normal routine. Part of it is because I’ve developed better friendships now that I’m not MIA spending time with a boyfriend. But really, none of those things totally account for why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling. I’ve been thinking, praying, and talking to W about it, and I believe I’ve come to a conclusion… I’ve been subconsciously building a relationship resume.
Seriously, a relationship resume. Now before I define that, let me back up and say that this really boils down to a control issue. I LOVE control. I LOVE the security that I feel when I’m in control of things. I self-identify as type A, kind of anal retentive, control freak status (mental note: don’t share this on dates lol). But it’s true… and this little relationship resume-building thing is just one way to try to trick myself into thinking I have control over something that I really don’t. My brain has played this game before in other incarnations… it’s tricky how it all works, really.
Okay, so here’s what happened… recently, I started filling up my schedule like crazy, a noticeable increase in activities occurring post break-up with “Mr. Maturity.” I’ve started taking on a bunch of pretty worthy things, under the guise that I just wanted to do these things because I can (singleness responsibility, in a way) and because I want to (out of love and obedience to Christ). I figured I’ve got the time, I’ve got the ability, and it’s better than sitting around thinking about being alone… so why not?
Well, next thing you know I’m working two jobs (okay, that wasn’t new), leading two ministry environments, volunteering every other weekend, taking classes, attending retreats, making goodie bags for the homeless, praying for the prisoners, etc… and it’s just TOO MUCH. I feel like my wheels are spinning constantly, I’m juggling too many things and always letting something drop… it’s exhausting. Bad news.
So then, how did I get here? Because all of these things in theory are great, super worthy endeavors. As Christians it’s supposed to work that the more we pour out in service to others, the more fulfilled we feel. So why am I so drained?
Enter the relationship resume. If I take a hard look at my motivation, I discover that the foundation of my thinking goes something like this: “…of course you should pray for the prisoners. God obviously wants you to be with those in prison… it’s in the Bible…” which swiftly turned into a thought like this: “…if you want to be a good catch for a good Christian man, you’ll up your chances by praying for prisoners…” (Or loving on some kiddos. Or taking a class on Hindu theology. Or rebuilding homes destroyed by the tornados. You get the idea.) Yikes. It is scary and super unattractive to admit that my thoughts went there. But in the spirit of honesty, they did… whether I admitted it to myself at the time or not.
You see, I figured that if I could just build up a great enough “relationship resume,” I would ensure that some great guy would find me attractive and want to be with me. I mean, really… who could say no to a woman that does all of these great things for the babies, the poor, the homeless, the sick, the imprisoned? Right!? Or so the fallacy goes. It gave me a false sense of control over the situation… like there was some direct correlation between me singing with toddlers in Sunday school and being married in the next 2-3 years. It’s so obviously not true, but yet it gave me some false security and comfort anyway.
I clearly understand now why all of these activities are draining… they need to be done for Christ with the right heart and the right motivation, or else it just becomes one more burden. And I’ve realized, too, that my litmus test can’t just be “if the Bible says to do it, it means I probably should.” If I check the Bible on any of these things, I’m confident that it would condone all of them; it is unlikely, however, that it would condone all of them at once. So, once again, I need to hand back over the control… and that means picking a few things that I can really commit to, adding a few more things to the list of “what I don’t do,” risk disappointing a few people in my life, and just trust God that I don’t need a 4.0 GPA in singleness to be attractive to someone.
It’s tough. I pray that I can just loosen the reins and let God have it… all of it… in regard to my love life. Clearly I’m not there yet. I’m learning every day how much of an issue this is for me, how distorted some of my thinking has been… I’m almost shocked to discover how deep some of these issues go for me. It’s intimidating, but I know that I’m moving forward and Christ is with me. Praise Him for that! Time to throw out the relationship resume... once and for all!
Monday, June 6, 2011
What the Bible Doesn't Say, by M
I just love W's previous post... it's such a fresh breath of reality, right!? Why does the world tell women that we're never quite good enough at anything, ever? (Shoutout to Captivating by John and Stasi Eldrige for the thought that women's biggest fear is being simultaneously too little AND too much - I agree. I think the world sends us this message all day every day).
W's post is a perfect lead-up, too, to what I was already planning on writing about today! (Sometimes that just happens when you're twins, I guess!)
Okay, so here's the deal: I am absolutely blessed to have been given some pretty AMAZING and FANTASTIC Jesus-loving women to surround myself with. Seriously. I recognize this fact and give thanks for it every.single.day. My mom, grandma, sisters, mentors, and friends are the cream of the crop, in my humble opinion! I feel beyond blessed to get to observe them, and at times, be a part of their lives as they live out Christ's calling and witness to others in a beautiful way. The amount that they've impacted my life and my walk with Christ is hard to even fathom.
That said... I've been wrestling with a thought lately that I think is relevant here. I’m surrounded by all of these fantastic women and I catch myself sometimes wondering… worrying… thinking "wow, this or that is so phenomenal about this or that woman… I’m not sure I have that. I’m not sure I AM that…" It’s so easy, SO EASY to fall into the temptation to compare or envy when you have such awesome people in your life! However, it’s so potentially dangerous to do that. And the tricky thing is to try to find a healthy, God- and self-honoring balance. I’m not sure I’m quite there yet.
On the one hand, these emotions are useful up to a point. It’s probably a great thing to recognize qualities and character traits in other people that I find to be "biblically attractive" (haha I totally just made that phrase up, but I like it! I might trademark it!) Meaning, traits that I find to be attractive in light of what the Bible tells us we’re supposed to do and be. So, I see the women in my life being "biblically attractive"… having patience, having joy, being fruitful (with their lives lol not just meaning ‘having children’ ha!), just loving the Lord, etc and it can be convicting. It’s probably a good conviction; it’s likely a call to help us realize that none of us have arrived, and that Christ yet is perfecting us daily, and some of us have strengths that others are waiting on and vice versa.
But then there’s that other hand… the one that sees these great things in these great people and tells us that we’re lacking if we don’t have them. It’s the lie that says we’ll never be as good as this person, never be as attractive as this person, never be wanted as this person may be wanted, never be loved fully, until we figure out how to be this and that which we are lacking. It’s clear that these are lies that are NOT from God… however, how often do we believe them? How often do we look to our left and right and see women that have what we don’t have and are what we think we aren’t and we just feel… defeated? We compare and we envy and we may even allow resentment to grow in our hearts towards God and towards these women if we’re not careful. I know I’ve been there.
