Over a very long and wonderfully relaxing Christmas break, I had the pleasure of listening through a sermon series on Song of Solomon. I’ll include the link below… if my calculations are correct, I believe the recording took place around 1990, from pastor Tommy Nelson of Denton Bible Church in Texas.
I don’t know about you, but I’ll tell you that my (previous) knowledge of Song of Solomon was very limited. I knew that it was written by King Solomon, who is often regarded as the wisest man in all of history. I also knew that the story functions on two levels: one, to tell a beautiful love story between a God-fearing man and woman, and two, to serve as a metaphor for God’s love and Christ’s sacrifice for us – the church. That said, I could only get so far with it before the poetic language threw me for a loop. “[Your] teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn”? (4:2) Ummmmmm okay?
So, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how much I’ve enjoyed this series. It is 6 consecutive messages that break down the 8 chapters of Song of Solomon into 6 stages of relationships/marriage. If you click on the link, you’ll find that the messages are titled according to the stage (attraction, dating, intimacy, conflict, deepening, and faithfulness). It really is a nice combination of Bible study (he gives a lot of background and context for the poetic language and metaphors that Solomon uses) and practical takeaways. I think it’s seriously worthwhile for anyone who is single, dating, or currently married. Ie: If you are over the age of 16, this may be for you! Haha
I don’t want to regurgitate too much of what he says, because, let’s face it… he does a better job in the original than I could hope to do in my summary. That said, I’ll share my biggest takeaway, which is this:
We should expect tenderness from our men.
Tommy Nelson is ALL about tenderness. Seriously. He MEANS BUSINESS about men being tender. Here’s why:
1) In 1 Peter 3:7, it talks about women being the “weaker vessel.” Some people interpret this phrase to mean that women are inferior to men… I’m not so sure about this. If you read the whole verse, it says “Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (NIV). What I’ve heard pastors and authors argue is not that weaker means inferior (as though life is one big bench press contest) but that weaker means delicate. Like comparing a thermometer to a crowbar or porcelain to plywood. How do you treat porcelain? Tenderly… because it’s breakable, it’s valuable, and it’s something to be cherished.
2) In all of the language that Solomon uses to describe his love, he consistently compares her to things that must be approached gently and tenderly. A brief list of the metaphors he uses include sheep, fawns, goats, ribbon, flowers, etc. Here’s the thing… anyone with any sense knows that you don’t run up to any baby animal with your arms flailing and voice ringing out. You don’t walk carelessly over a bed of flowers. Why not? Because the very nature of these things demands that don’t treat them coarsely, or they will either cease to exist, or cease to be near you. Lol
3) Jesus was a tender and emotional man. He is defined by love, compassion, and mercy. Author Brennan Manning writes “scripture says that the essence of the divine nature is compassion and that the heart of God is defined by tenderness.” Author Richard Foster says “God’s heart is the most sensitive and tender of all.” (Both quotes from a wonderful book by Manning called Abba’s Child – go read it!) Here’s one more: “Jesus is a man in a way that we have forgotten men can be… the gospel portrait of the beloved Child of Abba is that of a man exquisitely attuned to his emotions and uninhabited in his expressing them” (Manning).
Thus, the Bible gives clear direction on the importance of tenderness in all three major sections: Old Testament, Gospels, and the epistles. However, we don’t tend to have much of an expectation for men on this front, do we? I know I didn’t.
We tend to think “boys will be boys” and “men will be men” and “I keep him around because he opens pickle jars and is great at fixing the dryer when it breaks.” And don’t get me wrong, God made men to be masculine… and they should be. But it’s also clear that they should be tender… and that we, as women, have a right to be treated like something precious, and valuable, and praise-worthy (again with dear Solomon – Proverbs 31:30).
So, I encourage you to think about this. I encourage you to pray over God’s design for the kind of treatment you deserve from men and make sure you’re getting it… or getting out. And when you have 6 hours to spare, check out the whole sermon series (for free!) on iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/denton-bible-church-love-song/id148822180
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Monday, October 24, 2011
Single Men and Bad Behavior, by M
I'm going to apologize in advance that, while W's posts have been very deep and meaningful these days, my posts haven't been as much. I suppose that's the beauty of having a co-author, right?
