Oh Mega-Church… how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…
1) I love your Sunday evening services. Thank you, mega-church, for granting me the ability to take Sunday as a second glorious day of sleeping in. I appreciate the opportunity to attend church and be wholly awake and alert for the message. I love being able to put forth my best cuteness effort, with more than 10 mere minutes to dress and do my hair. I can beat the rush for Sunday brunch and avoid crying babies and wiggly preschoolers. Love, love, love.
2) I love your worship music. Thank you for providing more than 6 barely-audible hymn singers to surround me. While sometimes the thumping bass resonates through my ribcage, I do enjoy the contemporary lyrics, electric guitar, and occasional fist pumps nonetheless. I like watching the diversity of worship – the fall-to-your-knees, charismatic former Pentecostals, the barely-moves and barely-sings former Catholic, the hands-in-the-air-wave-em-like-you-just-don’t-care born again. There truly is a place for everyone, and it’s loud enough that even the worst American Idol wanna-bes can’t really be heard. It’s just perfect.
3) I love your relevance. Dear mega-church… thank you for taking context into consideration. I love that you make God’s word as living and breathing as Jesus promises it to be. You do an admirable job of walking the line between fostering conviction and alienating non-believers. Even if you do claim to be non-partisan, I appreciate your secretly deliberate clues regarding political affiliation. Your use of hip and modern phrases like "DTR" and "Rock of Love" is charming. Thank you for this.
4) I love your elaborate set pieces and props. Honestly, who doesn’t want their mega-church jumbo-trons flanked by life-sized goal posts? The treadmill, the 20 pounds of skittles, the live camels… it all really helps drive home the life-or-death seriousness that is your eternal destiny. A special shout-out to designers of the worship music power points… I’m never more inspired than when I’m singing to Jesus and watching quiet streams flow through the wood, doves soaring over the faintest rainbows, or fields of wheat blowing gently in the breeze. Your creativity never ceases to amaze me.
5) Most of all, I love your singles ministry. Where else can I find such an assortment of attractive, single Jesus-loving men? The answer: absolutely nowhere, this side of Heaven. I reluctantly appreciate your "guidelines" for single male-female interaction, which closely resemble those of a middle-school dance. I trust that this is God’s best of us, even if we are full-grown adults, mostly capable of righteous decision-making without a curfew or a dress code. I will take your awkwardness and forced mingling and run with it… how else may I expect to meet a nice man? Wait for him to approach me as I strut gracefully towards the communion elements? That has yet to happen. As such, I love that you give us mostly attractive and yet somewhat desperate single adults a place to call home. I pray that I won’t lean on you forever.
In conclusion, mega-church, thank you for what you do. Thank you for your larger-than-life approach to winning souls for Jesus. I’m with ya… and so is 30% of my monthly tithe. Because, really, I don’t want the rest going towards unicycles and ping pong tables. Although, I do appreciate both. Really.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Justice vs. Revenge
So I have to be honest here-- as usual I'm ripping off the concept of this post from an older, wiser Christian. In fact, if you scan back through our blog, most of what M and I say is simply our perspective on what someone else has said. We read a lot, listen to a lot of podcasts and sermons, subscribe to a lot of blogs, and as such, we come into contact with a lot of pieces of insight that rock our worlds. Should you think that what you read here comes from our own strokes of spiritual genius, you are wrong. I think we are pretty good at being upfront about the original source of the content. Today's post stems from a message I heard on Sunday at church from our lead pastor, Bill Hybels.
With it being the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, (and also our 25th birthday, but that's not quite as relevant), Bill spent his message reminding us of the tragedy, asking us how it has impacted our lives and faiths, and questioning if we treated those who practice Islam, in the time immediately following the attacks, with the grace and love that Christ calls us to.
In this vein, Bill brought up a point that stopped me in my tracks. He asked if, in our patriotism, we had desired to seek justice for those who committed these crimes, or if instead we desired to seek revenge.
Here's a quick synopsis from dictionary.com:
Justice is the principle that punishment should be proportionate to the offense-- it includes righteousness, equitableness, and moral rightness.
Revenge is to exact punishment-- it's an opportunity to retaliate and gain satisfaction.
When I look at these two definitions, sometimes they look similar to me and sometimes they don't. I believe if I were not a Christian, justice would be synonymous with revenge more often than not. Considering the scope of this tragedy in particular, the idea that the punishment should be proportionate to the offense seems obvious—if one man orchestrated the deaths of thousands of our people, aren’t we entitled to kill a few thousands of his? And if this was the case around 9/12/01, I believe that more than a few people would feel satisfied by that turn of events.
But then I remember the Bible. Revenge means “an eye for an eye.” Justice means “turn the other cheek and believe that the Lord, who is just, will provide the punishment.”
When I think about it like this, I am incredibly proud of our military and Seal Team Six for acting with justice, not revenge, in the killing of Bin Laden. By giving him a proper Muslim burial and by not exposing the photographs of his body, our military acted in moral rightness while also honoring what is just—those that kill others may justly be killed. Justice is killing Bin Laden for his crime. Revenge is killing, harming, or discriminating against Muslims simply because they may or may not believe in radical Islam, look like, or live near Bin Laden. I think we have walked a fine line after 9/11 between our desire for justice and revenge, and I do not believe that we, as Christians, always took the high road.
Extrapolating on this concept beyond our current state of international affairs, I think finding the difference between justice and revenge is crucial in order to sustain our relationships, and the key is to try to separate our emotional response from the reality of a situation. In our relationships,
Justice says, “I will allow you to suffer the natural consequences of your choices.”
