The Dating Covenant by M

Yesterday, my dear friend E signed a dating covenant. (I know you're reading, E... hope you're okay with the shoutout! ha) Well, pretty much I forced her to create and sign the covenant and she was a really good sport about it. The rest of the small group girls signed it, too, to act as witnesses to make it official. The whole experience was alternately educational and hilarious (what does one include in a dating covenant? "Thou shalt not date douchebags"? Sorry for the language, mom, if you're reading this...)

Seriously though, it was a good exercise and it got me thinking that I could do well to make a dating covenant for myself. And since I have a few (hopefully?) loyal readers on here, I figured that sharing with you all would be a great way to ensure accountability. Now, we just have to settle on what the consequences are for violating the covenant. E was given the fate of joining the few of us who go regularly to watch about 2 dozen rambunctious and aggressive toddlers at a local women's shelter should she break the covenant... Trust me, it's a threat that I believe will not be taken lightly! If you all have any good ideas for consequences for me (no more Oreos? Forced to eat ONIONS!? EEEEK!) let me know!

Okay, so the dating covenant was broken into three sections: unacceptables, non-negotionables, and standards. There may be some overlap here, and I guess that's okay. Here goes:

Unacceptables (Inspired by the exes and horror stories of friends)
1. He cannot look to me to be his strengh
2. He cannot be torn between his family and me
3. He cannot have a raging mental illness (sorry if that makes me a bad person. Been there. Can't do it.)
4. He cannot consistenly choose his friends, job, car, gym habit over me
5. He cannot be dishonest.
6. He cannot cheat.
7. He cannot intentionally surround himself with scantily clad women (photos or otherwise).
8. He cannot be addicted to drugs (including cigarettes) or alcohol.
9. He cannot be secretive, shady, or otherwise evasive.
10. He cannot be a twin. (ha! Really though...)

Non-negotiables
1. He must be a real, active, growing follower of Jesus.
2. He must want kids.
3. He must be honest (both in relation to me, and just as a character trait)
4. He must be kind (to me, to his mother, to wait staff, etc.)
5. He must taller than me (hmmm let's be real, this matters. Although, Jesus could throw me a curveball... who knows?)
6. He must be hard-working.
7. He must be respectful of women.
8. He must be a good communicator.
9. He must have a curious heart (this one's hard to describe... I guess it means that he must like to learn and grow, even if that doesn't necessarily mean through school or reading)
10. He must be "biblically qualified" to be a husband (more on that in an upcoming post!)

Standards (Some of these courtesy of the brilliant book He's Just Not that Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)
1. I will date a man only if he is worthy of being spiritually followed.
2. I will date a man only if he has pursued me.
3. I will date a man only if he prioritizes spending time and getting to know me.
4. I will date a man only if he is sure he wants to date me and talks about it explicitly aka I will not date a man who is non-commital!!
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel undesirable.
6. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
7. I will date only a CLEARLY good, kind, loving, respectable man.
8. I will date a man only if he believes in and is proactive in setting appropriate physical boundaries pre-marriage.
9. I will date a man only if he is honestly approved by my family, close friends, and other godly counsel.
10. I will date a man only after earnest and significant prayer leads me to believe that I should.

That's a lot to think about at one time! I think I will print it out and stick it somewhere visible so that I can internalize it. Can you imagine when I go on a date sometime in the future... what if I busted out this huge list in the bathroom... or worse, at the table!?! haha A new movie: How to lose a guy in 10 minutes! Really though, most of this should be self-explanatory and already internalized. Although, given my track record one could think otherwise. In any case, I think it's good to write it all down and involve people in creating accountability.

In a way, I suppose this doesn't even matter at the moment because it's a dating covenant and I'm not dating. However, something I've been enjoying recently is playing a little game called "the red-flag game" (if I'm feeling judgmental haha) or alternately "the standards game" (if I'm feeling optimistic). It's the same game either way... meet a person, observe their behavior, and decide where they fall on either the red-flag scale or the standards scale. It's fun because I'm not necessarily interested in anyone I'm playing this game with, and it can even be people who are already taken (watchout T! haha JUST KIDDING. That's weird). It's good though because I can recognize traits that I like and don't like about people without being invested in the outcome... it makes for a much more objective reading. I think this covenant will help me get even better at this observation exercise... which, in theory, is refining my "picker" as Patti, the Millionaire Matchmaker, would call it. And, hey, I'm all for not making another stupid choice... so bring on the covenant!