The Breath of Life, by M

About once every 2-3 months I’m reminded that I need to loosen the grip of control. Or, really, I should say that I get a spiritual conviction about this about once every 2-3 months. In my life otherwise I’m reminded of this approximately 4-5 times a week… whenever I encounter traffic jams, hidden onions, rainy weekends, and past-my-bedtime necessities. The reality is that I want everything to be under my control at all times, and despite my best intentions, I struggle to give this control up to God in things both little and large.

It’s all so dumb, isn’t it? The reality is that we rarely have any control over anything, let alone everything. Me wanting to control the weather for my beach vacation doesn’t mean that I actually have any control at all. Instead, this desire for control has the power to leave me frustrated and upset when things don’t go my way. Didn’t someone know that my plan was for it to be sunny and warm??

So, I’m well aware that desiring control is a fruitless, if not downright sinful endeavor. Controlling the things that are in your control is great. Everything else… wasted effort. I was reminded of this recently.

You see, it is very easy for me to get wrapped up spiritually in thinking that I’m responsible for others’ choices, behaviors, or even salvation. I’m not sure if this comes from my position of leadership in the church or my own nature of desiring to control things (probably both), but it’s something that I’m aware of is a temptation for me. I start off well-intentioned and thinking that I’m just doing (or attempting to do) God’s work here on earth. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Aren’t we His hands and His feet here? Next thing you know I’m up at night beating myself up about all the people around me whose lives aren’t changing. I think "well, if I were doing a better job of witnessing or evangelizing or making God ‘attractive’ wouldn’t people want to know Jesus? Wouldn’t I see more life change?" It’s bad. It’s a total lack of faith and a total belief in only that which I can see.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Passion City Church here in Atlanta and listened to Louie Giglio preach a sermon on the Gospel of John. He talked about how the Bible says that those who believe in Jesus are made alive in Him - "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." (John 5:24). Meaning, before our salvation, we were dead. He went on to say that no one raised themselves from the dead. They don’t choose to become un-dead, they don’t raise their hands and ask to be made alive again… they are straight-up dead. He made the point that we cannot boast or think that we have saved ourselves. No, God finds us, calls us, pursues us, and raises us to life... meanwhile, we're still just dead.

So I've been thinking recently about how this relates to my desire for control. The reality is that the people around me who are non-believers are yet "dead in their transgressions" (Ephesians 2:4); they have not yet crossed from death to life. This means that no matter how much spiritual "shaking" I do, they aren't waking up from my effort. Sometimes I feel like if I just try a little harder or turn up the volume a little more, they'll finally "wake up." The truth is that no one wakes the dead other than God himself.

This is comforting to me, but it's also convicting. I feel relief but also the temptation for apathy. I certainly don't think that this truth lets us (who are alive) off of the hook. The reality is that God can and does use us as His hands and feet, and that we very well may play integral roles in others' process of "waking up" to Christ. However, the reality also is that that first breath of eternal life must always come from God... and that is going to come on His terms and in His time.

So, I'm once again reminded that I need to release my grip of control to Him and His plan. Feeling like a failure for not doing more to raise others to life puts me and my works at the center of this universe. It creates an expectation that I am responsible for stirring that heart... and yet, I am not anyone's Savior. I am not meant to be. God will not yield to my agenda and time-frame. Moreover, can't I trust Him with others' salvation? He clearly did a fine job waking me to life.

I'm thinking, then, that I need to (once again) trust God to do what He says He will do. I need to believe in my heart that God desires for each and every one of his people to wake up to Him and follow Him... and that He is more than capable of accomplishing this. The wise words of John the Baptist remind me that, in order for me to truly aid in accomplishing God's purposes, "He must become greater; I must become less." (John 3:30)

Freedom, by M

I was on a "sex panel" my senior year of college. I'm not sure if that story ever got back to my family, so heads up mom and grandma if you're reading this! But really, it's a true story. One of my majors was Communications, and I chose to pursue a focus in how the mass media represent gender and sexuality. I loved it and thought it was SO interesting... although it did occasionally get a little awkward when I'd go home to my great, Christian roommates and have to explain why I was carrying an armful of books about Playboy, for example.