Revenge says, “I will make you feel bad when you make me feel bad.”
See the difference?
It’s easy to turn to revenge when someone hurts us. We want them to feel hurt too. We want them to pay for their actions. We want to feel better and gain satisfaction out of their misery. For example,
Justice says, “If you are constantly late to dinner, I am going to start without you because I will not partake of lukewarm food simply due to your irresponsibility.”
Revenge says, “If you are late one more time, I am going to wait until you get home and then dump your portion in the trash right in front of you the second you walk in the door.”
The revenge scenario seems extreme and even comical, but how often do we actually do stuff like this in our relationships? All the time! If we’re not careful, it’s incredibly easy to blur the line between boundaries and irrational consequences; between justice and revenge.
For some reason this post has been difficult for me to write. Not in an emotional sense, but rather that my thoughts aren’t flowing neatly as I’d like.
Basically, the idea is that we can ruin our lives by believing that we know the right way to make someone pay for actions that we deem unacceptable. As Christians, it is our job to act with justice (the Lord does not call us to be doormats—He has not given us spirits of timidity!), and to stand on the side of mercy instead of punishment, and grace instead of revenge. We must believe that our God, who is just, is correct when He instructs us not to repay evil for evil.
So, my charge for you today is to watch carefully what stirs in your heart when you feel hurt, betrayed, or angry. Are your actions seeking justice or revenge? Are your desires following after Christ or after the world?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The Design of Diversity, by M
This post is going to be a little bit of an addendum to my previous blog about finding a "biblically-qualified" spouse. So, if you haven't read that one... maybe you should!
Here's the thing: I'm pretty sure those of us who are not married, or not yet in a serious-to-the-point-of-probable-marriage relationship, spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about who it is that we will eventually marry. We make lists of what qualities they will and won't have, we mentally note all of the cute things that men in the moies do that we hope they will do, and we watch and scrunitize all other men (taken or not, married or not) and keep a mental tally of what we hope for and what we certainly wish to avoid. Let's be honest, it totally happens... a lot.
And so, we take all of this time, and lists, and hopes, and tallies, and dreams, and desires, and we make a nice little mental file that we label "husband!" and it all seems well and good. Those of us who are Christian women also make very sure that all of those biblical qualifications are snugly situated in the file, and all of those secret-warning-signs-that-tell-you-he's-not-really-a-Christian-even-when-he-might-say-that-he-is are left very much OUT of it. And then we wait, and we look, and we try to be patient, and we keep our eyes peeled... and we wait some more, and we look some more and we think that one day we'll stumble upon someone who just fits perfectly into the little husband mold that we've built for ourselves. And then we'll know that it's the right one because it just fits... like magic! Like God designed it!
-----
Okay, so I went to this meeting at church on Friday and I heard a statement that has kind of haunted me all weekend. And it wasn't even intended to speak at all to this issue of who ends up as our husbands and who doesn't... but I can't get it out of my head, and I can't stop thinking about how it pertains to this. Maybe that means it's something worth paying attention to? The statement was this:
We tend to see others as flawed versions of ourselves.
Think about it. It's true. We have conflict with the people who are most unlike us because we literally cannot figure out why they just can't get it together and start thinking the way we think and being the way we are. We rarely value difference... In fact, perhaps the only time we readily value it is when it directly benefits us. Think about it. Pretty much every other time we find difference to be frustrating, annoying, bothersome, etc. That's not much middle ground; either it's fine because we're benefitting, or it's impossible because we're not.
So then this leads us to another thought, which is this:
We tend to value people and traits more highly that are the most like us.
Again, we all totally do this. Of course, we think that we were all designed and/or raised the "right way" and that the things that come easily to us do (or should) come easily to others. It's so very difficult to understand how something so natural as our gifts should be challenging for someone else to master. So, we tend to gravitate towards people who share our gifts, and we also tend to value those people more highly than others.
Here's the rub, though. In doing this... in gravitating towards people like us... we align ourselves with people who not only have the same strengths, but who also have the same brokenness. I like the word brokenness here better than the more conventional word "weakness." Because let's be honest, two people with two equally weak legs can still run a race, albeit slowly. Two people with equally broken legs. Um, no. Not at all. The Bible makes it clear that we are all broken... not simply weak.
So, God in His great wisdom and mercy designs diversity to solve this problem. If one person has a broken foot and one person has a broken nose, they can complete that race, certainly. It won't be pretty, but that's the nature of the fall, right? This is not news to us; God tells us throughout the Bible that His design is diversity and that diversity is intended to grow us, help us, complete us (in some ways), and strengthen us (1 Corinthians 12). We know this. Woo hoo! It's all good!
But really, here's the thing that's been haunting me about it. I have made my little mental husband mold out of traits and characteristics that I value. Which means that I've crafted my future husband to be made up of all the same ingredients that I am... Which means that I've been potentially setting myself up to run the most important race there is with two broken legs. And let me tell you what... I have found men like this, and they just fit so nicely into the mold I had in my head... and the race was ROUGH. And the race ended with far more broken bones than we started with... both of us limping away in opposite directions. Why am I surprised? And why do I continue to think that it will work the next time, even though I refuse to change the formula?
The thought of throwing out the list, the tallies, the expectations, the hopes, etc terrifies me. Yet, it's becoming ever clear that my own mind and heart is not to be trusted in truly knowing what is best for me. So what am I left with? What are we left with?