So what gives? Where is the line that tells us where these emotions stop being helpful and start being hurtful? How can we know in which areas Christ is planning on changing us for the better and which areas he’s purposefully made us just like we are?
I mean, I’m not totally sure. But, I do have at least a jumping-off point… scripture. (haha big surprise there, right!?) In order to try to maintain a healthy viewpoint on this issue, we need to know exactly what is attractive to God, not man. We need to know what God loves about us and in us, and not concern ourselves with anything else. We need to know the character of Christ to know how God is likely to mold us and how He may not. So what does the Bible say?
"...The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness." Galatians 5:22
The famous Proverbs 31 wife:
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight" 1 Peter 3:3-4 (I think W just mentioned this one?)
Etc. Which means two things... God is pretty explicit about the things that He thinks are valuable and attractive. There are a definitely some things listed above that are awesome and wonderful and worthy of emulating. However, there are also many things that are NOT listed above. So, here are just a few examples of what the Bible DOESN’T say.
-Thou shalt play sports
-The wife of noble character cooks more than 5 recipes well
-Honor your body by shaving your legs daily
-And so God created man in his image, and woman in the image of Gisele.
-Assertiveness is pleasing to me
-Spontanaeity is the key to eternal life
-Lovest animals as I have loved you
Etc. In other words, I think that means that God's okay with the great majority of those "things I don't do." And THAT’S OKAY. In fact, that's awesome!
It means, when I look at other women and note to myself "Wow, she really loves cooking and is much better at it than me" … I need to check the thought that comes next. I need to make sure that what feeds my next thought is true conviction and not false comparison. It’s easy to go straight into "AHHHH she’s going to be such a better wife than me and OMG I’m going to be alone forever and everyone’s going to realize that she’s a better catch and I’m sucky at being a woman and so on and so on…" However, the real capital-T Truth is that those are all lies. The truth is that God undoubtedly knows that He created me without this inborn love of cooking, so it’s possible (dare I say likely?) that He created a man for me that won’t be too bothered by it. It's true that my worth as a woman, an heiress of God, is dependent NOT on my ability to cook more than 5 things. Isn't that a relief!?
So, my thinking about it is this: if the envy or the comparisons lead us closer to God and closer to a Christ-like character, then I say go ahead and use that conviction for good. However, last time I checked, I don’t think Christ did all that much cooking OR looked like Gisele… so I think, otherwise, it’s more beneficial to know the truth and rest in the knowledge that God created each and every one of us exactly as He wanted us... and for the great majority of us, He also created someone else exactly as He wanted them FOR us.
And if that means that I don’t ride roller coasters or that I avoid onions like the plague… that’s okay. If that means that 90% of the men I meet are turned off by those "things I don't do"... that's okay. (Gulp). If Jesus is okay with it, I’m okay with it. Besides, if I'm becoming more like Jesus every day, and my future hubby is too (God willing!) those "things I do do" should be shining far brighter than the absence left by those things I don't.
W's post is a perfect lead-up, too, to what I was already planning on writing about today! (Sometimes that just happens when you're twins, I guess!)
Okay, so here's the deal: I am absolutely blessed to have been given some pretty AMAZING and FANTASTIC Jesus-loving women to surround myself with. Seriously. I recognize this fact and give thanks for it every.single.day. My mom, grandma, sisters, mentors, and friends are the cream of the crop, in my humble opinion! I feel beyond blessed to get to observe them, and at times, be a part of their lives as they live out Christ's calling and witness to others in a beautiful way. The amount that they've impacted my life and my walk with Christ is hard to even fathom.
That said... I've been wrestling with a thought lately that I think is relevant here. I’m surrounded by all of these fantastic women and I catch myself sometimes wondering… worrying… thinking "wow, this or that is so phenomenal about this or that woman… I’m not sure I have that. I’m not sure I AM that…" It’s so easy, SO EASY to fall into the temptation to compare or envy when you have such awesome people in your life! However, it’s so potentially dangerous to do that. And the tricky thing is to try to find a healthy, God- and self-honoring balance. I’m not sure I’m quite there yet.
On the one hand, these emotions are useful up to a point. It’s probably a great thing to recognize qualities and character traits in other people that I find to be "biblically attractive" (haha I totally just made that phrase up, but I like it! I might trademark it!) Meaning, traits that I find to be attractive in light of what the Bible tells us we’re supposed to do and be. So, I see the women in my life being "biblically attractive"… having patience, having joy, being fruitful (with their lives lol not just meaning ‘having children’ ha!), just loving the Lord, etc and it can be convicting. It’s probably a good conviction; it’s likely a call to help us realize that none of us have arrived, and that Christ yet is perfecting us daily, and some of us have strengths that others are waiting on and vice versa.
But then there’s that other hand… the one that sees these great things in these great people and tells us that we’re lacking if we don’t have them. It’s the lie that says we’ll never be as good as this person, never be as attractive as this person, never be wanted as this person may be wanted, never be loved fully, until we figure out how to be this and that which we are lacking. It’s clear that these are lies that are NOT from God… however, how often do we believe them? How often do we look to our left and right and see women that have what we don’t have and are what we think we aren’t and we just feel… defeated? We compare and we envy and we may even allow resentment to grow in our hearts towards God and towards these women if we’re not careful. I know I’ve been there.
So what gives? Where is the line that tells us where these emotions stop being helpful and start being hurtful? How can we know in which areas Christ is planning on changing us for the better and which areas he’s purposefully made us just like we are?
I mean, I’m not totally sure. But, I do have at least a jumping-off point… scripture. (haha big surprise there, right!?) In order to try to maintain a healthy viewpoint on this issue, we need to know exactly what is attractive to God, not man. We need to know what God loves about us and in us, and not concern ourselves with anything else. We need to know the character of Christ to know how God is likely to mold us and how He may not. So what does the Bible say?
"...The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness." Galatians 5:22
The famous Proverbs 31 wife:
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight" 1 Peter 3:3-4 (I think W just mentioned this one?)
Etc. Which means two things... God is pretty explicit about the things that He thinks are valuable and attractive. There are a definitely some things listed above that are awesome and wonderful and worthy of emulating. However, there are also many things that are NOT listed above. So, here are just a few examples of what the Bible DOESN’T say.
-Thou shalt play sports
-The wife of noble character cooks more than 5 recipes well
-Honor your body by shaving your legs daily
-And so God created man in his image, and woman in the image of Gisele.