ANYWAY, I ended up taking more than a few classes in gender and sexuality studies, and that, my friends, is the first step to ending up as a featured member of a sex panel. See, one of my classmates was putting together this panel for one of her other classes, and she was looking for a variety of different panelists. Knowing that I likely was one of the only wait-until-marriage types that she encountered in her classes, I offered myself up as the resident Christian-abstainer (ha!) in case they wanted one. Turns out they did, and next thing you know I'm telling 400 strangers about my sex life, or lack thereof. It was... an experience.

I went into it kind of intrigued and a little nervous... but honestly, not expecting to be that surprised. You see, my other major was Theatre, so I pretty much surrounded myself with lots of people who had a variety of different experiences, orientations and preferences. I was up front with my friends about my choices and Christianness and they were up front about their choices - which were often, highly contrary to mine. I loved it and felt very much like it was my mission field. I miss it, honestly. But anyway, the panel was made up of two abstainers, a straight guy and girl, a gay guy and girl, and one guy who identified as bisexual. Two of the other panelists were my friends... the gay ones.

So I went into the panel with this grand idea that God was going to use me to reach these 500 people in attendance. I just knew that the whole point of the panel was so that I could tell all of my peers about the better way that can be found in Him. And, you know what, I hope that He accomplished that. But, God is funny sometimes. What I didn't anticipate is that God was planning to reach me through the experience as well. I learned a lesson that day that I definitely didn't see coming, and it's been one that has stayed with me and shaped my faith journey ever since.

You see, sometimes it's easy to think of God as this giant buzz-kill. Even as a Christian I've entertained a fleeting thought that life would've just been easier if I could go along doing my own thing and then accept Christ when I'm like 90. I mean, it's tough sometimes! It's called the narrow way for a reason, I believe! And sometimes we look at all these rules that God sets out for His followers and it's just... lame. Sometimes it seems like God is withholding just for the point of making Christians into lame, prude, not-fun-having people. Not cool.

And we've all heard the arguments before... "God just wants to protect you." "He lays out these rules because He loves you." "Trust us, it's a better way for His chosen people." But honestly, sometimes those arguments don't quite cut it. It's easy to see how in telling us not to behave in drunkenness that God is protecting us from injuries and unplanned pregnancies, sure. It's easy to see how in telling us not to lie and cheat and He's saving us from spending our whole lives in jail. BUT, really... most of us probably wouldn't have ended up with unplanned babies or in jail anyway. So, what about that?

But, as I sat on the sex panel and listened to the other panelists share their stories and experiences, something struck me like a brick. I listened to the straight guy talk about his 20-30 partners and how he "prefers to just not share that number with his current girlfriend." I listened to the bisexual guy talk about his semi-annual visits to the health center to get tested for STDs. I listened to the straight girl talk about her experience as a one-night stand, and on and on. And while each of the panelists talked about these things with what sounded like confidence and unconcern, it occured to me that each of them were carrying some BIG burdens, whether they realized it or not. I heard in their stories A LOT of shame... fear... guilt... anxiety... brokeness... emptiness. Why else would the guy not tell his girlfriend if it were not for fear or shame? Why else would the girl keep looking for fulfillment in one-night stands if it were not for emptiness? It was like this lightbulb went off for me.

Sure, God tells us to abstain from sex, drugs, drunkenness, lying, cheating, etc because He'd prefer to keep us out of jail and to keep children inside the marriage covenant. But, His commands are so much bigger than that. He wants to keep us free from guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, brokenness, emptiness, etc. He designed us to be free from those things. And HE realizes that things such as casual sex and drunkennes result in those damaging emotions and experiences, even when most of us can't see it... even when most of us can argue it away that that really only happens to people who "have a problem" or who "are desperate." It was crazy to me that the other panelists didn't even realize the burdens that they were carrying because they had just gotten so used to the weight of their load.

God desires freedom for us. We were designed to live and to love freely... unhindered by the mess of sin. And so God's rules and laws are meant to try to catch us before our human nature would inevitably trip. He knows that we are mostly blind to the symptoms of the problem, so He tells us to just avoid the problem all together. And sure, maybe that's a buzzkill. But, let me tell you, I have never felt such freedom as when I was sitting on that panel and realizing what my obedience to God had spared me from. I praised God that day, and still do, for using the sex panel to stamp into my heart the truth that "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." - Galatians 5:1