1) Accepting possibilities
2) Preparing for curveballs
3) Praying, praying, praying, praying.
...and not praying that God will give us just what we want. I'm talking, praying, praying, praying about whether the one we have (now, maybe, or in the future, God-willing) might just be the one He wants... even if it doesn't look like we expected.
Here's the thing: I'm pretty sure those of us who are not married, or not yet in a serious-to-the-point-of-probable-marriage relationship, spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about who it is that we will eventually marry. We make lists of what qualities they will and won't have, we mentally note all of the cute things that men in the moies do that we hope they will do, and we watch and scrunitize all other men (taken or not, married or not) and keep a mental tally of what we hope for and what we certainly wish to avoid. Let's be honest, it totally happens... a lot.
And so, we take all of this time, and lists, and hopes, and tallies, and dreams, and desires, and we make a nice little mental file that we label "husband!" and it all seems well and good. Those of us who are Christian women also make very sure that all of those biblical qualifications are snugly situated in the file, and all of those secret-warning-signs-that-tell-you-he's-not-really-a-Christian-even-when-he-might-say-that-he-is are left very much OUT of it. And then we wait, and we look, and we try to be patient, and we keep our eyes peeled... and we wait some more, and we look some more and we think that one day we'll stumble upon someone who just fits perfectly into the little husband mold that we've built for ourselves. And then we'll know that it's the right one because it just fits... like magic! Like God designed it!
-----
Okay, so I went to this meeting at church on Friday and I heard a statement that has kind of haunted me all weekend. And it wasn't even intended to speak at all to this issue of who ends up as our husbands and who doesn't... but I can't get it out of my head, and I can't stop thinking about how it pertains to this. Maybe that means it's something worth paying attention to? The statement was this:
We tend to see others as flawed versions of ourselves.
Think about it. It's true. We have conflict with the people who are most unlike us because we literally cannot figure out why they just can't get it together and start thinking the way we think and being the way we are. We rarely value difference... In fact, perhaps the only time we readily value it is when it directly benefits us. Think about it. Pretty much every other time we find difference to be frustrating, annoying, bothersome, etc. That's not much middle ground; either it's fine because we're benefitting, or it's impossible because we're not.
So then this leads us to another thought, which is this:
We tend to value people and traits more highly that are the most like us.
Again, we all totally do this. Of course, we think that we were all designed and/or raised the "right way" and that the things that come easily to us do (or should) come easily to others. It's so very difficult to understand how something so natural as our gifts should be challenging for someone else to master. So, we tend to gravitate towards people who share our gifts, and we also tend to value those people more highly than others.
Here's the rub, though. In doing this... in gravitating towards people like us... we align ourselves with people who not only have the same strengths, but who also have the same brokenness. I like the word brokenness here better than the more conventional word "weakness." Because let's be honest, two people with two equally weak legs can still run a race, albeit slowly. Two people with equally broken legs. Um, no. Not at all. The Bible makes it clear that we are all broken... not simply weak.
So, God in His great wisdom and mercy designs diversity to solve this problem. If one person has a broken foot and one person has a broken nose, they can complete that race, certainly. It won't be pretty, but that's the nature of the fall, right? This is not news to us; God tells us throughout the Bible that His design is diversity and that diversity is intended to grow us, help us, complete us (in some ways), and strengthen us (1 Corinthians 12). We know this. Woo hoo! It's all good!
But really, here's the thing that's been haunting me about it. I have made my little mental husband mold out of traits and characteristics that I value. Which means that I've crafted my future husband to be made up of all the same ingredients that I am... Which means that I've been potentially setting myself up to run the most important race there is with two broken legs. And let me tell you what... I have found men like this, and they just fit so nicely into the mold I had in my head... and the race was ROUGH. And the race ended with far more broken bones than we started with... both of us limping away in opposite directions. Why am I surprised? And why do I continue to think that it will work the next time, even though I refuse to change the formula?
The thought of throwing out the list, the tallies, the expectations, the hopes, etc terrifies me. Yet, it's becoming ever clear that my own mind and heart is not to be trusted in truly knowing what is best for me. So what am I left with? What are we left with?
1) Accepting possibilities
2) Preparing for curveballs
3) Praying, praying, praying, praying.
...and not praying that God will give us just what we want. I'm talking, praying, praying, praying about whether the one we have (now, maybe, or in the future, God-willing) might just be the one He wants... even if it doesn't look like we expected.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Conditional Vows?
W here! I first want to encourage you to go back and read the post before my last one. M wrote a FANTASTIC post about being "Bibically-qualified" for marriage and for some reason it got posted before my "wednesday psych lesson" even though she wrote it after. If you haven't already, please check it out! It's one of my favorites that she's written.
Back to the topic at hand. Conditional vows. I've been thinking about this a bit recently, as T and I just attended our 5th wedding of the summer this past weekend. As such, I have been inundated with vows. One of the best things about going to a wedding as a married couple is that you are reminded of exactly how you felt and exactly what you promised to God and to your own spouse when you got married.
Most of you probably know what the promises are...to love and cherish one another regardless of circumstance (in sickness and health, in plenty or want, for better or worse). T and I added some additional promises:
I take you to be my wife/husband, my partner in life, and my one true love. I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever. I will trust you and honor you, I will laugh with you and cry with you. I will love you faithfully through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy. What may come I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold so I give you my life to keep-- so help me God.
The vows are pretty clear. I will be faithful. I will trust you. I will value our friendship. I will always be your wife.
