Dressing for Church, by M

A friend asked me recently whether I would date someone who didn’t go to my church. I responded with the following “I’m not limiting myself to just the people who attend my church; if I meet someone at the gas station that qualifies (see post on the dating covenant lol) I’d go for it. That said, the chances of finding said man are exponentially higher at church than they are anywhere else.” Which brings me to the topic of today’s post… dressing for church.

It’s come to my attention recently that dressing for church is a big deal. Like an “I might meet my future hubby today” big deal. What one does or doesn’t wear to church is of utmost importance… it can determine the entire trajectory of your future for better or worse! One must take careful consideration when picking the outfit and accessories, because one wrong move can send the wrong signal to someone who just might be the right person. What to do?!

In my casual observation, I’ve noticed a few different breeds of (presumably single) women that I would like to reference for this point:

1) Ms. Conservative Denomination: There are actually a whole load of subtypes within this type, ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other according to their former orthodoxy. On one end? The skirt-to-the-ankles wearer, who might even don a hat in accordance with I Corinthians 11:5 – “And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head…” On the other end? Slacks and skirts, but never jeans, God forbid. This woman is winning hearts the right way with her “beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” and her fierce dedication to Christian traditionalism. Besides, doesn’t everyone know that denim is the enemy of God?

2) Ms. Modesty: often a close relative of the former type, this one prides herself on out-modestying every other woman in the building. She will not incite lust in any passerby, courtesy of her turtleneck, cardigan, knee-high socks, and/or scarf. Just in case, she avoids lace, prints, cutouts of any kind, and anything else that may be considered an “eye trap” of seduction. She’s not giving herself to any man other than her husband, especially because Jesus said that looking lustfully at a woman is the same as being an adulterer. This one is no home wrecker!

3) Ms. America: this woman is likely new to church and the church scene. She may not be spouting versus from 2 Timothy from memory, but she does know a thing or two about hooking a man. She often forgoes short skirts (great to dance in but difficult when sitting in a pew) but flashes some cleavage just to keep everyone on their toes. She knows she looks better than the stuffy covered-up Betty’s, and banks on the fact all these men experiencing abstinence-induced deprivation will surely notice. If they’re waiting until marriage, they might at least make it worth their while and find a wife with a smoking hot bod, right?

4) Ms. Secretly Seductive: okay, so she knows and mostly agrees with the whole purpose of God’s call to modesty, but she hates feeling like she’s potentially one step away from becoming a potato-sack wearing, soon-to-be cat lady. She does her best to not be overtly seductive, but she throws in a little something here and there just to… suggest… that maybe she’d look “darn” good were she not quite so modest. Favorites of this type include: stilettos, 2+ inches above-the-knee sundresses, colored bra straps, slightly undone hair, and strategically placed accessories. Men can feel comfortable bringing this type home to mom, while also showing her off to their non-Christian friends and getting mostly positive feedback from both. She’s pretty sure that this secretly seductive approach is how Ruth snagged Boaz… and she made it into the lineage of Jesus! Pretty sure that means God approves…

5) Ms. Song of Solomon: this girl knows that she is the bride of Christ and that He thinks there is no flaw in her. She puts almost no thought into what she wears to church, other than the occasional thought about what will look like she’s putting no thought into it. Her makeup is minimal, her hair usually up, and accessories? What accessories? Her heart is so close to God that a man needs to seek Him first in order to find her. Besides, she’s a great pick because she’ll look the same as a 45 year-old soccer mom as she does now… no surprises here!

Each of these types likely ropes in a different kind of God-fearing man. Which to choose?! Of course, we could all just not worry about it and trust God to bring us to the right man, even if we did happen to be wearing a sack cloth (and ashes?) when it happens, but where is the fun in that? What are we supposed to do in that case? Take all of the time we save by not shopping and not straightening our hair and , like, hang with orphans and sing hymns instead? …really?