Grace, by M

So, W has been totally dropping the ball lately on updating this blog... which is annoying to me because I'm the one busy and working every night on wedding stuff! Perhaps this public shaming will motivate her to get back with it.

Anyway, per my last post... I've been thinking about grace a lot lately. I think this is because relationships (and dare I say engagement and marriage in particular) have a unique way of showing you just how much you need it. One of me and my fiance's favorite pastors is Tommy Nelson from Denton Bible Church, who did an awesome marriage sermon series several years ago on Song of Solomon. (Seriously, go download it for free on iTunes... now!). Anyway, in one of the sermons, Tommy says that being sinful and being single is like one hand clapping... you have faults and issues but you just don't know it yet. Preparing for marriage and being married means that all of a sudden your sin has something to "clap against"... and it becomes suddenly much more obvious what all of your issues are. I'm beginning to think that this is true.

And I'm not talking about all these big, dramatic things... just small realizations of "man, I guess I really am selfish" or "maybe I do have a lot of pride" etc etc because all of these things start meeting resistance... they start getting in the way. This is part of the beauty and purpose marriage, so it's not necessarily bad, just the name of the game, I suppose. All of this to say... I'm learning a lot about grace these days.

Earlier this week I read a post from one of the blogs that I regularly follow... it has haunted me ever since. Here's what it said:

"William Kitchens was executed in 2000 for the rape and murder of Patricia Webb.
 

These were his final words:

I just don’t know how to tell y’all I am sorry for what I did. There is no way for expressing I am sorry. I just hope that in some kind of way that y’all can move on and find peace in your life.

The Lord has given me peace and that is all that I pray for is that y’all can find that peace. I just want you to know that I am sorry for what I done. I can’t change that, all I can do is say I am sorry, that’s nothing for what I have done. I can’t replace your loss. I am sorry. I just want you to know that I love all of y’all. It’s been a pleasure, y’all just keep on with life, it’s gonna be good. The Lord’s gonna be with us.

If it’s alright, I just want to say a prayer first. Father, God, I just thank you for the time that you have given me on this earth, for having mercy on somebody like me for all the despicable thing’s I’ve done in my life, Father, but you still with your love and your mercy reach down into my heart and changed it before it’s too late.

I ask that you bestow peace upon the family of Patricia Webb, that you let them know, Father, that you are in a place where they can obtain that peace, and you will help them move on in their life, Father. Help them, Father, to find it in their hearts, not for my sake , but for yours, and their sake to, Father, find it in their heart to forgive me for what I have done.

Father, I just ask that you be with my family and comfort them to move on Father. Father, we are all here today for the mistake that I have made and I thank you for your mercy for sending your Son into this life, that we might come to know you, Father. Father, I pray for these Wardens and the officers and the people that deal with all of this, Father, I ask that you touch their hearts, Father, and if there is any wrong to it, that you will forgive them, Father. Just let them know that you love them, Father, and that You are the way. I just thank you and in Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen. I love y’all, y’all take care. I am so sorry.

My prayer is that all of us will remember just how desperately in need of grace we are.  We need forgiveness as much as William Kitchens.  We need radical mercy." - http://www.fabsharford.com/final-words-of-a-man-like-me/

 

I just cannot get this story out of my head.  I think it's because I can't believe how much faith this guy had on his dying day (literally). I can't get over how confident he was that God had forgiven him, that God did love him regardless of his actions, and that he could find peace and comfort in God's grace. It is an incredible story of incredible faith! And, if I'm honest with myself, it's also a bit convicting. When I fail and when I fall, do I accept God's grace or do I wallow in guilt and shame? Do I proclaim the good news of forgiveness and mercy or do I spend my energy feeling bad and beating myself up?

I want to take a cue from this man... a murderer beloved and redeemed by an awesome God. Amazing.

Being a Ragamuffin, by M

As I think back on my (few) years of adult life thus far, I'm able to recall a couple of seasons in which I was absolutely sure that God was trying to get my attention about something. Although I'm guessing that this actually happens far more than I realize... there have been a few instances in which I was tuned in enough (or perhaps God was sufficiently loud enough) to turn my attention definitively towards Him and what He wanted me to learn. In the last couple of weeks, it has become clear to me that I once again find myself in such a season. God seems to be coming at me from all sides and in all manner of ways with this one request... learn that you are a ragamuffin. Know that I love you anyway.