-Assertiveness is pleasing to me
-Spontanaeity is the key to eternal life
-Lovest animals as I have loved you
Etc. In other words, I think that means that God's okay with the great majority of those "things I don't do." And THAT’S OKAY. In fact, that's awesome!
It means, when I look at other women and note to myself "Wow, she really loves cooking and is much better at it than me" … I need to check the thought that comes next. I need to make sure that what feeds my next thought is true conviction and not false comparison. It’s easy to go straight into "AHHHH she’s going to be such a better wife than me and OMG I’m going to be alone forever and everyone’s going to realize that she’s a better catch and I’m sucky at being a woman and so on and so on…" However, the real capital-T Truth is that those are all lies. The truth is that God undoubtedly knows that He created me without this inborn love of cooking, so it’s possible (dare I say likely?) that He created a man for me that won’t be too bothered by it. It's true that my worth as a woman, an heiress of God, is dependent NOT on my ability to cook more than 5 things. Isn't that a relief!?
So, my thinking about it is this: if the envy or the comparisons lead us closer to God and closer to a Christ-like character, then I say go ahead and use that conviction for good. However, last time I checked, I don’t think Christ did all that much cooking OR looked like Gisele… so I think, otherwise, it’s more beneficial to know the truth and rest in the knowledge that God created each and every one of us exactly as He wanted us... and for the great majority of us, He also created someone else exactly as He wanted them FOR us.
And if that means that I don’t ride roller coasters or that I avoid onions like the plague… that’s okay. If that means that 90% of the men I meet are turned off by those "things I don't do"... that's okay. (Gulp). If Jesus is okay with it, I’m okay with it. Besides, if I'm becoming more like Jesus every day, and my future hubby is too (God willing!) those "things I do do" should be shining far brighter than the absence left by those things I don't.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Dating Covenant by M
Yesterday, my dear friend E signed a dating covenant. (I know you're reading, E... hope you're okay with the shoutout! ha) Well, pretty much I forced her to create and sign the covenant and she was a really good sport about it. The rest of the small group girls signed it, too, to act as witnesses to make it official. The whole experience was alternately educational and hilarious (what does one include in a dating covenant? "Thou shalt not date douchebags"? Sorry for the language, mom, if you're reading this...)
Seriously though, it was a good exercise and it got me thinking that I could do well to make a dating covenant for myself. And since I have a few (hopefully?) loyal readers on here, I figured that sharing with you all would be a great way to ensure accountability. Now, we just have to settle on what the consequences are for violating the covenant. E was given the fate of joining the few of us who go regularly to watch about 2 dozen rambunctious and aggressive toddlers at a local women's shelter should she break the covenant... Trust me, it's a threat that I believe will not be taken lightly! If you all have any good ideas for consequences for me (no more Oreos? Forced to eat ONIONS!? EEEEK!) let me know!
Okay, so the dating covenant was broken into three sections: unacceptables, non-negotionables, and standards. There may be some overlap here, and I guess that's okay. Here goes:
Unacceptables (Inspired by the exes and horror stories of friends)
1. He cannot look to me to be his strengh
2. He cannot be torn between his family and me
3. He cannot have a raging mental illness (sorry if that makes me a bad person. Been there. Can't do it.)
4. He cannot consistenly choose his friends, job, car, gym habit over me
5. He cannot be dishonest.
6. He cannot cheat.
7. He cannot intentionally surround himself with scantily clad women (photos or otherwise).
8. He cannot be addicted to drugs (including cigarettes) or alcohol.
9. He cannot be secretive, shady, or otherwise evasive.
10. He cannot be a twin. (ha! Really though...)
Non-negotiables
1. He must be a real, active, growing follower of Jesus.
2. He must want kids.
3. He must be honest (both in relation to me, and just as a character trait)
4. He must be kind (to me, to his mother, to wait staff, etc.)
5. He must taller than me (hmmm let's be real, this matters. Although, Jesus could throw me a curveball... who knows?)
6. He must be hard-working.
7. He must be respectful of women.
8. He must be a good communicator.
9. He must have a curious heart (this one's hard to describe... I guess it means that he must like to learn and grow, even if that doesn't necessarily mean through school or reading)
10. He must be "biblically qualified" to be a husband (more on that in an upcoming post!)
Standards (Some of these courtesy of the brilliant book He's Just Not that Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)
1. I will date a man only if he is worthy of being spiritually followed.
2. I will date a man only if he has pursued me.
3. I will date a man only if he prioritizes spending time and getting to know me.
4. I will date a man only if he is sure he wants to date me and talks about it explicitly aka I will not date a man who is non-commital!!
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel undesirable.
6. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
7. I will date only a CLEARLY good, kind, loving, respectable man.
8. I will date a man only if he believes in and is proactive in setting appropriate physical boundaries pre-marriage.
9. I will date a man only if he is honestly approved by my family, close friends, and other godly counsel.
10. I will date a man only after earnest and significant prayer leads me to believe that I should.
That's a lot to think about at one time! I think I will print it out and stick it somewhere visible so that I can internalize it. Can you imagine when I go on a date sometime in the future... what if I busted out this huge list in the bathroom... or worse, at the table!?! haha A new movie: How to lose a guy in 10 minutes! Really though, most of this should be self-explanatory and already internalized. Although, given my track record one could think otherwise. In any case, I think it's good to write it all down and involve people in creating accountability.
In a way, I suppose this doesn't even matter at the moment because it's a dating covenant and I'm not dating. However, something I've been enjoying recently is playing a little game called "the red-flag game" (if I'm feeling judgmental haha) or alternately "the standards game" (if I'm feeling optimistic). It's the same game either way... meet a person, observe their behavior, and decide where they fall on either the red-flag scale or the standards scale. It's fun because I'm not necessarily interested in anyone I'm playing this game with, and it can even be people who are already taken (watchout T! haha JUST KIDDING. That's weird). It's good though because I can recognize traits that I like and don't like about people without being invested in the outcome... it makes for a much more objective reading. I think this covenant will help me get even better at this observation exercise... which, in theory, is refining my "picker" as Patti, the Millionaire Matchmaker, would call it. And, hey, I'm all for not making another stupid choice... so bring on the covenant!
Seriously though, it was a good exercise and it got me thinking that I could do well to make a dating covenant for myself. And since I have a few (hopefully?) loyal readers on here, I figured that sharing with you all would be a great way to ensure accountability. Now, we just have to settle on what the consequences are for violating the covenant. E was given the fate of joining the few of us who go regularly to watch about 2 dozen rambunctious and aggressive toddlers at a local women's shelter should she break the covenant... Trust me, it's a threat that I believe will not be taken lightly! If you all have any good ideas for consequences for me (no more Oreos? Forced to eat ONIONS!? EEEEK!) let me know!