Okay, so I just feel the need to share some of my current thoughts about single men these days. Hint: I am generally displeased with them. Now, I’m going to go on record and say that I’m referring to a very generalized concept of the twenty first century mid-20s to early-30s single man. This is not all men. This is not all single men. This is not even all "twenty first century mid-20s to early-30s single men." I’ve encountered some exceptions… like maybe 5. Haha! However, I’ve encountered dozens of non-exceptions, and thus the generalization was born. Please note that I am (unfortunately) not distinguishing between Christian and non-Christian men, because frankly, I have not noticed a need for such distinction.
I’ve done my fair share of dating various iterations of this man, and I’ve also watched my friends cycle through their own. Ladies… if you haven’t had the pleasure of being single and dating in adulthood (no, high school and college do not count), let me tell you that it is rough. A good man is hard to find.
Here are some of the trademarks of the twenty first century mid-20s to early-30s single man… recognize any of them?
1) He’s into "hanging out"… not asking you out. Hanging out is more casual… it’s less pressure. Hanging out means that he can see you but not prioritize you. Hanging out means that he’s not responsible for planning, paying, or even getting fully dressed. He lets you know when he’s "free" (normally 1.5 hours max before desired "hang out") and just wants to know if you’re free too. The reality is that he’s bored, broke (likely ha!), and not man enough to risk the possible rejection of a real date invite. Not impressive.
2) He’s into texting… not calling. Texting is easy! It’s fast! I can do it while I’m at work! I can do it while on the toilet! Texting takes absolutely no commitment. You can say what you want, when you want, with almost no consequence. You can text multiple people at the same time... you can text while literally on a date with someone else. Texting keeps you from investing your time or your emotion into this person or this relationship. Texting is a poor, poor substitute for real communication, and that's precisely why these men prefer it.
3) He’s into being casual… not exclusive. He comes up with every possible vocabulary word to describe what this "thing" is, with the exception of "relationship" or "girlfriend." You meet this guy and find yourself "dating"… "talking"… "hanging out"… "courting"… "seeing each other"… maybe even "hooking up," but Lord knows that you aren’t in a relationship. He refuses to get attached, be vulnerable, give up his other options, and get serious. If you express concern about this fact, it’s suddenly your fault. Didn’t you know that it’s unreasonable to think you’re the only one? Please.
4) He’s single because he "just hasn’t met the right one." Homeboy lives in some alternate universe where apparently being with "the right one" means never having to compromise, sacrifice, do chores, communicate, be honest, meet her needs, and ride out a rough patch. He’s always looking for the next best thing… because it’s a deal-breaker that this beautiful, smart, kind, God-fearing woman just doesn’t love the Patriots. I mean, how could we ever raise children together if she doesn’t love the PATRIOTS!? He nitpicks and fault-finds to avoid facing the hard reality of his own baggage – namely, immaturity, emotional unavailability, and commitment phobia.
5) He’s too postmodern for chivalry. Didn’t that officially die with feminism? Has this guy ever opened a car door? Doubtful.
6) He’s consistently unsettled and uncommitted. Okay, we’re not even talking about relationships here. Now we’re talking about general life… We’re talking about the life of a real, full-grown adult. He doesn’t settle anywhere and doesn’t commit to anything. He switches careers every 6 months, switches roommates and apartments every year, refuses to make any kind of long-term plan, wants to keep himself "available" at all times. Available for what? For chasing after some boyhood dream of living in Key West and drinking coconut milk all day? For running around after the flavor-of-the-week women he encounters in bars? He spends all of his energy running away from that which distinguishes adults from children: responsibility. And we wonder why the thought of marriage terrifies him?
