Being a Ragamuffin, by M

As I think back on my (few) years of adult life thus far, I'm able to recall a couple of seasons in which I was absolutely sure that God was trying to get my attention about something. Although I'm guessing that this actually happens far more than I realize... there have been a few instances in which I was tuned in enough (or perhaps God was sufficiently loud enough) to turn my attention definitively towards Him and what He wanted me to learn. In the last couple of weeks, it has become clear to me that I once again find myself in such a season. God seems to be coming at me from all sides and in all manner of ways with this one request... learn that you are a ragamuffin. Know that I love you anyway.

I think that probably sounds dramatic, but stay with me! It seems as though every book I read, every sermon I listen to, every song that plays through my Pandora is speaking to me on this theme. And what great timing too - as my ongoing adjustment to being the "new girl" in full-time ministry, wedding planning, wife-preparedness, etc leaves me often feeling that I am far from perfect and prone to come up short. As a recovering perfectionist, this sense of personal/professional "failure" is familiar territory; however, God is showing me that my response to it must be learned anew.

My small group has been reading Brennan Manning's best-selling The Ragamuffin Gospel for the past two months. I had been familiar with the book for several years but had never actually ventured to read it until just now. Having loved one of Manning's other classics Abba's Child, I felt confident that this book would probably rock my world and/or give me a good old punch to the gut. The truth is, I was right. Manning speaks about God's love and grace in a way that we just don't hear much now-a-days. He begs his readers to ponder the question, "do you truly believe the Gospel is good news?" 

Here's one story from the book that really spoke to me. Manning, a recovering alcoholic, relays an astounding demonstration of grace that he was witness to one evening:

"On a sweltering summer night in New Orleans, sixteen recovering drug addicts and alcoholics gather for their weekly AA meeting... They have been meeting on Tuesday nights for several years and they know each other well. Some talk to each other daily on the telephone, others socialize outside the meetings. The personal investment in one another's sobriety is sizable... That night, Jack was the appointed leader. 'The theme I would like to talk about tonight is gratitude' he began, 'but if anyone wants to talk about something else, let's hear it.' 

Immediately Phil's hand shot up.

'As you all know, last week I went up to Pennsylvania to visit family and missed the meeting. You know I have been sober for seven years. Last Monday I got drunk and stayed drunk for five days.'

The only sound in the room was the drip of Mr. Coffee in the corner.

'You all know the buzzword H.A.L.T in this program,' he continued. 'Don't let yourself get hungry, angry, lonely, or tired or you will be very vulnerable for the first drink. The last three got to me. I unplugged the jug and...' 

Phil's voice choked and he lowered his head. I glanced around the table - moist eyes, tears of compassion, soft sobbing the only sound in the room. 

'The same thing happened to me, Phil, but I stayed drunk for a year.'

'Thank God you're back.'

'Boy, that took a lot of guts.'

'Relapse spells relief, Phil,' said a substance abuse counselor. 'Let's get together tomorrow and figure out what you needed relief from and why.'

'I'm so proud of you.'

'Hell, I never made it even close to seven years.'

As the meeting ended, Phil stood up. He felt a hand on his shoulder, another on his face. Then kisses on his eyes, forehead, neck, and cheek. 'You old ragamuffin,' said Denise. 'Let's go. I'm treating you to a banana split at the Tastee Freeze." 

-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel pages 66-68

As I read this story the first time around, I caught myself holding my breath as this man revealed his sin to his peers. I anticipated them to react in anger and betrayal... "how could you?" "How could you do this to us?" I expected Phil to likely be kicked out of the group and invited back only when he got his life a little more together. Instead, the reactions of his fellow members floored me. I couldn't believe how quickly they were to not only forgive Phil, not only to show him mercy, but to show him such beautiful grace and love. It makes me really question why the Church does not very often act similarly to the mistakes and sins of her members? 

On top of that, however, is the question of "do I really believe that that is how God reacts to me in my sin?" Manning argues (with hefty scriptural support throughout the book) that the tenderness and love exemplified by those recovering alcoholics is just a small slice of the grace, mercy, and love that God has for us. Do I really believe that? 

Most of the time, I feel like I don't. I know in my brain that God loves me and that I need his grace to be saved through my faith in His son Jesus. But do I live and breathe as though God desperately desires to lavish his love on me and be just like that dad that kisses his daughter's "boo-boos"? Especially those wounds, those mistakes, those sins, those let-downs, etc that I bring upon myself? I am learning that I will never be more or less in His eyes than that small child with the skinned knee who makes messes, who runs away, and who does all sorts of things because she just doesn't know better. And yet, He is not waiting for me to "grow up." He's not waiting for me to get it together, or reach perfection, or just cut it out. Instead, He says "Come here. Let me comfort you. I love you... it's okay."