I think that probably sounds dramatic, but stay with me! It seems as though every book I read, every sermon I listen to, every song that plays through my Pandora is speaking to me on this theme. And what great timing too - as my ongoing adjustment to being the "new girl" in full-time ministry, wedding planning, wife-preparedness, etc leaves me often feeling that I am far from perfect and prone to come up short. As a recovering perfectionist, this sense of personal/professional "failure" is familiar territory; however, God is showing me that my response to it must be learned anew.

My small group has been reading Brennan Manning's best-selling The Ragamuffin Gospel for the past two months. I had been familiar with the book for several years but had never actually ventured to read it until just now. Having loved one of Manning's other classics Abba's Child, I felt confident that this book would probably rock my world and/or give me a good old punch to the gut. The truth is, I was right. Manning speaks about God's love and grace in a way that we just don't hear much now-a-days. He begs his readers to ponder the question, "do you truly believe the Gospel is good news?" 

Here's one story from the book that really spoke to me. Manning, a recovering alcoholic, relays an astounding demonstration of grace that he was witness to one evening:

"On a sweltering summer night in New Orleans, sixteen recovering drug addicts and alcoholics gather for their weekly AA meeting... They have been meeting on Tuesday nights for several years and they know each other well. Some talk to each other daily on the telephone, others socialize outside the meetings. The personal investment in one another's sobriety is sizable... That night, Jack was the appointed leader. 'The theme I would like to talk about tonight is gratitude' he began, 'but if anyone wants to talk about something else, let's hear it.' 

Immediately Phil's hand shot up.

'As you all know, last week I went up to Pennsylvania to visit family and missed the meeting. You know I have been sober for seven years. Last Monday I got drunk and stayed drunk for five days.'

The only sound in the room was the drip of Mr. Coffee in the corner.

'You all know the buzzword H.A.L.T in this program,' he continued. 'Don't let yourself get hungry, angry, lonely, or tired or you will be very vulnerable for the first drink. The last three got to me. I unplugged the jug and...' 

Phil's voice choked and he lowered his head. I glanced around the table - moist eyes, tears of compassion, soft sobbing the only sound in the room. 

'The same thing happened to me, Phil, but I stayed drunk for a year.'

'Thank God you're back.'

'Boy, that took a lot of guts.'

'Relapse spells relief, Phil,' said a substance abuse counselor. 'Let's get together tomorrow and figure out what you needed relief from and why.'

'I'm so proud of you.'

'Hell, I never made it even close to seven years.'

As the meeting ended, Phil stood up. He felt a hand on his shoulder, another on his face. Then kisses on his eyes, forehead, neck, and cheek. 'You old ragamuffin,' said Denise. 'Let's go. I'm treating you to a banana split at the Tastee Freeze." 

-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel pages 66-68

As I read this story the first time around, I caught myself holding my breath as this man revealed his sin to his peers. I anticipated them to react in anger and betrayal... "how could you?" "How could you do this to us?" I expected Phil to likely be kicked out of the group and invited back only when he got his life a little more together. Instead, the reactions of his fellow members floored me. I couldn't believe how quickly they were to not only forgive Phil, not only to show him mercy, but to show him such beautiful grace and love. It makes me really question why the Church does not very often act similarly to the mistakes and sins of her members? 

On top of that, however, is the question of "do I really believe that that is how God reacts to me in my sin?" Manning argues (with hefty scriptural support throughout the book) that the tenderness and love exemplified by those recovering alcoholics is just a small slice of the grace, mercy, and love that God has for us. Do I really believe that? 

Most of the time, I feel like I don't. I know in my brain that God loves me and that I need his grace to be saved through my faith in His son Jesus. But do I live and breathe as though God desperately desires to lavish his love on me and be just like that dad that kisses his daughter's "boo-boos"? Especially those wounds, those mistakes, those sins, those let-downs, etc that I bring upon myself? I am learning that I will never be more or less in His eyes than that small child with the skinned knee who makes messes, who runs away, and who does all sorts of things because she just doesn't know better. And yet, He is not waiting for me to "grow up." He's not waiting for me to get it together, or reach perfection, or just cut it out. Instead, He says "Come here. Let me comfort you. I love you... it's okay."