I am more and more convinced that real, respectable, mature men are a dying breed. And ladies, I regretfully say that I believe we’ve had a hand in killing them off. So many of us (definitely myself included) have grown to accept this bad behavior because we simply lack confidence that we can expect anything else. Isn’t that sad? But really, why should we anticipate different behavior if this is what we see over and over again, day in and day out, one by one with all of our friends? Like I said, it is rough.
One time W said that being engaged is like entering a secret circle of women who are all silently communicating with their shimmering eyes and glittering rings "We did it!" I wouldn’t know, but I think the unspoken victory might also read "We actually found a good one! We seriously, actually found one worthy of us. We win! We win!" That’s cause for celebration in my mind. Ha!
Anyway, my point of all of this was not to depress you, fair readers. But it was to bring all of this to light and say "Are we really going to deal with this any longer?" Are we really going to continue to make excuses for men who are apparently comfortable being immature, maladjusted, weenies? I vote NO. We deserve far, far better.
I’m halfway convinced that once we realize this and start to act like it, maybe some real men will step up their game. I mean, it’s worth a shot, right?
Okay, so I just feel the need to share some of my current thoughts about single men these days. Hint: I am generally displeased with them. Now, I’m going to go on record and say that I’m referring to a very generalized concept of the twenty first century mid-20s to early-30s single man. This is not all men. This is not all single men. This is not even all "twenty first century mid-20s to early-30s single men." I’ve encountered some exceptions… like maybe 5. Haha! However, I’ve encountered dozens of non-exceptions, and thus the generalization was born. Please note that I am (unfortunately) not distinguishing between Christian and non-Christian men, because frankly, I have not noticed a need for such distinction.
I’ve done my fair share of dating various iterations of this man, and I’ve also watched my friends cycle through their own. Ladies… if you haven’t had the pleasure of being single and dating in adulthood (no, high school and college do not count), let me tell you that it is rough. A good man is hard to find.
Here are some of the trademarks of the twenty first century mid-20s to early-30s single man… recognize any of them?
1) He’s into "hanging out"… not asking you out. Hanging out is more casual… it’s less pressure. Hanging out means that he can see you but not prioritize you. Hanging out means that he’s not responsible for planning, paying, or even getting fully dressed. He lets you know when he’s "free" (normally 1.5 hours max before desired "hang out") and just wants to know if you’re free too. The reality is that he’s bored, broke (likely ha!), and not man enough to risk the possible rejection of a real date invite. Not impressive.
2) He’s into texting… not calling. Texting is easy! It’s fast! I can do it while I’m at work! I can do it while on the toilet! Texting takes absolutely no commitment. You can say what you want, when you want, with almost no consequence. You can text multiple people at the same time... you can text while literally on a date with someone else. Texting keeps you from investing your time or your emotion into this person or this relationship. Texting is a poor, poor substitute for real communication, and that's precisely why these men prefer it.
3) He’s into being casual… not exclusive. He comes up with every possible vocabulary word to describe what this "thing" is, with the exception of "relationship" or "girlfriend." You meet this guy and find yourself "dating"… "talking"… "hanging out"… "courting"… "seeing each other"… maybe even "hooking up," but Lord knows that you aren’t in a relationship. He refuses to get attached, be vulnerable, give up his other options, and get serious. If you express concern about this fact, it’s suddenly your fault. Didn’t you know that it’s unreasonable to think you’re the only one? Please.
4) He’s single because he "just hasn’t met the right one." Homeboy lives in some alternate universe where apparently being with "the right one" means never having to compromise, sacrifice, do chores, communicate, be honest, meet her needs, and ride out a rough patch. He’s always looking for the next best thing… because it’s a deal-breaker that this beautiful, smart, kind, God-fearing woman just doesn’t love the Patriots. I mean, how could we ever raise children together if she doesn’t love the PATRIOTS!? He nitpicks and fault-finds to avoid facing the hard reality of his own baggage – namely, immaturity, emotional unavailability, and commitment phobia.
5) He’s too postmodern for chivalry. Didn’t that officially die with feminism? Has this guy ever opened a car door? Doubtful.
