The Relationship Resume, by M

Every time I write a blog or a journal entry, I’m tempted to start it off with the following “Whoa… I can’t believe it’s been so many days since I updated!” Well, actually if you would read through my journal, or if you frequent my personal blog, I probably do end up saying that 8 times out of 10. The days go by so quickly! This go round, time really did escape me for a while… I was busy all weekend with my wonderful mom and sister, who were in town for my baptism! (More on that later…)

But in terms of the days going quickly, I’ve got to say… time is currently speeding by much quicker than I’d prefer. For one reason or another, I find myself feeling like I don’t have enough time to do anything recently… let alone everything. Those people in my day-to-day life have heard this concern from me a few times over the past couple of weeks. I just feel swamped. Spent. Tired.

So I’ve been trying to process why I’ve been feeling this way. Part of it is because I’ve been really busy at work. Part of it is because I’ve had a couple of other “side projects” going on that were time-consuming and not part of the normal routine. Part of it is because I’ve developed better friendships now that I’m not MIA spending time with a boyfriend. But really, none of those things totally account for why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling. I’ve been thinking, praying, and talking to W about it, and I believe I’ve come to a conclusion… I’ve been subconsciously building a relationship resume.

Seriously, a relationship resume. Now before I define that, let me back up and say that this really boils down to a control issue. I LOVE control. I LOVE the security that I feel when I’m in control of things. I self-identify as type A, kind of anal retentive, control freak status (mental note: don’t share this on dates lol). But it’s true… and this little relationship resume-building thing is just one way to try to trick myself into thinking I have control over something that I really don’t. My brain has played this game before in other incarnations… it’s tricky how it all works, really.

Okay, so here’s what happened… recently, I started filling up my schedule like crazy, a noticeable increase in activities occurring post break-up with “Mr. Maturity.” I’ve started taking on a bunch of pretty worthy things, under the guise that I just wanted to do these things because I can (singleness responsibility, in a way) and because I want to (out of love and obedience to Christ). I figured I’ve got the time, I’ve got the ability, and it’s better than sitting around thinking about being alone… so why not?

Well, next thing you know I’m working two jobs (okay, that wasn’t new), leading two ministry environments, volunteering every other weekend, taking classes, attending retreats, making goodie bags for the homeless, praying for the prisoners, etc… and it’s just TOO MUCH. I feel like my wheels are spinning constantly, I’m juggling too many things and always letting something drop… it’s exhausting. Bad news.

So then, how did I get here? Because all of these things in theory are great, super worthy endeavors. As Christians it’s supposed to work that the more we pour out in service to others, the more fulfilled we feel. So why am I so drained?

Enter the relationship resume. If I take a hard look at my motivation, I discover that the foundation of my thinking goes something like this: “…of course you should pray for the prisoners. God obviously wants you to be with those in prison… it’s in the Bible…” which swiftly turned into a thought like this: “…if you want to be a good catch for a good Christian man, you’ll up your chances by praying for prisoners…” (Or loving on some kiddos. Or taking a class on Hindu theology. Or rebuilding homes destroyed by the tornados. You get the idea.) Yikes. It is scary and super unattractive to admit that my thoughts went there. But in the spirit of honesty, they did… whether I admitted it to myself at the time or not.

You see, I figured that if I could just build up a great enough “relationship resume,” I would ensure that some great guy would find me attractive and want to be with me. I mean, really… who could say no to a woman that does all of these great things for the babies, the poor, the homeless, the sick, the imprisoned? Right!? Or so the fallacy goes. It gave me a false sense of control over the situation… like there was some direct correlation between me singing with toddlers in Sunday school and being married in the next 2-3 years. It’s so obviously not true, but yet it gave me some false security and comfort anyway.

I clearly understand now why all of these activities are draining… they need to be done for Christ with the right heart and the right motivation, or else it just becomes one more burden. And I’ve realized, too, that my litmus test can’t just be “if the Bible says to do it, it means I probably should.” If I check the Bible on any of these things, I’m confident that it would condone all of them; it is unlikely, however, that it would condone all of them at once. So, once again, I need to hand back over the control… and that means picking a few things that I can really commit to, adding a few more things to the list of “what I don’t do,” risk disappointing a few people in my life, and just trust God that I don’t need a 4.0 GPA in singleness to be attractive to someone.

It’s tough. I pray that I can just loosen the reins and let God have it… all of it… in regard to my love life. Clearly I’m not there yet. I’m learning every day how much of an issue this is for me, how distorted some of my thinking has been… I’m almost shocked to discover how deep some of these issues go for me. It’s intimidating, but I know that I’m moving forward and Christ is with me. Praise Him for that! Time to throw out the relationship resume... once and for all!