Taking a Step Back

Sorry that I (W) have been MIA as of late. My wedding is in 12 short days, and we have been busy here on the home front, alternatively known as "Wedding Central." We have been re-printing programs, making trips to the venue to drop off decorations, writing to-do lists and calling vendors... if you've ever planned a wedding, you know how it goes.

That said, something I often do to help me feel more grounded and in control is reading. As you might have guessed from our various posts, M and I LOVE to read. We typically read spiritual books, memoirs, or, as M mentioned in her last post, books of the self-help variety.

As the wedding has inched closer, I have been given a myriad of books on the topics of marriage, love, and commitment. I have delved into nearly all at this point, and rather than feeling reassured, I leave each book feeling more nervous and terrible that ever.

Why? Because each book just solidifies how HARD it is to be married, how much can go wrong, and here are the 4 (...or 12) things that you absolutely must do without a doubt to make sure you never get a divorce.

Simple enough, right? It is until you read five books that all have 12 suggestions and all of a sudden you spend hours laying in bed at night thinking how your fiance T is going to subconsciously ruin your marriage because he doesn't know the 4 Horsemen of Conflict (Criticism, Concept, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling) or how to love you in you love language (words of affirmation) instead of his (gift giving).  And then you wonder how to bring up all of these super important, definitely need-to-know pieces of marriage advice to said fiance without being ridiculous. I literally wondered how many post-it notes I could stick to the fridge or mirror without seeming like I am not-so-subtly trying to change T out of the bad person that he simply must be since he hasn't studied up on marriage.

I imagined tailoring the notes I stick in his lunch box. "Hi sweetie! Have a great day! Also remember that Henry Cloud says one of the greatest gifts we can give one another is the gift of honest confrontation!"

Right.

After this mania reached a head last night, I decided I needed to take a step back. I needed to realize that these marriage rules are guidelines, that they are pieces of advice that have worked for other people but that may not work at all for us, much less all of them all of the time.

I needed to remember that T and I have been great so far, keeping our promises of truth and transparency, trying to put each other's needs first, and showing grace to for our respective faults. Why do I believe that when we get married next week (!!!)  all of sudden I need to protect us against what feels like an impending downfall of who-knows-what that can only be avoided by adhering to marriage best-practices from a who's-who's of Christian leadership.

It's exhausting. And that's why I'm taking a step back. So I can view T on our wedding day as an imperfect person who is trying his best of keep us together and love me the right way, rather than as a man who is bound to get tripped up in the riptide of relational downturn simply because he hasn't read the books.

I think we'll be fine. And then, if I need to, I'll consult the books. But only if we need to.