6) He’s consistently unsettled and uncommitted. Okay, we’re not even talking about relationships here. Now we’re talking about general life… We’re talking about the life of a real, full-grown adult. He doesn’t settle anywhere and doesn’t commit to anything. He switches careers every 6 months, switches roommates and apartments every year, refuses to make any kind of long-term plan, wants to keep himself "available" at all times. Available for what? For chasing after some boyhood dream of living in Key West and drinking coconut milk all day? For running around after the flavor-of-the-week women he encounters in bars? He spends all of his energy running away from that which distinguishes adults from children: responsibility. And we wonder why the thought of marriage terrifies him?
I am more and more convinced that real, respectable, mature men are a dying breed. And ladies, I regretfully say that I believe we’ve had a hand in killing them off. So many of us (definitely myself included) have grown to accept this bad behavior because we simply lack confidence that we can expect anything else. Isn’t that sad? But really, why should we anticipate different behavior if this is what we see over and over again, day in and day out, one by one with all of our friends? Like I said, it is rough.
One time W said that being engaged is like entering a secret circle of women who are all silently communicating with their shimmering eyes and glittering rings "We did it!" I wouldn’t know, but I think the unspoken victory might also read "We actually found a good one! We seriously, actually found one worthy of us. We win! We win!" That’s cause for celebration in my mind. Ha!
Anyway, my point of all of this was not to depress you, fair readers. But it was to bring all of this to light and say "Are we really going to deal with this any longer?" Are we really going to continue to make excuses for men who are apparently comfortable being immature, maladjusted, weenies? I vote NO. We deserve far, far better.
I’m halfway convinced that once we realize this and start to act like it, maybe some real men will step up their game. I mean, it’s worth a shot, right?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Dating and God's Will, by M
Okay, so I really tried to put off talking about singleness for a while. This is in part because if you look at the "tags" for our blog, you’ll see SINGLENESS in gigantic letters because I talk about it approximately 10x more than either of us talk about anything else. That’s kind of embarrassing… and I wish it wasn’t constantly on my mind. But, the reality is that it is.
So, the other day, W signed me up for eHarmony. For any of you who are curious, registering a profile on eHarmony is a serious process that typically takes between 1.5 and 2.5 hours. W did it ALL… because that’s how much she loves me. Or, that’s how much she wants to live vicariously through my dating life, as now she’s just boring and married. (haha love you!) Anyway, I didn’t really ask her to do it and I didn’t get around to doing it myself because I just wasn’t quite sure I was ready for it. But, she did it anyway and after clicking on my profile and perusing my "matches" I found myself phenomenally overwhelmed. It was really strange, actually. I had this almost visceral response where I literally felt I just couldn’t take it. It was just… too much.
Why was it too much? Why was I so freaked out by it? I shocked myself with the response I had to it. So, I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided that I’ve grown to believe (what I hope is) a gigantic lie. It is this:
God doesn’t want to give me a nice, wonderful man… and He will not be pleased if I ever find one.
Hmmmmmmmmmm. That’s a big one. It’s lead me to believe that although wanting a husband is within His will, dating or doing anything about it is contrary. While there are some people that I believe are truly called to singleness for life (Jesus, Paul, the Pope(s), Mother Theresa, Shane Claiborne are all great examples) I really don’t think I’m one of them. So why do I believe that God will be upset at me for dating? Why do I feel like His only role in my dating life is one of antagonism? Does anyone else feel this way?
Thought #1 – Experience is Nature's Teacher
Part of the reason I think this way is because of my past. Although God has given me a handful of "love interests" over the past couple of years… we all know that they’ve been less than stellar, on the whole. Moreover, the longer I’ve been on the dating scene, the worse the men seem to be getting! My relationships have seriously steadily declined in duration from about a year and a half (at 19 years old) to just a couple of weeks or months now (at 25). What the heck!? Some would argue that "it’s better to have loved and lost"… but really this situation just has me increasingly discouraged. I think it’s better to have loved and lost maybe one or two great loves… loving (or liking) and losing upwards of 10+… now that’s just getting absurd. How am I supposed to believe that God wants someone good for me (and will give it to me) when experience has proven very much otherwise… over and over and over?