Okay, so the dating covenant was broken into three sections: unacceptables, non-negotionables, and standards. There may be some overlap here, and I guess that's okay. Here goes:
Unacceptables (Inspired by the exes and horror stories of friends)
1. He cannot look to me to be his strengh
2. He cannot be torn between his family and me
3. He cannot have a raging mental illness (sorry if that makes me a bad person. Been there. Can't do it.)
4. He cannot consistenly choose his friends, job, car, gym habit over me
5. He cannot be dishonest.
6. He cannot cheat.
7. He cannot intentionally surround himself with scantily clad women (photos or otherwise).
8. He cannot be addicted to drugs (including cigarettes) or alcohol.
9. He cannot be secretive, shady, or otherwise evasive.
10. He cannot be a twin. (ha! Really though...)
Non-negotiables
1. He must be a real, active, growing follower of Jesus.
2. He must want kids.
3. He must be honest (both in relation to me, and just as a character trait)
4. He must be kind (to me, to his mother, to wait staff, etc.)
5. He must taller than me (hmmm let's be real, this matters. Although, Jesus could throw me a curveball... who knows?)
6. He must be hard-working.
7. He must be respectful of women.
8. He must be a good communicator.
9. He must have a curious heart (this one's hard to describe... I guess it means that he must like to learn and grow, even if that doesn't necessarily mean through school or reading)
10. He must be "biblically qualified" to be a husband (more on that in an upcoming post!)
Standards (Some of these courtesy of the brilliant book He's Just Not that Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)
1. I will date a man only if he is worthy of being spiritually followed.
2. I will date a man only if he has pursued me.
3. I will date a man only if he prioritizes spending time and getting to know me.
4. I will date a man only if he is sure he wants to date me and talks about it explicitly aka I will not date a man who is non-commital!!
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel undesirable.
6. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
7. I will date only a CLEARLY good, kind, loving, respectable man.
8. I will date a man only if he believes in and is proactive in setting appropriate physical boundaries pre-marriage.
9. I will date a man only if he is honestly approved by my family, close friends, and other godly counsel.
10. I will date a man only after earnest and significant prayer leads me to believe that I should.
That's a lot to think about at one time! I think I will print it out and stick it somewhere visible so that I can internalize it. Can you imagine when I go on a date sometime in the future... what if I busted out this huge list in the bathroom... or worse, at the table!?! haha A new movie: How to lose a guy in 10 minutes! Really though, most of this should be self-explanatory and already internalized. Although, given my track record one could think otherwise. In any case, I think it's good to write it all down and involve people in creating accountability.
In a way, I suppose this doesn't even matter at the moment because it's a dating covenant and I'm not dating. However, something I've been enjoying recently is playing a little game called "the red-flag game" (if I'm feeling judgmental haha) or alternately "the standards game" (if I'm feeling optimistic). It's the same game either way... meet a person, observe their behavior, and decide where they fall on either the red-flag scale or the standards scale. It's fun because I'm not necessarily interested in anyone I'm playing this game with, and it can even be people who are already taken (watchout T! haha JUST KIDDING. That's weird). It's good though because I can recognize traits that I like and don't like about people without being invested in the outcome... it makes for a much more objective reading. I think this covenant will help me get even better at this observation exercise... which, in theory, is refining my "picker" as Patti, the Millionaire Matchmaker, would call it. And, hey, I'm all for not making another stupid choice... so bring on the covenant!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Some thoughts on Service
This will probably be short and likely scatter-brained as it's been a long day and my alarm clock is ringing in a few short hours. See, tomorrow I'm going to Alabama to do some disaster relief work in one of the many areas that are still reeling from the tornados that passed through exactly a month ago. I'm really excited about going... even though it means being outside in the 90 degree weather, sweating (although, let's be honest, not as much as I sweated at hot yoga this past Tuesday ha!), and probably lifting big branches and other heavy things all day. I've really felt a big pull towards service recently, and I guess I'm just excited to move in the direction that the pull is taking me!
W and I both have always had somewhat of a desire to serve people (W more than me, honestly), which is why we both spent a year-ish teaching inner-city kids, and which is also why we're both looking at careers in non-profits aimed at helping various populations in need. I don't think either of us really think about it that much... it's just kind of how things are to help us feel useful and sleep well at night. That said, I feel like God has laid on my heart recently the desire to bump it up a notch in terms of service. This is probably partway because it seems like all any of us see day in and day out is the massive need all around us. But, I think it's also because of another reason...
Lately, I just feel kind of weird and selfish about how un-attached I am. It feels very strange (and liberating, I guess) that I can just totally do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it, without consulting anyone or having to even care what anyone else thinks about it. It matters to no one else where I put my money, or how late I sleep in on Saturdays, or how many times I do or don't wash my car. It is BIZARRE... granted, I know at a certain level what I do affects others, but I think you know what I mean. While W is trying earnestly to feign love for carrots so that T doesn't feel bad about his new anti-inflammation diet... I am chowing down on Taco Bell, relatively guilt-free. And, while being in a relationship didn't have TOO much extra bearing on any of these things... being 100% unattached still feels markedly different.
This is especially true when more and more of my already married friends are now starting to have kids. Like, real, legitimate, inside-of-wedlock kids. And suddendly it feels like all the married people are like the "real" adults, who have big-time responsibilities and worries, and all of us non-married people are like fake adults who are in this perpetual state of college-y freedom and fun. And on the one hand, I kind of love it (I do feel like I'm having almost as much fun now as I did in college) but on the other hand it, again, makes me just feel weird and almost guilty, like it's not okay to be this unburdened and still be an adult. But what can I do? If I had the choice, I'd be married. I'd take on the responsibilities gladly. And yet, here I find myself.
Which brings me back to service... the only way I can really reconcile these feelings is to dedicate more and more of myself to service to others. If God is keeping me in this unattached stage for a reason, I'm pretty sure it's not solely so that I can selfishly live out my 20s in a young-adult collection of glory days. So, if I don't have the option of giving myself to someone specifically and to little hypothetical children... I might as well make myself useful in the meantime. This is not at all a new thought - pretty much everyone under the sun says that being single is the best time to be useful for Christ... even Paul haha - but just one that I'm experiencing in a new way currently.
