My Heart Today

It's W today. I've been busy lately, and two of T's bosses have been on vacation for several days so his workload has lessened to the point where I have a husband who's home at 7pm for consecutive nights! It's been crazy and awesome. FYI, it's also still weird to say the phrase "I have a husband."

I had planned all week to write this big post about work-- mainly in reference to my spending 2 hours at the DMV this week-- and how the Lord calls us to work as though we were working for Him and not for man. I was all set to give my usual, "This is your JOB!" rant about people (i.e. those at the DMV) who have no passion for their jobs and who aren't even kind to the people they serve. People who duck out of work early and who text and facebook on the job and who breathe with their mouths open and don't even pretend that they're glad to be there.

Alas, my heart's not in it today. Not that I don't love telling other people how to do their jobs and how they should behave (and breathe, for that matter)-- because, Lord knows, I do. Judgement and I-know-everything attitude included. But today, my heart and my mind are focused on the reality that I am no longer in control of my future.

I know, I know-- that's a pretty dramatic statement. And in reality, anyone who is a follower of Christ should offer up their future to whatever God's will may be. But I'm not talking about that-- I'm talking about marriage.

It hit me hard yesterday that my life is now tied with T's, and our livelihood and the livelihood of our future family is dependent on T's job and not mine, and this means that I go where he goes, and he goes where the job of choice happens to be.

And it hit me that I may never live in Nashville again. Even though it is one of the strongest desires of my heart. Even though, if I were single, I'd move there in a heartbeat and get my masters in the education of students with visual impairments and vandy would pay for it. Even though I daydream about being back where it's warm, and back where my community is, and back where the cost of living is reasonable and where I can go to Trader Joe's without parking in a parking garage.

It hit me that I may never get a full-time job at Special Olympics, because my networking contacts are all in Tennessee rather than Illinois.

It hit me that in a few years I probably won't be working anyway.

And I KNEW all of this going in, and I am happy that I married T, and I'd rather be with him and be in Chicago than be anywhere else, doing anything else. And yes, my desires matter and my dreams and ideas have input. But when it comes down to it, if there's a job for him here (or in Dallas, or in Charlotte) and no where else, than that's where we go.

And that's the reality that I am settling into-- the reality that my life isn't all about my needs and my wants and getting things my way (and frankly, it's not T's way either-- he doesn't want to go to Dallas or Charlotte or wherever we end up just as much as I don't), but it's about following God's plan for our lives rather than just my own.

And this is where I begin to understand that God's design for marriage is to make us holy rather than happy, and what it means to deny oneself for the sake of God's will even if it doesn't align with our own desires.

But man, I want to get back to Nashville.

And that's what's on my heart today.