Thought #2 - Distraction is of the Enemy
It's a widely-accepted Christian idea that distraction is one of the primary tools that Satan uses to tempt and take down Christians. We talk in our churches all the time about avoiding distractions. Ambition distracts us... greed distracts us... pride... laziness... the list goes on. The primary argument against many of these sins is that they are inherently bad because they distract us from our ultimate purpose of serving God. Idolatry is such a grievous sin because it distracts us from appropriately worshiping God. Take even lying... the issue is not simply that it hurts others (although it does); the issue is that living the lies and keeping track of the lies is a major distraction. Any time we are consumed with anything other than God... we call it sin. But here's the problem... is there any greater distraction than love? I really don't think so. Grief is a distraction... but isn't grief really just a symptom of love? Jealousy, certainly.
So, I find myself starting to get distracted by someone... and it feels like I'm doing something wrong. Like I should be "setting my mind on things above" (Colossians 3:2) and using all of that mental space for something better. You know? But, at the end of the day, I don't think it's possible to love and be undistracted. I don't think there's a feasible way to be captivated by someone and not find it distracting from everything else. Yet, it still feels like there is sin in doing so.
Thought #3 - "Use this Season"
My final thought here is that I really think this false belief is wrapped up in the rhetoric that the church uses to talk about dating. Although well-intentioned, all of this talk of "using your singless for its purpose" and "God will give you a relationship when it's His time" also subtly communicates something else:
You're supposed to accomplish something right now and God is going to withold your spouse until you do it.
That's dangerous thinking. This kind of thinking turns God into someone that I like to believe He isn't. But that's totally what the church says... and it's one thing if it could be something tangible like "Hey, learn to speak Portugese because you don't know it yet, but your husband is Brazilian!" It's quite another, though, when the message seems to be "Hey, you better fix this about your [insert deeply personal issue here about body, emotions, past, etc] or else you'll never be marry-able and God knows that." Granted, no mainstream church is really saying that... but that's really what it feels like from time to time.
So, all of these things put together have caused a great bit of confusion in my mind, and, I believe in the minds of many other single, Christian men and women that I encounter. Moreover, there are a host of other false dating beliefs out there and this is only one of them. Eek. Maybe I should do a series of these? Lord knows I've encountered enough of them across the handful of men that I've dated!
In any case, I definitely think this is something that needs more prayer time in my life... Perhaps God truly is giving me a red light (and for good reason?) or perhaps this false belief is nothing more than a stumbling block created by the brokenness of the world. Whatever it is, I need to figure it out! I need to believe that God will be just as happy about me finding my future spouse as I will. I mean, He will be... right?
So, the other day, W signed me up for eHarmony. For any of you who are curious, registering a profile on eHarmony is a serious process that typically takes between 1.5 and 2.5 hours. W did it ALL… because that’s how much she loves me. Or, that’s how much she wants to live vicariously through my dating life, as now she’s just boring and married. (haha love you!) Anyway, I didn’t really ask her to do it and I didn’t get around to doing it myself because I just wasn’t quite sure I was ready for it. But, she did it anyway and after clicking on my profile and perusing my "matches" I found myself phenomenally overwhelmed. It was really strange, actually. I had this almost visceral response where I literally felt I just couldn’t take it. It was just… too much.
Why was it too much? Why was I so freaked out by it? I shocked myself with the response I had to it. So, I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided that I’ve grown to believe (what I hope is) a gigantic lie. It is this:
God doesn’t want to give me a nice, wonderful man… and He will not be pleased if I ever find one.
Hmmmmmmmmmm. That’s a big one. It’s lead me to believe that although wanting a husband is within His will, dating or doing anything about it is contrary. While there are some people that I believe are truly called to singleness for life (Jesus, Paul, the Pope(s), Mother Theresa, Shane Claiborne are all great examples) I really don’t think I’m one of them. So why do I believe that God will be upset at me for dating? Why do I feel like His only role in my dating life is one of antagonism? Does anyone else feel this way?