I feel super blessed to have an AWESOME community of single friends and peers here who are also passionate about serving. And it's kind of cool because I'm starting to see (and enjoy) how serving really does make you feel like you and all of the others you work alongside are the body of Christ in the world. And that, in and of itself, gives us single people a place of belonging and almost family where we would otherwise potentially be floundering on our own. It's wonderful how perfectly God designs things, right!?
Anyway, just some thoughts. I'm sure when I'm several years older with (God willing) a wonderful husband and a few kids I'll look back at this time fondly... and with unbelief at how easy and carefree it was. So, let me use this time purposefully and joyfully, and appreciate it for the gift that it is.
W and I both have always had somewhat of a desire to serve people (W more than me, honestly), which is why we both spent a year-ish teaching inner-city kids, and which is also why we're both looking at careers in non-profits aimed at helping various populations in need. I don't think either of us really think about it that much... it's just kind of how things are to help us feel useful and sleep well at night. That said, I feel like God has laid on my heart recently the desire to bump it up a notch in terms of service. This is probably partway because it seems like all any of us see day in and day out is the massive need all around us. But, I think it's also because of another reason...
Lately, I just feel kind of weird and selfish about how un-attached I am. It feels very strange (and liberating, I guess) that I can just totally do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it, without consulting anyone or having to even care what anyone else thinks about it. It matters to no one else where I put my money, or how late I sleep in on Saturdays, or how many times I do or don't wash my car. It is BIZARRE... granted, I know at a certain level what I do affects others, but I think you know what I mean. While W is trying earnestly to feign love for carrots so that T doesn't feel bad about his new anti-inflammation diet... I am chowing down on Taco Bell, relatively guilt-free. And, while being in a relationship didn't have TOO much extra bearing on any of these things... being 100% unattached still feels markedly different.
This is especially true when more and more of my already married friends are now starting to have kids. Like, real, legitimate, inside-of-wedlock kids. And suddendly it feels like all the married people are like the "real" adults, who have big-time responsibilities and worries, and all of us non-married people are like fake adults who are in this perpetual state of college-y freedom and fun. And on the one hand, I kind of love it (I do feel like I'm having almost as much fun now as I did in college) but on the other hand it, again, makes me just feel weird and almost guilty, like it's not okay to be this unburdened and still be an adult. But what can I do? If I had the choice, I'd be married. I'd take on the responsibilities gladly. And yet, here I find myself.
Which brings me back to service... the only way I can really reconcile these feelings is to dedicate more and more of myself to service to others. If God is keeping me in this unattached stage for a reason, I'm pretty sure it's not solely so that I can selfishly live out my 20s in a young-adult collection of glory days. So, if I don't have the option of giving myself to someone specifically and to little hypothetical children... I might as well make myself useful in the meantime. This is not at all a new thought - pretty much everyone under the sun says that being single is the best time to be useful for Christ... even Paul haha - but just one that I'm experiencing in a new way currently.
I feel super blessed to have an AWESOME community of single friends and peers here who are also passionate about serving. And it's kind of cool because I'm starting to see (and enjoy) how serving really does make you feel like you and all of the others you work alongside are the body of Christ in the world. And that, in and of itself, gives us single people a place of belonging and almost family where we would otherwise potentially be floundering on our own. It's wonderful how perfectly God designs things, right!?
Anyway, just some thoughts. I'm sure when I'm several years older with (God willing) a wonderful husband and a few kids I'll look back at this time fondly... and with unbelief at how easy and carefree it was. So, let me use this time purposefully and joyfully, and appreciate it for the gift that it is.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Renewing the Mind
Well, unlike W, I thought it was easier and less confusing to put "by M" in the title, as opposed to having to open every blog with a sentence about who is doing the writing. Ah well. This is M, by the way. =)
Okay, so I've been doing a lot of mind-renewing lately. A LOT. I'm trying to figure out how to "do singleness" the right way. This is actually a lot of hard work mentally and spiritually because I'm fairly confident that, up until this point, I've only had experience doing singleness the wrong way. At least I know what not to do? Although, knowing what not to do does not necessarily mean that knowing what to do is just the inverse. Like I said, it's been a bit of work, and I anticipate it continuing to be so.
That said, I've really been enjoying the process so far. (Enjoying singleness?! WHAT!?!) It's been exciting to see the ways I'm maturing and growing... and even exciting, in a way, to be knocked over the head with these giant blind spots that I didn't even know I had. It makes me look forward to my next relationship (many months from now) because I can see already how I will go into it much healthier and much more whole. I can only imagine where I'll end up, say, 9 months from now in terms of how I approach the whole business. I'm really excited to see where God takes me and how He changes my heart!
As part of my mindset-shifting exercises, I figured that first it might be beneficial if I lay out the rules and objectives that I've outlined for myself for the dating fast. If I've missed any good ones that you've thought of or practiced, please share them! (p.s. These sound absolutely ridiculous... and they kind of are. But hey, it's easier to stay within boundaries once you've decided what those boundaries are, right?)
Rules:
1) No dating - dating counts as a series of intentional one-on-one interactions with a member of the opposite sex that would lead to a DTR, or the uncomfortable feeling that a DTR is necessary.
2) Limited touching - For example, an arm grab accompanied by "don't step into the street! There's a truck coming!" is acceptable. An arm brush accompanied by "It was great to meet you!" is... not so much.
3) Limited texting - avoid texting members of the opposite sex for reasons other than logistical questions.
4) Limited facebooking - I will NOT go home and immediately facebook random guys that I meet. I will NOT facebook certain exes more than once-a-month checks to see if they still have facial hair and/or if they've gotten married yet. I will NOT stalk men on facebook if I don't know at least their a) last name, b) place of employment, and c) hometown. I will accept friend requests if I get them, and appropriately respond to communication (see rule about texting).
5) Maturity and honesty - I will be up-front about the dating fast to anyone that may inquire about my availability. I will be as mature and respectful as possible in the event I need to "let someone down"
Objectives:
1) Make and value my friendships - learn to find certain fulfillment in my relationships with friends. Recognize the pros of having friendships with women AND men (abiding by the above rules, of course!). Make new friends, specifically with the objective of finding some non-believers and befriending them, too.
2) Get involved - engage in my city! Try new things... take people up on their offers... learn spontaneity. Busyness = no time to sit and mope about singleness.
3) Love and be loved by God - switch my focus from studying God to knowing God. Live in His abundant love. Let God hold my whole heart.
4) Become a student of men - Observe!! Watch the guys that I interact with... what are the qualities that I find attractive? What are the qualities that I find unattractive? Who around me seems to have the most of each? Why?
