It's W, obviously. Talking about marriage again. We've made it 7 months so clearly I have lot of knowledge to give (ha!). Thanks for indulging my desire to share my new lessons along the way.
In any case, I never really thought I'd have a problem trusting my spouse. I mean, T is SUPER trustworthy. He comes through when he says he will, he is very careful to only make promises that he can keep, he is better than I am at refusing to tell those little white lies that we all assume are meaningless (...does he really HAVE to know I ate Taco Bell for lunch again this week?!), and he's all-around an incredibly honorable guy.
I've always trusted him in the sense that I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, or secretly spend all of our money, or get caught in a underground black market stock trading scandal that I was blissfully unaware of.
I thought that trust was the least of our issues, with more pressing topics of concern being our ongoing battle of who steals more of the covers, and why T feels the need to wash (or rather, feels the need for ME to wash) every single article of clothing that has touched his skin for at least 3.5 seconds once.
But man, I don't think I really got it before I was married and particularly, before T started looking for a new job.
Right now, I have pretty much no control over what our life looks like in 4 months when T finishes his two-year investment banking commitment. Those of you who know me AT ALL know that I can be a bit of a perfectionist and control freak, and it is killing me that there might be major changes coming our way that are unknown AND out of my control. It's hard being married and having dreams (a spouse that comes home for dinner every night, a house with a yard and a puppy, a community where I have friends...) and not having any way, personally, to acheive them. These dreams are largely dependent on where my husband gets a job, what its hours are, and how much it pays. And granted, T is trying his absolute best to find a job that meets these criteria because he knows they are so important to me, but at the end of the day, it's T's business.
I can't write his cover letters, or do his interviews, or craft his thank you notes. I can't decide which jobs fit his skills because I am not remotely knowledgable about what he does and what sort of potential jobs would align. I can't make sure he's on time for his interviews, or that his phone won't cut out, or that he balances how much he talks versus how much they talk. I have a ton of skills from my major about finding a job, interview skills, winning people over...and I can't use them. I have to trust that HE will perform. And it has been hard for me.
I've always been one of those people who subscribes to the belief that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. I want this stuff to work out-- and I have to trust T to do it right because there's nothing I can go but sit and wait. Patience is not my strongest virtue.
Case in point-- T is flying to another state for a final-round interview today. His flight was at 9:20am. At 7:45am he was still in the apartment messing with his belt. If it were ME, I would've been out that door by 7:15 at the latest. It's rush hour, Chicago traffic is horrendous, my last time at Midway the security line took me an hour and a half and I would've known that whether I made the flight wasn't just about me but about my spouse and our future and our family...and I had to bite my tongue and just wait. Because T is a competent adult and I have to trust him. Even if he should've just fiddled with the darn belt in the elevator or in a cab, in my opinion.
And he made the flight, with plenty of time to spare, and I'm sure he'll do an awesome job because he's brilliant and seriously one of the most competent people I know at everything he's ever tried. But it's been so hard for me to sit idly by and trust him to achieve MY dreams through HIS next job.
Prayers for patience and trust would be appreciated. Prayers that he gets a job would be great as well!