The underlying commitment, then, is my promise to T that NOTHING will ever prevent me from following through in these ways. This is unconditional commitment, and this is what is intended for marriage.
This all seems pretty straight forward until I start thinking about the "exit ramps" that our society has created for leaving marriage. Examples include:
-A cheating spouse
-An abusive spouse
-An addicted spouse
-A spouse who leaves you first
-A spouse who has broken his or her vows
Given any of these circumstances, it is not only acceptable but often encouraged that a person leave a marriage. And when I look at this list, I completely understand. There is no part of me that would ever want a person facing an abusive or addicted spouse to stick around in a dangerous situation.
But what this means is that our vows ARE conditional. What we are committing to is not, "I promise these things regardless of circumstance," but rather "I promise these things for as long as you follow through with your end of the deal."
And this is dangerous thinking. We can see in our society how these "exit ramps" created for extreme cases are exploited to justify divorces that result out of diverging passions, irreconcilable differences, and the assumption that something better must be out there.
I know that I have only been married for two months, and that marriage is complex and challenging in a way that I cannot yet understand. But, I have been married long enough to know that if I hold up my vows only as long as T does, we are screwed from the start. We are sinful people who are bound to make mistakes along the way. Hopefully they'll be minor (maybe an infraction in honoring each other rather than a slip-up in faithfulness, for example), but I simply cannot assume that if T makes a mistake, it gives me permission to do the same. Our commitment must be SO unconditional that we commit to each other even if we break the vows themselves.
I don't really have an answer to this weighty topic. My thoughts range from, "Where do we draw the line?" to "How do we protect those who need it without undermining the gravity of a marriage commitment?" and "How would you even continue to love someone unconditionally if they have not done the same for you?"
I think the most promising answer comes from looking to the Lord and the example that He has set forth in Christ-- a gift of grace (received freely even though we did and do not deserve it) with a promise that we can NEVER do ANYTHING that will make the Lord stop loving us.
This is why we strive to love our spouses like Christ loved the church-- so that we can say, with the power of perfect grace residing in us, that there is NOTHING that our spouse can EVER do that will prevent us from loving them. And this means that we love them even if they do not love us, and we keep our vows even if they do not hold up their own, because this is the example that the Lord has set.
So, how do we reconcile this fact with the reality of abuse of and infidelity? How do we keep ourselves from adopting an "I'm in if you're in" attitude toward marriage? What do you think?
Back to the topic at hand. Conditional vows. I've been thinking about this a bit recently, as T and I just attended our 5th wedding of the summer this past weekend. As such, I have been inundated with vows. One of the best things about going to a wedding as a married couple is that you are reminded of exactly how you felt and exactly what you promised to God and to your own spouse when you got married.
Most of you probably know what the promises are...to love and cherish one another regardless of circumstance (in sickness and health, in plenty or want, for better or worse). T and I added some additional promises:
I take you to be my wife/husband, my partner in life, and my one true love. I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever. I will trust you and honor you, I will laugh with you and cry with you. I will love you faithfully through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy. What may come I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold so I give you my life to keep-- so help me God.
The vows are pretty clear. I will be faithful. I will trust you. I will value our friendship. I will always be your wife.
The underlying commitment, then, is my promise to T that NOTHING will ever prevent me from following through in these ways. This is unconditional commitment, and this is what is intended for marriage.
This all seems pretty straight forward until I start thinking about the "exit ramps" that our society has created for leaving marriage. Examples include:
-A cheating spouse
-An abusive spouse
-An addicted spouse
-A spouse who leaves you first
-A spouse who has broken his or her vows
Given any of these circumstances, it is not only acceptable but often encouraged that a person leave a marriage. And when I look at this list, I completely understand. There is no part of me that would ever want a person facing an abusive or addicted spouse to stick around in a dangerous situation.
But what this means is that our vows ARE conditional. What we are committing to is not, "I promise these things regardless of circumstance," but rather "I promise these things for as long as you follow through with your end of the deal."
And this is dangerous thinking. We can see in our society how these "exit ramps" created for extreme cases are exploited to justify divorces that result out of diverging passions, irreconcilable differences, and the assumption that something better must be out there.
I know that I have only been married for two months, and that marriage is complex and challenging in a way that I cannot yet understand. But, I have been married long enough to know that if I hold up my vows only as long as T does, we are screwed from the start. We are sinful people who are bound to make mistakes along the way. Hopefully they'll be minor (maybe an infraction in honoring each other rather than a slip-up in faithfulness, for example), but I simply cannot assume that if T makes a mistake, it gives me permission to do the same. Our commitment must be SO unconditional that we commit to each other even if we break the vows themselves.
I don't really have an answer to this weighty topic. My thoughts range from, "Where do we draw the line?" to "How do we protect those who need it without undermining the gravity of a marriage commitment?" and "How would you even continue to love someone unconditionally if they have not done the same for you?"
I think the most promising answer comes from looking to the Lord and the example that He has set forth in Christ-- a gift of grace (received freely even though we did and do not deserve it) with a promise that we can NEVER do ANYTHING that will make the Lord stop loving us.
This is why we strive to love our spouses like Christ loved the church-- so that we can say, with the power of perfect grace residing in us, that there is NOTHING that our spouse can EVER do that will prevent us from loving them. And this means that we love them even if they do not love us, and we keep our vows even if they do not hold up their own, because this is the example that the Lord has set.