5) Live the calling - use this time to further the Kingdom. Learn. Serve. Give. Live fully for Christ in a way that only singles can.
So there you have my rules/objectives! Although I don't anticipate this blog being just a place for semi-weekly updates about how the dating fast is going, I'll probably get back to these now and again to remind myself where I'm going with this. For those of you that I interact with frequently, please hold me accountable!
And now, just a few thoughts on how else I'm shifting my mindset...
1) How I approach marriage and married people. In the past (and let's be honest, in the present too, when I'm not actively trying to avoid it) I would see married people out and about, or at church, or on facebook and think something along the lines of "ughhhhhhh they WOULD be married. They WOULD be so cute and look so happy and be done with dating. They WOULD get to do all the fun things associated with marriage and have a sparkly ring too. LAME!" Okay, so let's just call it like it is and say that those thoughts are fueled by envy. And those thoughts are also fueled by some false beliefs: that now that these women are married their lives are perfect, that God is withholding this grand thing from me just out of meanness, that marriage is the ultimate goal in life, etc. Nothing about those thoughts is true or productive. So, I'm renewing my mind by choosing to think differently when I see cute 20s-ish married couples... "They are married... God loves me just as much as He loves them... God knows how much I want to be married... God is faithful in granting the desires of our hearts... I'll take this and all the other married people I see as a sign that God gives marriage to the great majority of people, and He'll likely give it to me too... just not yet."
2) How I view men. Okay, so I've pretty much never had straight-guy friends before right now. Seriously, like never. In the past, any males that I interacted with generally fell into one of the following six categories: 1) boyfriend. 2) boyfriend's friends. 3) boyfriend stand-in (you know, the one that's not technically the boyfriend but is for all practical purposes because you talk and hang out all the time but say you're just friends) 4) sister's boyfriend. 5) gay friend (I have many and I love them!) 6) potential boyfriend. So yeah, nowhere in that list is just the typical "it's a friend of mine who just happens to be a straight male." And frankly, I've discovered recently that I need a BIG mindset shift to even create a category in my brain for guy friends. Before now, any guy that I randomly met would either be labeled "potential boyfriend" or "non-potential boyfriend" and I would modify my behavior accordingly. Potential boyfriends got the flirty, touchy, facebook treatment that I'm currently trying to avoid, and non-potential boyfriends got totally rejected and ignored. HELLO MONICA... THIS IS NOT OKAY! I'm learning to value men as people just like I value women as people. I'm learning to see their strengths and weaknesses in the context of their humanity and not in the context of a potential husband for myself. I'm learning that in this bizarre way I was kind of objectifying and reducing them in much the same way my feminist heart gets sick about when they do it to us. YIKES! And so, as I mentioned above, I'm just trying to learn how to be around them, enjoy them as friends, and really observe how they act. Even ones that I would ultimately consider "non-potential" likely have some attractive qualities that I can at least note and then look for in others in the future. This probably seems silly or like so 7th grade to many of you reading this, but seriously... its a big change for me.
3) How I view God. I recently had a thought that God has been probably very jealous for my heart for these last several years. Here I am doing all of these things in my faith life - trying to be spiritually mature,and learning, and journaling and whatever... and all this time I've been simultaneously running around trying to frantically give my heart to whatever semi-qualified man I could find who would take it. I feel like God is like "Monica, why can't you give your heart to Me? Why can't I have it? Why don't you love Me as much as you love having earthly love?" Back to the image of Hosea and Gomer... truly. When I think of all of the time and mental/emotional energy that I've spent chasing after dead-end men or relationships... it's staggering. I'm trying to learn to just... stop it. To give my heart to Christ and let Him decide if and when someone else may get it. It's a really big adjustment though.
Those are probably the three biggest issues that I've encountered as of now. I'm not sure I did too great of a job explaining any of them... they all make sense in my head at least! The process of "renewing your mind" is one that takes A LOT of work. It's a process that I've only pretty recently learned; sometimes it's painstaking to systematically and continuously figure out and address those things in your mind that need renewed. I like to think of it like food that starts going bad if it isn't pitched and replaced at the appropriate time. Maybe that's a gross image? True though, the consequences are gross for us if renewing the mind never happens... I go back to Romans 12:2 - "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will." Lord knows my goal is to know God's will when it eventually does come to the question of whether some man is in it or not. As God is faithful, this renewing of my mind will pay off in when that day comes! Amen!
Okay, so I've been doing a lot of mind-renewing lately. A LOT. I'm trying to figure out how to "do singleness" the right way. This is actually a lot of hard work mentally and spiritually because I'm fairly confident that, up until this point, I've only had experience doing singleness the wrong way. At least I know what not to do? Although, knowing what not to do does not necessarily mean that knowing what to do is just the inverse. Like I said, it's been a bit of work, and I anticipate it continuing to be so.
That said, I've really been enjoying the process so far. (Enjoying singleness?! WHAT!?!) It's been exciting to see the ways I'm maturing and growing... and even exciting, in a way, to be knocked over the head with these giant blind spots that I didn't even know I had. It makes me look forward to my next relationship (many months from now) because I can see already how I will go into it much healthier and much more whole. I can only imagine where I'll end up, say, 9 months from now in terms of how I approach the whole business. I'm really excited to see where God takes me and how He changes my heart!
As part of my mindset-shifting exercises, I figured that first it might be beneficial if I lay out the rules and objectives that I've outlined for myself for the dating fast. If I've missed any good ones that you've thought of or practiced, please share them! (p.s. These sound absolutely ridiculous... and they kind of are. But hey, it's easier to stay within boundaries once you've decided what those boundaries are, right?)
Rules:
1) No dating - dating counts as a series of intentional one-on-one interactions with a member of the opposite sex that would lead to a DTR, or the uncomfortable feeling that a DTR is necessary.
2) Limited touching - For example, an arm grab accompanied by "don't step into the street! There's a truck coming!" is acceptable. An arm brush accompanied by "It was great to meet you!" is... not so much.
3) Limited texting - avoid texting members of the opposite sex for reasons other than logistical questions.
4) Limited facebooking - I will NOT go home and immediately facebook random guys that I meet. I will NOT facebook certain exes more than once-a-month checks to see if they still have facial hair and/or if they've gotten married yet. I will NOT stalk men on facebook if I don't know at least their a) last name, b) place of employment, and c) hometown. I will accept friend requests if I get them, and appropriately respond to communication (see rule about texting).