...and even if that conversation happens 100 times a day, every day for my whole life, He just desires that I keep coming back. He is the Comforter, the Redeemer, the Forgiver, and more... That is good news! And now I am in the process of learning how to rest in it.

The Father's Love, by M

To be totally honest, I've been in somewhat of a funk for the last week or two. I had planned to write a blog post here about why I think that is and what I should be doing about it... as you may have noticed, that post has yet to be composed or published. Oops?

Instead, I think I'll save that for another time (or, perhaps my mood will change and render such a post unnecessary?) We'll see! In the meantime, I thought I'd share with you something that lifted my spirits today.

Below is a piece titled Father's Love Letter, and it's a beautiful composition of truths about our God and how He loves His people. I came across this (well, a slightly different version but same idea) nearly two years ago when I was going through a counseling ministry at my church. Sometimes it's just good to hear the truth, isn't it?

I hope that you can read the following and truly know that God is for you, that He loves you, that He desires good for you, and that you are His precious child. Sometimes, we just need a reminder!

You may not know me, 
but I know everything about you. 
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. 
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. 
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. 
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. 
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. 
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. 
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. 
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, 
for all your days are written in my book. 
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth 
and where you would live. 
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. 
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. 
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented 
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, 
but am the complete expression of love. 
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child 
and I am your Father. 
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. 
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. 
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. 
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. 
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. 
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. 
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless 
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. 
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. 
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. 
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul. 
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. 
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, 
you will find me. 
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you 
the desires of your heart. 
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. 
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you 
than you could possibly imagine. 
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you 
in all your troubles. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, 
I am close to you. 
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, 
I have carried you close to my heart. 
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away 
every tear from your eyes. 
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain 
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you 
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. 
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. 
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, 
not against you. 
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression 
of my love for you. 
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love. 
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, 
you receive me. 
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you 
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party 
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, 
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child? 
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. 
Luke 15:11-32

http://www.fathersloveletter.com/

"True love," by M

"Love to be real, it must cost — it must hurt — it must empty us of self." ―Mother Teresa

I came across this quote by Mother Teresa many years ago. I think it was during that stage when the cool thing to do was collect those cards and magnets that had bold colors/geometric designs with the quotes on them. Remember those? I still think they’re pretty cool, actually. Anyway, I was drawn to this idea of love hurting (maybe I was in the midst of a breakup… who knows) and I saved this quote as some sort of lighthouse in the darkness of that hurt. It’s really beautiful sentiment, isn’t it?

At the time, I took this idea of "real love hurts" to mean two things:

1) If we love people, we will hurt on their behalf. For example, if I do a good job of loving the people that I work for, my heart will hurt for them over their cancer diagnoses, the emotional burdens they carry, the financial stress they’re faced with, etc. I’ve certainly experienced broken heartedness for my friends and family when they are struggling with some major life obstacle. It’s true… loving people means hurting when they’re hurting.

2) If we love people, we will have to sacrifice. Loving people means feeling the occasional sting of selflessness… of not getting what you want all the time. Sometimes it’s super minor, like giving up a Saturday to watch some man-centric sporting event. Sometimes it’s major like sacrificing years of sleep when you have children. Sometimes its huge, like sacrificing your future, your plans, or even your life. Sacrifice is the loss of something for the gain of something greater… however, rarely does that stop us from grieving the loss, even if just a little bit.

Upon reflection, I think both of these interpretations are true. Serious love does end up hurting us in both of these ways. However, there’s another way that I’ve recently discovered that it hurts, also. And just like the first two, it serves to make us more like Christ… to "empty us of self."

My small group is reading a book these days called "Ten Dumb Things Smart Christians Believe," by Larry Osborne. (I’m not a huge fan of the book so far, for the record). However, the 2nd "dumb thing" it mentioned was that many Christians believe that forgiving means forgetting. Osborne goes on to say that it’s "dumb" to think that God is a forgetful God. How is it possible for an all-knowing God to forget something that we have done? Although The Bible says that, through forgiveness in Christ Jesus, our sins are removed from us as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12), does that mean God has sin amnesia? If so, that presents a theological problem… it positions us as knowing something (the sins of our past) that our omniscient God does not. So no, God doesn’t forget.

Instead, he forgives our sins by canceling them. He cancels the eternal consequences of our sin (which is death, separation from Him – Hell) and treats us as though it never happened. This is not to suggest that He forgets about it, but instead that he chooses to relate to us (love us, bless us, define us, etc) as though we never committed such sin. This is truly incredible, if you think about it.

All of this means that if we want to love and forgive like Christ, we have to do the same thing. It means when people we love sin against us (and they do all the time) we are compelled to not hold it against them, not seek revenge, not change our definition of them, and not expect them to do it again. We are not to build walls using the memories of our past hurts. We are not to withhold our love out of anger. We are not to love less out of fear. That’s tough. And doing it the right way means that we make ourselves vulnerable to being hurt over and over and over again.