So, how do we reconcile this fact with the reality of abuse of and infidelity? How do we keep ourselves from adopting an "I'm in if you're in" attitude toward marriage? What do you think?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Your Wednesday Psychology Lesson
Well friends, I (W) have been waiting for a while to post this one. Mostly because I am 1) not a psychologist and 2) unable to take my own advice. But, in the hope that by writing it out here I will be better able to monitor my own mental and psychological actions in addition to giving you some food for thought about your own, here we go.
STERBs
What's that funny little word I just wrote?
STERBs. It stands for "Short-Term Energy Releasing Behaviors." I learned about it in a book called the Grief Recovery Handbook that a counselor once suggested to me and that I, lover of self-help books that I am, actually read. We all have them-- these STERBs-- whether we admit it or not. Some are relatively benign while others can consume our whole lives. And all STERBs distract us from finding contentment in Him who has promised peace which surpasses all understanding.
So, what is a STERB? A STERB is any activity that you partake in to help relieve energy-- particularly negative, anxious energy. It's that action you take when you feel bad inside because you are stressed, lonely, nervous, bored, mad, or sad. It is what you turn to for comfort, albeit short-lived, when you want to make yourself feel better.
I have a long list of STERBs. I think it comes from being a more high-strung person than normal. While my STERBs are not of the life-threatening or relationship-threatening variety (think gambling, substance abuse, porn addition, etc), they are no less serious in the sense that they reveal the same deeply-held beliefs as those with more "critical" afflictions.
Depending on my mood, I will partake in the following behaviors to help ease anxiety:
-Picking at the skin on my face
-Eating when I'm not hungry, or eating poorly in general (particularly sugary foods...okay... nutella)
-Idling on facebook/blogs/trash websites (I'm looking at you, www.failblog.org)
-Watching strange documentaries and horrible reality tv
-Compulsively filing my nails
-Cleaning
Now, in moderation, any of these activities are not bad. It's okay to pop a pimple and then eat candy while surfing facebook and watching Toddlers and Tiaras in the background. And it's certainly okay to clean-up afterwards.
What is not okay is to do these activities because you feel bad, and because you secretly think (even after years that prove otherwise) that they will make you feel better. Because they never, EVER do. More often than not, I end up feeling worse than before because my face which looked decent is covered in red spots, I wasted a bunch of time, I'm aware of how completely unclean everything typically is and I feel like my teeth are going to rot. Oh, and that everyone else in the world is more popular than me and has a better job than me and is having more fun than me. Thanks, Facebook!
But I continue to do these things, these STERBs. Because I think they are going to make me feel more in control, or feel better about my life in comparison to others, or at least make me feel like others are as miserable as I am. But I NEVER, EVER feel better afterwards. Hence the "short-term" part of STERBs. The relief lasts only as long as I am engaging in the behavior, and then afterwards comes the guilt and shame of making the wrong choice yet again.
The reason why I never feel better after doing these things is because nothing can bring us true fulfillment and joy outside of the Lord. And when we look to these routine behaviors instead of turning to Him, we shut ourselves off from the healing, contentment, and peace that He wants to give us. He says, "I'd like to help," and we reply, "Actually, I think watching 3 hours of reality tv will make me feel better than You can make me feel."
When we put it like this, doesn't it seem ridiculous? As Christians, we have given up the belief that we can ultimately save ourselves, so why do we still believe that we can soothe ourselves and heal ourselves? We can only cope successfully if we turn away from our placeholders for God and give him the space to do what He does best-- love us with compassionate, merciful love.
My challenge for you today is to think about the actions you are taking, especially if you have a sneaking suspicion that your motives are not correct. Think:
-Why am I engaging in this behavior?
-What am I hoping to get out of it?
-Is what I'm hoping to get something that ultimately needs to come from the Lord?
And then pray. Ask Him for forgiveness that you have made an idol of your STERB to take His place in this area of your life. Ask Him to give you peace, or reassurance, or a sense of control, or whatever it is you are seeking. And finally, ditch the guilt and shame and revel in the fact that you now have more time to dedicate to something more worthwhile than your STERB.
Whew! And that folks, is your Wednesday psychology lesson.
STERBs
What's that funny little word I just wrote?
STERBs. It stands for "Short-Term Energy Releasing Behaviors." I learned about it in a book called the Grief Recovery Handbook that a counselor once suggested to me and that I, lover of self-help books that I am, actually read. We all have them-- these STERBs-- whether we admit it or not. Some are relatively benign while others can consume our whole lives. And all STERBs distract us from finding contentment in Him who has promised peace which surpasses all understanding.
So, what is a STERB? A STERB is any activity that you partake in to help relieve energy-- particularly negative, anxious energy. It's that action you take when you feel bad inside because you are stressed, lonely, nervous, bored, mad, or sad. It is what you turn to for comfort, albeit short-lived, when you want to make yourself feel better.
I have a long list of STERBs. I think it comes from being a more high-strung person than normal. While my STERBs are not of the life-threatening or relationship-threatening variety (think gambling, substance abuse, porn addition, etc), they are no less serious in the sense that they reveal the same deeply-held beliefs as those with more "critical" afflictions.
Depending on my mood, I will partake in the following behaviors to help ease anxiety:
-Picking at the skin on my face
-Eating when I'm not hungry, or eating poorly in general (particularly sugary foods...okay... nutella)
-Idling on facebook/blogs/trash websites (I'm looking at you, www.failblog.org)
-Watching strange documentaries and horrible reality tv
-Compulsively filing my nails
-Cleaning
Now, in moderation, any of these activities are not bad. It's okay to pop a pimple and then eat candy while surfing facebook and watching Toddlers and Tiaras in the background. And it's certainly okay to clean-up afterwards.