5) Maturity and honesty - I will be up-front about the dating fast to anyone that may inquire about my availability. I will be as mature and respectful as possible in the event I need to "let someone down"
Objectives:
1) Make and value my friendships - learn to find certain fulfillment in my relationships with friends. Recognize the pros of having friendships with women AND men (abiding by the above rules, of course!). Make new friends, specifically with the objective of finding some non-believers and befriending them, too.
2) Get involved - engage in my city! Try new things... take people up on their offers... learn spontaneity. Busyness = no time to sit and mope about singleness.
3) Love and be loved by God - switch my focus from studying God to knowing God. Live in His abundant love. Let God hold my whole heart.
4) Become a student of men - Observe!! Watch the guys that I interact with... what are the qualities that I find attractive? What are the qualities that I find unattractive? Who around me seems to have the most of each? Why?
5) Live the calling - use this time to further the Kingdom. Learn. Serve. Give. Live fully for Christ in a way that only singles can.
So there you have my rules/objectives! Although I don't anticipate this blog being just a place for semi-weekly updates about how the dating fast is going, I'll probably get back to these now and again to remind myself where I'm going with this. For those of you that I interact with frequently, please hold me accountable!
And now, just a few thoughts on how else I'm shifting my mindset...
1) How I approach marriage and married people. In the past (and let's be honest, in the present too, when I'm not actively trying to avoid it) I would see married people out and about, or at church, or on facebook and think something along the lines of "ughhhhhhh they WOULD be married. They WOULD be so cute and look so happy and be done with dating. They WOULD get to do all the fun things associated with marriage and have a sparkly ring too. LAME!" Okay, so let's just call it like it is and say that those thoughts are fueled by envy. And those thoughts are also fueled by some false beliefs: that now that these women are married their lives are perfect, that God is withholding this grand thing from me just out of meanness, that marriage is the ultimate goal in life, etc. Nothing about those thoughts is true or productive. So, I'm renewing my mind by choosing to think differently when I see cute 20s-ish married couples... "They are married... God loves me just as much as He loves them... God knows how much I want to be married... God is faithful in granting the desires of our hearts... I'll take this and all the other married people I see as a sign that God gives marriage to the great majority of people, and He'll likely give it to me too... just not yet."
2) How I view men. Okay, so I've pretty much never had straight-guy friends before right now. Seriously, like never. In the past, any males that I interacted with generally fell into one of the following six categories: 1) boyfriend. 2) boyfriend's friends. 3) boyfriend stand-in (you know, the one that's not technically the boyfriend but is for all practical purposes because you talk and hang out all the time but say you're just friends) 4) sister's boyfriend. 5) gay friend (I have many and I love them!) 6) potential boyfriend. So yeah, nowhere in that list is just the typical "it's a friend of mine who just happens to be a straight male." And frankly, I've discovered recently that I need a BIG mindset shift to even create a category in my brain for guy friends. Before now, any guy that I randomly met would either be labeled "potential boyfriend" or "non-potential boyfriend" and I would modify my behavior accordingly. Potential boyfriends got the flirty, touchy, facebook treatment that I'm currently trying to avoid, and non-potential boyfriends got totally rejected and ignored. HELLO MONICA... THIS IS NOT OKAY! I'm learning to value men as people just like I value women as people. I'm learning to see their strengths and weaknesses in the context of their humanity and not in the context of a potential husband for myself. I'm learning that in this bizarre way I was kind of objectifying and reducing them in much the same way my feminist heart gets sick about when they do it to us. YIKES! And so, as I mentioned above, I'm just trying to learn how to be around them, enjoy them as friends, and really observe how they act. Even ones that I would ultimately consider "non-potential" likely have some attractive qualities that I can at least note and then look for in others in the future. This probably seems silly or like so 7th grade to many of you reading this, but seriously... its a big change for me.
3) How I view God. I recently had a thought that God has been probably very jealous for my heart for these last several years. Here I am doing all of these things in my faith life - trying to be spiritually mature,and learning, and journaling and whatever... and all this time I've been simultaneously running around trying to frantically give my heart to whatever semi-qualified man I could find who would take it. I feel like God is like "Monica, why can't you give your heart to Me? Why can't I have it? Why don't you love Me as much as you love having earthly love?" Back to the image of Hosea and Gomer... truly. When I think of all of the time and mental/emotional energy that I've spent chasing after dead-end men or relationships... it's staggering. I'm trying to learn to just... stop it. To give my heart to Christ and let Him decide if and when someone else may get it. It's a really big adjustment though.
Those are probably the three biggest issues that I've encountered as of now. I'm not sure I did too great of a job explaining any of them... they all make sense in my head at least! The process of "renewing your mind" is one that takes A LOT of work. It's a process that I've only pretty recently learned; sometimes it's painstaking to systematically and continuously figure out and address those things in your mind that need renewed. I like to think of it like food that starts going bad if it isn't pitched and replaced at the appropriate time. Maybe that's a gross image? True though, the consequences are gross for us if renewing the mind never happens... I go back to Romans 12:2 - "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will." Lord knows my goal is to know God's will when it eventually does come to the question of whether some man is in it or not. As God is faithful, this renewing of my mind will pay off in when that day comes! Amen!
Monday, May 16, 2011
How I Got Here, by M
I’m on a dating fast. For real. I’m on a dating fast of an undetermined length… not less than 6 months, not more (Lord willing) than a year-ish. I’m on a dating fast until I figure out how to be single the right way… and, really, how to date the right way. I am experiencing a mix of denial and terror about this. But, it really needs to happen, and not just for the sake of staying single to keep up the novelty of this blog. So, how did I reach this decision? Let me try to answer how I got here…
I suppose there are a lot of ways to answer that question. I got here because God appointed me to get here long before any of us ever existed. I got here because mom graciously carried two babies in her womb for 8 longggg (as she loves to remind us) months. I got here, to this blog specifically and writing about love and dating specifically, because I’ve taken a long, winding, and (sometimes) unfortunate path through a variety of relationships that have, well… ended. Some better than others.
To start my story, you should know that I spent the great majority of my adolescent years un-involved and un-attached. That’s a nice way of saying that until I hit 18 no one ever liked me. Now, at the time that was a pretty significant reality that burned some ideas into my head that have been hard to undo. Although, looking back, it’s clear that the issue was not that I was totally undesirable, the issue was that my attitude (what I like to call “the vibe”) made me undesirable. I was too busy, too closed off, too wrapped up in my own agenda to be remotely accessible to anyone. W will attest that this included my own family. ANYWAY, the moral of the story is that W spent high school getting more dates and more interest than I did… and I had my first kiss at 17 on the stage of The Music Man during that LONG musical interlude when Marian the Librarian and the Music Man himself meet a final time on the bridge and spend 90% of the instrumental interlude in full-on makeout. I digress.