(Now, let me just throw out a qualifying statement here that I am NOT referring to situations of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. If anyone finds themselves at the hands of someone who is hurting them purposefully and maliciously for any reason, they have every right to do what they need to do to protect themselves. Moreover, I’ll clarify that "people you love" is mostly referring to those that you have no ability (or little ability) to rid yourself of – family and spouse. Friends, dating relationships, etc. do give you the opportunity to walk away, obviously).

But my point is that God loves and forgives us by choosing to be ceaselessly optimistic about our potential. He has FAR more faith in us than we do in Him. Every time I doubt that I remind myself of the apostle Peter. He was such a hot mess! And yet, Christ says "upon this rock I will build my church" (Matthew 16:8). So, God forgives us, cancels the eternal consequences of our sin, and loves us and trusts us the same as before. Our sin does not change who we are in His eyes. Yet, I think this makes for an oft-brokenhearted God. He gets hurt time and time again by our sin… our idolatry, our pride, our control… yet he pours forth his love from the cracks of that broken heart. Are we not called to do the same? Forgiving like God, loving like God, and having faith like God leaves us wide open to be hurt… and I think that’s the point. How else are we "emptied of self" if not for the gradual process of setting aside our pride and our supposed entitlements each time we get hurt? Each time we forgive, we hurt, and we enter into God's hurt and Christ's sacrifice for us.

And so that's what I'm learning these days. (Not that things are bad in my relationship... they're really not!) But, I'm taking this time to try to learn mature love. I once heard a great quote that said something along the lines of "dating is really bad preparation for marriage. Dating teaches you to run away, to try out different people, to always self-protect. Marriage requires exactly the opposite." Instead, I'm trying to take this opportunity of dating and start practicing the right things. And I'm sure anyone who's married would tell you that forgiveness is numero uno... or at least top 5. So, here's to learning to be like Mother Teresa and Jesus... I can't go wrong with that formula, right?!

Grace and Gratitude, by M

First of all, can I just say that I thought W's last post was fantastic!? That sets a pretty high standard... lots to live up to! Go read it if you haven't already!

Grace... you know, probably the best description that I've ever heard of what exactly grace is was a brief summary of the story of Elisabeth Elliot. (Remember her? Yes, I'm still a bit obsessed.) I don't even remember which book or blog or journal or song or whatever introduced me to her grace... grace like this. But it really, really changed my thinking about grace. Specifically, it helped me to understand the difference between grace and that other oft-referenced word - mercy.

Here's my brief attempt at summarizing (I really wish I could remember so I could share the exact quote! Maybe it'll come to me...) The story of Elisabeth Elliot goes like this:

She felt called as a young girl to follow Christ and be a missionary for Him. In college, she met her future husband, Jim Elliot, and they began what would turn out to be a 5-year courtship while both earnestly prayed for discernment about whether marriage and missions were in God's plan for them. Eventually (again, after 5 longgggg years) they both found themselves in Ecuador, and, after spending some time apart in separate rain forests on different sides of the Andes, were married. (Go read Passion and Purity and get all the details on their courtship. It is a fascinating case study in patience and faith!) They enjoyed 3ish years of blissful married life (bear in mind, these two didn't even kiss or hold hands pre-engagement...), had a daughter, and then Jim Elliot was savagely murdered by the native people he was trying to reach with the gospel. They drove a spear through his heart when he and Elisabeth's daughter was only 10 months old. It is an absolutely heartbreaking story.

Here's where grace comes in, though. Elisabeth Elliot had a couple of choices for how to respond after her husband's murder. She could've chosen bitterness. She could have chosen tolerance. She could have chosen forgiveness. She could have chosen mercy. Instead, she chose grace. You see, mercy means letting someone off the hook for the consequence that is owed them. Elisabeth Elliot could have been very merciful, and told the murderers that she forgived them, wiped away any feelings of bitterness she had towards them, and gone on with her life praying for their souls. She did all this... and then she took it a step further. She continued to live with these people, with her husbands murderers for many years. She raised her daughter among their tribe. She taught them English, prayed with them... she gave her husband's murderers, their wives, and their children hair cuts. That's grace.

While mercy is just sparing someone from what's coming to them, grace is giving someone what they don't deserve. The haircuts? It blows my mind.

I like that story because sometimes when we hear about God's grace, it becomes like a broken record that loses its meaning. I mean, of course God gives us grace... that's like His job. That's what makes God, God. But to think about grace in the context of Elisabeth Elliot makes the sacrifice of grace real again. It makes the reality of its undeservedness very clear.