...and even if that conversation happens 100 times a day, every day for my whole life, He just desires that I keep coming back. He is the Comforter, the Redeemer, the Forgiver, and more... That is good news! And now I am in the process of learning how to rest in it.

Grace and Gratitude, by M

First of all, can I just say that I thought W's last post was fantastic!? That sets a pretty high standard... lots to live up to! Go read it if you haven't already!

Grace... you know, probably the best description that I've ever heard of what exactly grace is was a brief summary of the story of Elisabeth Elliot. (Remember her? Yes, I'm still a bit obsessed.) I don't even remember which book or blog or journal or song or whatever introduced me to her grace... grace like this. But it really, really changed my thinking about grace. Specifically, it helped me to understand the difference between grace and that other oft-referenced word - mercy.

Here's my brief attempt at summarizing (I really wish I could remember so I could share the exact quote! Maybe it'll come to me...) The story of Elisabeth Elliot goes like this:

She felt called as a young girl to follow Christ and be a missionary for Him. In college, she met her future husband, Jim Elliot, and they began what would turn out to be a 5-year courtship while both earnestly prayed for discernment about whether marriage and missions were in God's plan for them. Eventually (again, after 5 longgggg years) they both found themselves in Ecuador, and, after spending some time apart in separate rain forests on different sides of the Andes, were married. (Go read Passion and Purity and get all the details on their courtship. It is a fascinating case study in patience and faith!) They enjoyed 3ish years of blissful married life (bear in mind, these two didn't even kiss or hold hands pre-engagement...), had a daughter, and then Jim Elliot was savagely murdered by the native people he was trying to reach with the gospel. They drove a spear through his heart when he and Elisabeth's daughter was only 10 months old. It is an absolutely heartbreaking story.

Here's where grace comes in, though. Elisabeth Elliot had a couple of choices for how to respond after her husband's murder. She could've chosen bitterness. She could have chosen tolerance. She could have chosen forgiveness. She could have chosen mercy. Instead, she chose grace. You see, mercy means letting someone off the hook for the consequence that is owed them. Elisabeth Elliot could have been very merciful, and told the murderers that she forgived them, wiped away any feelings of bitterness she had towards them, and gone on with her life praying for their souls. She did all this... and then she took it a step further. She continued to live with these people, with her husbands murderers for many years. She raised her daughter among their tribe. She taught them English, prayed with them... she gave her husband's murderers, their wives, and their children hair cuts. That's grace.

While mercy is just sparing someone from what's coming to them, grace is giving someone what they don't deserve. The haircuts? It blows my mind.

I like that story because sometimes when we hear about God's grace, it becomes like a broken record that loses its meaning. I mean, of course God gives us grace... that's like His job. That's what makes God, God. But to think about grace in the context of Elisabeth Elliot makes the sacrifice of grace real again. It makes the reality of its undeservedness very clear.

Lately I have felt blessed by the gift of gratitude for this grace. I've made it a point to say "gift of gratitude" because I know this gratitude is not coming from my own heart! For example, on Monday of this week, I started my "early hours" back up at work... this means waking up an hour and a half earlier than I have had to wake up all summer. My initial reaction is to be bitter and annoyed; the temptation is to be upset at God and life for taking away something that I really loved and enjoyed. However, recently I've been able to look at my life through a clearer lens of gratitude. I can take this situation and earnestly, honestly say to myself and to God "wow, how lucky to have 3 months of sleeping in. Praise God for this summertime treat!" The same goes for many other situations and circumstances I've encountered lately. My boss (who's not a Christian) likes to remark about my consistent positive attitude/optimism... but I think it really is all about gratitude.

God doesn't owe me anything. He doesn't owe me an 8am wake-up call, He doesn't owe me vacation time... He doesn't even owe me a job at all, or an able body for work. It's easy to become entitlted; it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that God serves us and not that we serve Him. So these days I'm enjoying this gift of gratitude and trying to cultivate it. I want to be known as a person who is not upset, frustrated, angry, or bitter... but one that gives praise and witness to God through my gratitude and recognition of His grace. We all have plenty to be grateful for... not the least of which (certainly!) is Christ's death on the cross for our sins. All of the rest is just icing on the cake!