Shortly after starting my senior year of high school, I finally got a boyfriend, learned how to be vulnerable, experienced my first real kiss at 18, and officially began the phase of my life that we’ll call “the dating years.” Currently I’m about 7 years in, and I can now confidently say that (for better or worse) I have made up for lost time both in the number of months/years I’ve spent in relationships AND the amount of ridiculous drama and happenings I’ve encountered. Frankly, one of the main catalysts for “how I got here” is that after my most recent breakup, enough people told me that I should write a book that I figured… well, why not at least start with a blog? So here I am. Feel free to come along for the ride…
The Flop (yes, that’s his alter-ego) aka the high school boyfriend. The first kiss. The flop itself (I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it’s as floppy and sloppy as it sounds). We “expiration dated” until the very day before we left for college. Lesson learned: no expiration dating.
The Rebound. Twin #1. The longest relationship. The most convenient (we lived on the same floor of the dorm for 2/3 of the relationship). I was dumped on family vacation in Hawaii. Lesson learned: No more twins. Twin + twin = codependence.
The Class Clown. Long-distance relationship #1. 100 days apart on two separate continents. He eventually grew to love my dog more than me. We broke up approximately 91 times. Lesson learned: Break up once… and walk away.
The Narcoleptic. Twin #2 (didn’t I vow to say no to twins?). Long distance relationship #2 (didn’t I know how miserable it is?). Broke up with me by phone in the middle of my very serious job-health-life crisis. Did I mention the secret narcolepsy I discovered 4 months in? Lesson learned: No more long distance relationships.
Mr. Maturity. Good job. “Such a nice guy.” Courtship. Respected him until he let a 30 year-old woman move into his ONE BEDROOM apartment... with him. He didn’t understand why it was a problem for me. (Yes, mom, this really happened. I didn’t tell you because it was just too strange and embarrassing). Lesson learned: Non-committal is non-committal, no matter what you call it.
Those are the big ones… with a few other notable but far less significant “in between” guys, including the B-list Canadian rock star and the one we like to call The Hep (yes, Hep as in Hepatitis). Whew!
So yeah... That’s why I’m on a dating fast. I am spent. I am over it. I feel like I have binged on dating and now it’s time to detox. I hope to accomplish a number of objectives during this fast (which I am sure to talk about in much more detail in forthcoming posts) including:
-being better at making and having friends
-getting buff
-learning to enjoy cooking
-building trust and faith in God’s plan and not my own
-loving myself
-finding satisfaction in God’s love for me
-etc.
We’ll see how it goes. Lord, help me be faithful!
I suppose there are a lot of ways to answer that question. I got here because God appointed me to get here long before any of us ever existed. I got here because mom graciously carried two babies in her womb for 8 longggg (as she loves to remind us) months. I got here, to this blog specifically and writing about love and dating specifically, because I’ve taken a long, winding, and (sometimes) unfortunate path through a variety of relationships that have, well… ended. Some better than others.
To start my story, you should know that I spent the great majority of my adolescent years un-involved and un-attached. That’s a nice way of saying that until I hit 18 no one ever liked me. Now, at the time that was a pretty significant reality that burned some ideas into my head that have been hard to undo. Although, looking back, it’s clear that the issue was not that I was totally undesirable, the issue was that my attitude (what I like to call “the vibe”) made me undesirable. I was too busy, too closed off, too wrapped up in my own agenda to be remotely accessible to anyone. W will attest that this included my own family. ANYWAY, the moral of the story is that W spent high school getting more dates and more interest than I did… and I had my first kiss at 17 on the stage of The Music Man during that LONG musical interlude when Marian the Librarian and the Music Man himself meet a final time on the bridge and spend 90% of the instrumental interlude in full-on makeout. I digress.
Shortly after starting my senior year of high school, I finally got a boyfriend, learned how to be vulnerable, experienced my first real kiss at 18, and officially began the phase of my life that we’ll call “the dating years.” Currently I’m about 7 years in, and I can now confidently say that (for better or worse) I have made up for lost time both in the number of months/years I’ve spent in relationships AND the amount of ridiculous drama and happenings I’ve encountered. Frankly, one of the main catalysts for “how I got here” is that after my most recent breakup, enough people told me that I should write a book that I figured… well, why not at least start with a blog? So here I am. Feel free to come along for the ride…
The Flop (yes, that’s his alter-ego) aka the high school boyfriend. The first kiss. The flop itself (I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it’s as floppy and sloppy as it sounds). We “expiration dated” until the very day before we left for college. Lesson learned: no expiration dating.
The Rebound. Twin #1. The longest relationship. The most convenient (we lived on the same floor of the dorm for 2/3 of the relationship). I was dumped on family vacation in Hawaii. Lesson learned: No more twins. Twin + twin = codependence.
The Class Clown. Long-distance relationship #1. 100 days apart on two separate continents. He eventually grew to love my dog more than me. We broke up approximately 91 times. Lesson learned: Break up once… and walk away.
The Narcoleptic. Twin #2 (didn’t I vow to say no to twins?). Long distance relationship #2 (didn’t I know how miserable it is?). Broke up with me by phone in the middle of my very serious job-health-life crisis. Did I mention the secret narcolepsy I discovered 4 months in? Lesson learned: No more long distance relationships.
Mr. Maturity. Good job. “Such a nice guy.” Courtship. Respected him until he let a 30 year-old woman move into his ONE BEDROOM apartment... with him. He didn’t understand why it was a problem for me. (Yes, mom, this really happened. I didn’t tell you because it was just too strange and embarrassing). Lesson learned: Non-committal is non-committal, no matter what you call it.
Those are the big ones… with a few other notable but far less significant “in between” guys, including the B-list Canadian rock star and the one we like to call The Hep (yes, Hep as in Hepatitis). Whew!
So yeah... That’s why I’m on a dating fast. I am spent. I am over it. I feel like I have binged on dating and now it’s time to detox. I hope to accomplish a number of objectives during this fast (which I am sure to talk about in much more detail in forthcoming posts) including:
-being better at making and having friends
-getting buff
-learning to enjoy cooking
-building trust and faith in God’s plan and not my own
-loving myself
-finding satisfaction in God’s love for me
-etc.
We’ll see how it goes. Lord, help me be faithful!
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