Thought #1 – Experience is Nature's Teacher
Part of the reason I think this way is because of my past. Although God has given me a handful of "love interests" over the past couple of years… we all know that they’ve been less than stellar, on the whole. Moreover, the longer I’ve been on the dating scene, the worse the men seem to be getting! My relationships have seriously steadily declined in duration from about a year and a half (at 19 years old) to just a couple of weeks or months now (at 25). What the heck!? Some would argue that "it’s better to have loved and lost"… but really this situation just has me increasingly discouraged. I think it’s better to have loved and lost maybe one or two great loves… loving (or liking) and losing upwards of 10+… now that’s just getting absurd. How am I supposed to believe that God wants someone good for me (and will give it to me) when experience has proven very much otherwise… over and over and over?
Thought #2 - Distraction is of the Enemy
It's a widely-accepted Christian idea that distraction is one of the primary tools that Satan uses to tempt and take down Christians. We talk in our churches all the time about avoiding distractions. Ambition distracts us... greed distracts us... pride... laziness... the list goes on. The primary argument against many of these sins is that they are inherently bad because they distract us from our ultimate purpose of serving God. Idolatry is such a grievous sin because it distracts us from appropriately worshiping God. Take even lying... the issue is not simply that it hurts others (although it does); the issue is that living the lies and keeping track of the lies is a major distraction. Any time we are consumed with anything other than God... we call it sin. But here's the problem... is there any greater distraction than love? I really don't think so. Grief is a distraction... but isn't grief really just a symptom of love? Jealousy, certainly.
So, I find myself starting to get distracted by someone... and it feels like I'm doing something wrong. Like I should be "setting my mind on things above" (Colossians 3:2) and using all of that mental space for something better. You know? But, at the end of the day, I don't think it's possible to love and be undistracted. I don't think there's a feasible way to be captivated by someone and not find it distracting from everything else. Yet, it still feels like there is sin in doing so.
Thought #3 - "Use this Season"
My final thought here is that I really think this false belief is wrapped up in the rhetoric that the church uses to talk about dating. Although well-intentioned, all of this talk of "using your singless for its purpose" and "God will give you a relationship when it's His time" also subtly communicates something else:
You're supposed to accomplish something right now and God is going to withold your spouse until you do it.
That's dangerous thinking. This kind of thinking turns God into someone that I like to believe He isn't. But that's totally what the church says... and it's one thing if it could be something tangible like "Hey, learn to speak Portugese because you don't know it yet, but your husband is Brazilian!" It's quite another, though, when the message seems to be "Hey, you better fix this about your [insert deeply personal issue here about body, emotions, past, etc] or else you'll never be marry-able and God knows that." Granted, no mainstream church is really saying that... but that's really what it feels like from time to time.
So, all of these things put together have caused a great bit of confusion in my mind, and, I believe in the minds of many other single, Christian men and women that I encounter. Moreover, there are a host of other false dating beliefs out there and this is only one of them. Eek. Maybe I should do a series of these? Lord knows I've encountered enough of them across the handful of men that I've dated!
In any case, I definitely think this is something that needs more prayer time in my life... Perhaps God truly is giving me a red light (and for good reason?) or perhaps this false belief is nothing more than a stumbling block created by the brokenness of the world. Whatever it is, I need to figure it out! I need to believe that God will be just as happy about me finding my future spouse as I will. I mean, He will be... right?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The Design of Diversity, by M
This post is going to be a little bit of an addendum to my previous blog about finding a "biblically-qualified" spouse. So, if you haven't read that one... maybe you should!
Here's the thing: I'm pretty sure those of us who are not married, or not yet in a serious-to-the-point-of-probable-marriage relationship, spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about who it is that we will eventually marry. We make lists of what qualities they will and won't have, we mentally note all of the cute things that men in the moies do that we hope they will do, and we watch and scrunitize all other men (taken or not, married or not) and keep a mental tally of what we hope for and what we certainly wish to avoid. Let's be honest, it totally happens... a lot.