What is not okay is to do these activities because you feel bad, and because you secretly think (even after years that prove otherwise) that they will make you feel better. Because they never, EVER do. More often than not, I end up feeling worse than before because my face which looked decent is covered in red spots, I wasted a bunch of time, I'm aware of how completely unclean everything typically is and I feel like my teeth are going to rot. Oh, and that everyone else in the world is more popular than me and has a better job than me and is having more fun than me. Thanks, Facebook!
But I continue to do these things, these STERBs. Because I think they are going to make me feel more in control, or feel better about my life in comparison to others, or at least make me feel like others are as miserable as I am. But I NEVER, EVER feel better afterwards. Hence the "short-term" part of STERBs. The relief lasts only as long as I am engaging in the behavior, and then afterwards comes the guilt and shame of making the wrong choice yet again.
The reason why I never feel better after doing these things is because nothing can bring us true fulfillment and joy outside of the Lord. And when we look to these routine behaviors instead of turning to Him, we shut ourselves off from the healing, contentment, and peace that He wants to give us. He says, "I'd like to help," and we reply, "Actually, I think watching 3 hours of reality tv will make me feel better than You can make me feel."
When we put it like this, doesn't it seem ridiculous? As Christians, we have given up the belief that we can ultimately save ourselves, so why do we still believe that we can soothe ourselves and heal ourselves? We can only cope successfully if we turn away from our placeholders for God and give him the space to do what He does best-- love us with compassionate, merciful love.
My challenge for you today is to think about the actions you are taking, especially if you have a sneaking suspicion that your motives are not correct. Think:
-Why am I engaging in this behavior?
-What am I hoping to get out of it?
-Is what I'm hoping to get something that ultimately needs to come from the Lord?
And then pray. Ask Him for forgiveness that you have made an idol of your STERB to take His place in this area of your life. Ask Him to give you peace, or reassurance, or a sense of control, or whatever it is you are seeking. And finally, ditch the guilt and shame and revel in the fact that you now have more time to dedicate to something more worthwhile than your STERB.
Whew! And that folks, is your Wednesday psychology lesson.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
A "Biblically Qualified" Spouse, by M
The other day I went back and read through some of these blog posts. Can I just say that I love journaling and blogging? I know it's not everyone's thing... but I just love getting thoughts out of my head and onto paper(?). I feel like I can breathe easier when things are put out there and not flying through my brain at lightening speed. I'm always fascinated when I can go back and read my journals from months and years past... it's so funny to be reminded of what was going on at that time and how I felt about it. Something that strikes me when I go back and reread is how strong my faith always seems. I guess in-the-moment it always seems like a meager attempt, and then looking back I find myself consistently impressed by it. I think that's just the nature of faith... "if you had faith like a mustard seed"... It's all that it takes!
Anyway, I recently reread my previous post about the "dating covenant," and it was good stuff! Although, I discovered that I had said that I would mention the idea of being "biblically qualified" for marriage in a future post... and turns out I never did. Oops! So, ladies and gentlemen (I'm pretty sure no gentlemen read this, but you never know...) here it is!
I came across this idea of being a "biblically qualified" spouse when I was reading through an online resource of Christian dating articles called "The Single Guy's Guide to Marrying Well." Now, of course I wanted to read through that! I had to know what all of these Christian marriage experts were saying about how to choose the right woman! Maybe it would teach me how to be the right woman!? So, I read through the entire thing in like one afternoon and much of it was thought-provoking and interesting. In fact, I found it, on the whole, to be far more interesting than "The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying Well." Maybe I'm just tired of the same old message that the church sends single women? Anyway, I digress. You can access one or both of the guides by visiting www.boundless.org and then you can make a decision for yourself!
Okay, so as I was skimming the articles, I came across one that was cleverly titled "Stop Test-Driving your Girlfriend." Ah ha! Perfect! Teach me, o article of wisdom, what is the key to avoiding being a "test drive" and instead being the keeper! Yes! As I anticipated, it was full of nuggets of wisdom... perhaps the most significant being the idea of "biblical qualification." See the gist of the article was this...
God has a purpose for marriage. God has a plan for you. God wants you to date someone who is qualified for that purpose... and He likely doesn't care about the rest of your "perfect spouse" laundry list, which is likely irrelevant.
But what about the fact that my husband must be over 6 feet tall? What about my childhood dream of marrying a firefighter?! How am I ever going to have green-eyed children if both my husband and I have brown!? Ahhhh! I thought that God grants the desires of our hearts!?!?!
Well, no... not according to the article. It argued that the problem with the way many Christian singles view marriage is that it's consumerist. It's "what can God do for me?"... It's "let me take my laundry list to God and then He'll serve me and give me what I want." That's a problem. The design is for us to serve God... for marriage to serve God. Why do we think it will work the other way around?
So, the article argues that we need to change the way we think about dating for marriage, and that starts with asking the right questions. It starts with NOT asking "is this person right for me?" (again, since it's not all about us) and instead asking "is this person biblically qualified?" Meaning... would God approve of this person for my marriage? You see, the terrifying thing is that God sets out shockingly few qualifications for marriage material. They are important... but few. Which leads us to believe that if a person satisfies these few, perhaps it matters not to God where they fall on anything else. Perhaps this means we're destined to be with a 5'4" non-firefighting hazel-eyed man. Who knows?