Lately I have felt blessed by the gift of gratitude for this grace. I've made it a point to say "gift of gratitude" because I know this gratitude is not coming from my own heart! For example, on Monday of this week, I started my "early hours" back up at work... this means waking up an hour and a half earlier than I have had to wake up all summer. My initial reaction is to be bitter and annoyed; the temptation is to be upset at God and life for taking away something that I really loved and enjoyed. However, recently I've been able to look at my life through a clearer lens of gratitude. I can take this situation and earnestly, honestly say to myself and to God "wow, how lucky to have 3 months of sleeping in. Praise God for this summertime treat!" The same goes for many other situations and circumstances I've encountered lately. My boss (who's not a Christian) likes to remark about my consistent positive attitude/optimism... but I think it really is all about gratitude.

God doesn't owe me anything. He doesn't owe me an 8am wake-up call, He doesn't owe me vacation time... He doesn't even owe me a job at all, or an able body for work. It's easy to become entitlted; it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that God serves us and not that we serve Him. So these days I'm enjoying this gift of gratitude and trying to cultivate it. I want to be known as a person who is not upset, frustrated, angry, or bitter... but one that gives praise and witness to God through my gratitude and recognition of His grace. We all have plenty to be grateful for... not the least of which (certainly!) is Christ's death on the cross for our sins. All of the rest is just icing on the cake!

Progress, or My Growing Acceptance of Being a Single Single

After my retreat this weekend, I had to explain to W that single is a noun these days. As in "I am a single." It's used in church language to mean "anyone who is not married"... although I suppose it technically means "any full-grown adult of marrying age who is not married." However, the problem with being categorized as "a single" is that it doesn't provide a lot of clarity about your actual status as a non-married person. You could be a single that's in a relationship, a single that's engaged, a divorced single, a widowed single, or a single single. Whew! Now, many of those singles actually aren't quite that single are they?

So here in the middle of the dating fast, I've been trying to come to terms with being a single single. Wow... not sure if any other phrase possibly makes you sound quite so lame or alone! haha

Seriously, though, I am happy to report that I've been recognizing progress lately. What a blessing! So much of the time we don't even realize that we're making progress... we just wake up one day and all of a sudden we've arrived somewhere without really being aware of how we got there. As such, I take it as a great gift from God to be able to notice progress. It helps me to know that He is working in me, that I'm on the right track, and that I'm steadily headed somewhere better than the place I left. It's exciting!

I've been praying lately that I would find my heart more captivated by God's love than I do by the hypothetical love of some future man. This, it has become clear to me, has been the crux of the problem that I'm dealing with in the dating fast. Relationship and marriage has been an idol for me because at the end of the day I tend to see it as more exciting, more enticing, more important, and more valuable that God's love. Eek. It may be more tangible, but that's about it in terms of its superiority.

So I've been praying for God to help me understand His love more. I figured I'd learn to love Him more if I first better understood His love for me. The great news is that God has been faithful in answering this prayer! I've been reading through Genesis again lately, and truly internalizing the story of Adam and Eve and the fall of man. Truly, the story that the Bible tells is one of the unending heartache of a loving God who just desperately wants to be loved back by His children. I don't know that I've ever really thought about how God feels about all of this. When I try to wrap my mind around God's emotional qualities, I start to better understand His love for us. He tries over and over and over and over again to win our love back. He gives us chance after chance after chance to run back to Him. He pursues each person on earth mightily because it breaks His heart to not have them as His.

As I type this, I recognize that these are all statements that I have heard and known for some time. That said, I feel blessed in that it is penetrating my heart in a new way these days. I had a moment over the weekend where it became awesomely clear to me... there's a song that we often sing called "How He Loves Us" and it has a verse in it which says "if grace is an ocean we're all sinking..." Now, I've never quite liked the song because it's unfortunately forever tied to Mr. Sleepyhead, who was the one who introduced it to me. But anyway, as we were singing it this weekend, I imagined myself floating in the middle of this giant ocean, and God's waves just crashing over me. One wave was love, one wave was grace, one wave was forgiveness, one wave was a second chance, one wave was sustenance, one wave was goodness... repeated in a cycle as many times as real waves crash upon the shore... for eternity.

Sorry if that sounds strange or melodramatic, but the reality is that that's how much God loves us. The waves never stop, never run dry, never grow weaker, never retreat. Crazy to think about, right? I mean, really... really think about it.

In conclusion, I find myself slowly letting go of my death grip on marriage as I start to let first things be first in my heart. Not to say that I don't want it (I still do, at times desperately) but that I'm growing in my peace about it day by day. Being a single single isn't that bad after all, when you've got God on your side and you know that you're still desirable and wanted even if no one's choosing you right now. I pray that I can continue to think this way and continue to grow during this single single season! Here's to progress!