And so, we take all of this time, and lists, and hopes, and tallies, and dreams, and desires, and we make a nice little mental file that we label "husband!" and it all seems well and good. Those of us who are Christian women also make very sure that all of those biblical qualifications are snugly situated in the file, and all of those secret-warning-signs-that-tell-you-he's-not-really-a-Christian-even-when-he-might-say-that-he-is are left very much OUT of it. And then we wait, and we look, and we try to be patient, and we keep our eyes peeled... and we wait some more, and we look some more and we think that one day we'll stumble upon someone who just fits perfectly into the little husband mold that we've built for ourselves. And then we'll know that it's the right one because it just fits... like magic! Like God designed it!
-----
Okay, so I went to this meeting at church on Friday and I heard a statement that has kind of haunted me all weekend. And it wasn't even intended to speak at all to this issue of who ends up as our husbands and who doesn't... but I can't get it out of my head, and I can't stop thinking about how it pertains to this. Maybe that means it's something worth paying attention to? The statement was this:
We tend to see others as flawed versions of ourselves.
Think about it. It's true. We have conflict with the people who are most unlike us because we literally cannot figure out why they just can't get it together and start thinking the way we think and being the way we are. We rarely value difference... In fact, perhaps the only time we readily value it is when it directly benefits us. Think about it. Pretty much every other time we find difference to be frustrating, annoying, bothersome, etc. That's not much middle ground; either it's fine because we're benefitting, or it's impossible because we're not.
So then this leads us to another thought, which is this:
We tend to value people and traits more highly that are the most like us.
Again, we all totally do this. Of course, we think that we were all designed and/or raised the "right way" and that the things that come easily to us do (or should) come easily to others. It's so very difficult to understand how something so natural as our gifts should be challenging for someone else to master. So, we tend to gravitate towards people who share our gifts, and we also tend to value those people more highly than others.
Here's the rub, though. In doing this... in gravitating towards people like us... we align ourselves with people who not only have the same strengths, but who also have the same brokenness. I like the word brokenness here better than the more conventional word "weakness." Because let's be honest, two people with two equally weak legs can still run a race, albeit slowly. Two people with equally broken legs. Um, no. Not at all. The Bible makes it clear that we are all broken... not simply weak.
So, God in His great wisdom and mercy designs diversity to solve this problem. If one person has a broken foot and one person has a broken nose, they can complete that race, certainly. It won't be pretty, but that's the nature of the fall, right? This is not news to us; God tells us throughout the Bible that His design is diversity and that diversity is intended to grow us, help us, complete us (in some ways), and strengthen us (1 Corinthians 12). We know this. Woo hoo! It's all good!
But really, here's the thing that's been haunting me about it. I have made my little mental husband mold out of traits and characteristics that I value. Which means that I've crafted my future husband to be made up of all the same ingredients that I am... Which means that I've been potentially setting myself up to run the most important race there is with two broken legs. And let me tell you what... I have found men like this, and they just fit so nicely into the mold I had in my head... and the race was ROUGH. And the race ended with far more broken bones than we started with... both of us limping away in opposite directions. Why am I surprised? And why do I continue to think that it will work the next time, even though I refuse to change the formula?
The thought of throwing out the list, the tallies, the expectations, the hopes, etc terrifies me. Yet, it's becoming ever clear that my own mind and heart is not to be trusted in truly knowing what is best for me. So what am I left with? What are we left with?
1) Accepting possibilities
2) Preparing for curveballs
3) Praying, praying, praying, praying.
...and not praying that God will give us just what we want. I'm talking, praying, praying, praying about whether the one we have (now, maybe, or in the future, God-willing) might just be the one He wants... even if it doesn't look like we expected.