Now, how do we tell if someone is biblically qualified? Well, look to the Bible! Or, even easier, peruse the following list and treat yourself to some serious honesty:
For you:
1) Are you thinking like a servant or like a consumer?
2) Do you have a proper understanding of God's design for marriage?
3) Does your relationship with Christ define your life and actions?
4) Are you biblically qualified?
For him or her:
1) Does s/he radiate true godliness and internal beauty?
2) Generally speaking, will you be able to serve God better together than apart?
3) Do you desire to fulfill the biblical role of a husband or wife with this person, as outlined in scripture?
4) Does this relationship spur you on in your Christian discipleship, or does it dull and distract your interest in the Lord and His people? Are you more or less eager to study God's Word, pray and give yourself in service as a result of time spent together?
5) Do you think s/he will make a good discipler of your children?
6) What do other mature Christian friends and family members say about your relationship? Do they see a relationship that is spiritually solid and God-glorifying?
And that, my friends, is what it's all about. And if that's all that God cares about, then I'm pretty sure that's all that we're supposed to care about. Scary! But, in the end, we'd rather have a marriage with someone who satisfies these things, than with someone who satisfies our silly list of superficials... I mean, right?
Anyway, I recently reread my previous post about the "dating covenant," and it was good stuff! Although, I discovered that I had said that I would mention the idea of being "biblically qualified" for marriage in a future post... and turns out I never did. Oops! So, ladies and gentlemen (I'm pretty sure no gentlemen read this, but you never know...) here it is!
I came across this idea of being a "biblically qualified" spouse when I was reading through an online resource of Christian dating articles called "The Single Guy's Guide to Marrying Well." Now, of course I wanted to read through that! I had to know what all of these Christian marriage experts were saying about how to choose the right woman! Maybe it would teach me how to be the right woman!? So, I read through the entire thing in like one afternoon and much of it was thought-provoking and interesting. In fact, I found it, on the whole, to be far more interesting than "The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying Well." Maybe I'm just tired of the same old message that the church sends single women? Anyway, I digress. You can access one or both of the guides by visiting www.boundless.org and then you can make a decision for yourself!
Okay, so as I was skimming the articles, I came across one that was cleverly titled "Stop Test-Driving your Girlfriend." Ah ha! Perfect! Teach me, o article of wisdom, what is the key to avoiding being a "test drive" and instead being the keeper! Yes! As I anticipated, it was full of nuggets of wisdom... perhaps the most significant being the idea of "biblical qualification." See the gist of the article was this...
God has a purpose for marriage. God has a plan for you. God wants you to date someone who is qualified for that purpose... and He likely doesn't care about the rest of your "perfect spouse" laundry list, which is likely irrelevant.
But what about the fact that my husband must be over 6 feet tall? What about my childhood dream of marrying a firefighter?! How am I ever going to have green-eyed children if both my husband and I have brown!? Ahhhh! I thought that God grants the desires of our hearts!?!?!
Well, no... not according to the article. It argued that the problem with the way many Christian singles view marriage is that it's consumerist. It's "what can God do for me?"... It's "let me take my laundry list to God and then He'll serve me and give me what I want." That's a problem. The design is for us to serve God... for marriage to serve God. Why do we think it will work the other way around?
So, the article argues that we need to change the way we think about dating for marriage, and that starts with asking the right questions. It starts with NOT asking "is this person right for me?" (again, since it's not all about us) and instead asking "is this person biblically qualified?" Meaning... would God approve of this person for my marriage? You see, the terrifying thing is that God sets out shockingly few qualifications for marriage material. They are important... but few. Which leads us to believe that if a person satisfies these few, perhaps it matters not to God where they fall on anything else. Perhaps this means we're destined to be with a 5'4" non-firefighting hazel-eyed man. Who knows?
Now, how do we tell if someone is biblically qualified? Well, look to the Bible! Or, even easier, peruse the following list and treat yourself to some serious honesty:
For you:
1) Are you thinking like a servant or like a consumer?
2) Do you have a proper understanding of God's design for marriage?
3) Does your relationship with Christ define your life and actions?
4) Are you biblically qualified?
For him or her:
1) Does s/he radiate true godliness and internal beauty?
2) Generally speaking, will you be able to serve God better together than apart?
3) Do you desire to fulfill the biblical role of a husband or wife with this person, as outlined in scripture?
4) Does this relationship spur you on in your Christian discipleship, or does it dull and distract your interest in the Lord and His people? Are you more or less eager to study God's Word, pray and give yourself in service as a result of time spent together?
5) Do you think s/he will make a good discipler of your children?
6) What do other mature Christian friends and family members say about your relationship? Do they see a relationship that is spiritually solid and God-glorifying?
And that, my friends, is what it's all about. And if that's all that God cares about, then I'm pretty sure that's all that we're supposed to care about. Scary! But, in the end, we'd rather have a marriage with someone who satisfies these things, than with someone who satisfies our silly list of superficials... I mean, right?
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Random Thoughts about Living with a Man
I, W, have been talking to M, my mom, my friends, and pretty much anyone who will listen recently at how strange it is to be living with T. Not because of who he is, or because of any strange habits that he may or may not possess, but because he is a GUY.
I don't know if any of you out there have ever lived with a man, but it is a very weird phenomenon.
I have had lots of roommates over the years. 11 to be exact-- not including my first and longest-lasting roommate and wombmate (get it!?) M. Each of my roommates had their own quirks, and I have enjoyed living with most of them and have learned a lot through each of them. My roommates have been snorers and insomniacs, writers and engineers, bakers and take-out orderers, cleaners and potential future hoarders, social butterflies and introverts... I've experienced the roommate continuum from end to end.
But, until about a month ago, I had never had a roommate who was of the Y-chromosome variety, and that has been an interesting experience indeed. Note: these thoughts are not disparage my new husband or call him out on weird habits. Instead, they are only meant to highlight some of the differences between us that I think other wives or girlfriends may recognize and sympathize with. I also recognize that these traits may be shared by XX-chromosome friends, and in that case, I probably would have thought it just as strange had you been my roommate instead of T.
Anyway, the big question always seems to be, "Why in the world would you do that?" Examples include:
- Setting three alarms that go off at 7-minute intervals for a complete hour and a half before said husband has to get up. One alarm is set to a radio station, which blasts 1000+ decimal sounds from the bathroom. These have been affectionately labeled, "the jams." I HATE the jams.
- Buying enough beer to fit the fridge and to take up the entire bottom shelf of our pantry. First, I don't drink beer. Second, T is so busy that we never really have friends over who can drink the beer. Doesn't beer go bad? Don't we have more important things in our 800 sq foot apartment to store than extra cases of beer?
- Deciding to eat sushi as his first meal after a 48-hour bout with seafood-borne food poisoning. No explanation here for why this is baffling to me.
- T's propensity, upon coming home from work, to remove all clothing deemed unnecessary.
- T's ability to fall asleep pretty much anywhere, at any time, in any position, provided I have just scratched his back.
- His love of grilling-- anything-- while defiantly stating that he refuses to cook because he doesn't know how.
What's so funny about all of this is how much T prides himself on being logical. He thinks he is pretty much the most logical person in the world, and tends to lord it over my head that he is logical and thinks with his head to my emotional, think-with-my-heart tendencies. But in looking at this list, these things just don't seem logical to me. If we're tight on space, why buy more beer than you can drink in a month if I go to the grocery store every week and have promised to keep a full stock? If you are constantly sleep deprived because of your job, why interrupt your sleep with constant alarms for an hour and a half when you could be getting more deep, restorative sleep during that time? And for goodness sake, if seafood made you so sick that you couldn't eat for 2 full days, why would you choose more seafood to eat on your first day back!?
I guess this just shows that we all have our own type of logic, and what makes sense to one person for one reason may not make sense to another. It all comes down to what we value and our priorities in life-- do we value feeling good more than we love sushi? Depends on the person.
What do you think? Is logic absolute? Is there always one smart, right, logical way of doing something? Or is it malleable depending on the situation at hand and what someone wants out of it?
I don't know if any of you out there have ever lived with a man, but it is a very weird phenomenon.
I have had lots of roommates over the years. 11 to be exact-- not including my first and longest-lasting roommate and wombmate (get it!?) M. Each of my roommates had their own quirks, and I have enjoyed living with most of them and have learned a lot through each of them. My roommates have been snorers and insomniacs, writers and engineers, bakers and take-out orderers, cleaners and potential future hoarders, social butterflies and introverts... I've experienced the roommate continuum from end to end.
But, until about a month ago, I had never had a roommate who was of the Y-chromosome variety, and that has been an interesting experience indeed. Note: these thoughts are not disparage my new husband or call him out on weird habits. Instead, they are only meant to highlight some of the differences between us that I think other wives or girlfriends may recognize and sympathize with. I also recognize that these traits may be shared by XX-chromosome friends, and in that case, I probably would have thought it just as strange had you been my roommate instead of T.
Anyway, the big question always seems to be, "Why in the world would you do that?" Examples include:
- Setting three alarms that go off at 7-minute intervals for a complete hour and a half before said husband has to get up. One alarm is set to a radio station, which blasts 1000+ decimal sounds from the bathroom. These have been affectionately labeled, "the jams." I HATE the jams.
- Buying enough beer to fit the fridge and to take up the entire bottom shelf of our pantry. First, I don't drink beer. Second, T is so busy that we never really have friends over who can drink the beer. Doesn't beer go bad? Don't we have more important things in our 800 sq foot apartment to store than extra cases of beer?
- Deciding to eat sushi as his first meal after a 48-hour bout with seafood-borne food poisoning. No explanation here for why this is baffling to me.
- T's propensity, upon coming home from work, to remove all clothing deemed unnecessary.
- T's ability to fall asleep pretty much anywhere, at any time, in any position, provided I have just scratched his back.
- His love of grilling-- anything-- while defiantly stating that he refuses to cook because he doesn't know how.
What's so funny about all of this is how much T prides himself on being logical. He thinks he is pretty much the most logical person in the world, and tends to lord it over my head that he is logical and thinks with his head to my emotional, think-with-my-heart tendencies. But in looking at this list, these things just don't seem logical to me. If we're tight on space, why buy more beer than you can drink in a month if I go to the grocery store every week and have promised to keep a full stock? If you are constantly sleep deprived because of your job, why interrupt your sleep with constant alarms for an hour and a half when you could be getting more deep, restorative sleep during that time? And for goodness sake, if seafood made you so sick that you couldn't eat for 2 full days, why would you choose more seafood to eat on your first day back!?
I guess this just shows that we all have our own type of logic, and what makes sense to one person for one reason may not make sense to another. It all comes down to what we value and our priorities in life-- do we value feeling good more than we love sushi? Depends on the person.
What do you think? Is logic absolute? Is there always one smart, right, logical way of doing something? Or is it malleable depending on the situation at hand and what someone wants out of it?
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