Here's the thing: I'm pretty sure those of us who are not married, or not yet in a serious-to-the-point-of-probable-marriage relationship, spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about who it is that we will eventually marry. We make lists of what qualities they will and won't have, we mentally note all of the cute things that men in the moies do that we hope they will do, and we watch and scrunitize all other men (taken or not, married or not) and keep a mental tally of what we hope for and what we certainly wish to avoid. Let's be honest, it totally happens... a lot.
And so, we take all of this time, and lists, and hopes, and tallies, and dreams, and desires, and we make a nice little mental file that we label "husband!" and it all seems well and good. Those of us who are Christian women also make very sure that all of those biblical qualifications are snugly situated in the file, and all of those secret-warning-signs-that-tell-you-he's-not-really-a-Christian-even-when-he-might-say-that-he-is are left very much OUT of it. And then we wait, and we look, and we try to be patient, and we keep our eyes peeled... and we wait some more, and we look some more and we think that one day we'll stumble upon someone who just fits perfectly into the little husband mold that we've built for ourselves. And then we'll know that it's the right one because it just fits... like magic! Like God designed it!
-----
Okay, so I went to this meeting at church on Friday and I heard a statement that has kind of haunted me all weekend. And it wasn't even intended to speak at all to this issue of who ends up as our husbands and who doesn't... but I can't get it out of my head, and I can't stop thinking about how it pertains to this. Maybe that means it's something worth paying attention to? The statement was this:
We tend to see others as flawed versions of ourselves.
Think about it. It's true. We have conflict with the people who are most unlike us because we literally cannot figure out why they just can't get it together and start thinking the way we think and being the way we are. We rarely value difference... In fact, perhaps the only time we readily value it is when it directly benefits us. Think about it. Pretty much every other time we find difference to be frustrating, annoying, bothersome, etc. That's not much middle ground; either it's fine because we're benefitting, or it's impossible because we're not.
So then this leads us to another thought, which is this:
We tend to value people and traits more highly that are the most like us.
Again, we all totally do this. Of course, we think that we were all designed and/or raised the "right way" and that the things that come easily to us do (or should) come easily to others. It's so very difficult to understand how something so natural as our gifts should be challenging for someone else to master. So, we tend to gravitate towards people who share our gifts, and we also tend to value those people more highly than others.
Here's the rub, though. In doing this... in gravitating towards people like us... we align ourselves with people who not only have the same strengths, but who also have the same brokenness. I like the word brokenness here better than the more conventional word "weakness." Because let's be honest, two people with two equally weak legs can still run a race, albeit slowly. Two people with equally broken legs. Um, no. Not at all. The Bible makes it clear that we are all broken... not simply weak.
So, God in His great wisdom and mercy designs diversity to solve this problem. If one person has a broken foot and one person has a broken nose, they can complete that race, certainly. It won't be pretty, but that's the nature of the fall, right? This is not news to us; God tells us throughout the Bible that His design is diversity and that diversity is intended to grow us, help us, complete us (in some ways), and strengthen us (1 Corinthians 12). We know this. Woo hoo! It's all good!
But really, here's the thing that's been haunting me about it. I have made my little mental husband mold out of traits and characteristics that I value. Which means that I've crafted my future husband to be made up of all the same ingredients that I am... Which means that I've been potentially setting myself up to run the most important race there is with two broken legs. And let me tell you what... I have found men like this, and they just fit so nicely into the mold I had in my head... and the race was ROUGH. And the race ended with far more broken bones than we started with... both of us limping away in opposite directions. Why am I surprised? And why do I continue to think that it will work the next time, even though I refuse to change the formula?
The thought of throwing out the list, the tallies, the expectations, the hopes, etc terrifies me. Yet, it's becoming ever clear that my own mind and heart is not to be trusted in truly knowing what is best for me. So what am I left with? What are we left with?
1) Accepting possibilities
2) Preparing for curveballs
3) Praying, praying, praying, praying.
...and not praying that God will give us just what we want. I'm talking, praying, praying, praying about whether the one we have (now, maybe, or in the future, God-willing) might just be the one He wants... even if it doesn't look like we expected.
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