I was on a "sex panel" my senior year of college. I'm not sure if that story ever got back to my family, so heads up mom and grandma if you're reading this! But really, it's a true story. One of my majors was Communications, and I chose to pursue a focus in how the mass media represent gender and sexuality. I loved it and thought it was SO interesting... although it did occasionally get a little awkward when I'd go home to my great, Christian roommates and have to explain why I was carrying an armful of books about Playboy, for example.
ANYWAY, I ended up taking more than a few classes in gender and sexuality studies, and that, my friends, is the first step to ending up as a featured member of a sex panel. See, one of my classmates was putting together this panel for one of her other classes, and she was looking for a variety of different panelists. Knowing that I likely was one of the only wait-until-marriage types that she encountered in her classes, I offered myself up as the resident Christian-abstainer (ha!) in case they wanted one. Turns out they did, and next thing you know I'm telling 400 strangers about my sex life, or lack thereof. It was... an experience.
I went into it kind of intrigued and a little nervous... but honestly, not expecting to be that surprised. You see, my other major was Theatre, so I pretty much surrounded myself with lots of people who had a variety of different experiences, orientations and preferences. I was up front with my friends about my choices and Christianness and they were up front about their choices - which were often, highly contrary to mine. I loved it and felt very much like it was my mission field. I miss it, honestly. But anyway, the panel was made up of two abstainers, a straight guy and girl, a gay guy and girl, and one guy who identified as bisexual. Two of the other panelists were my friends... the gay ones.
So I went into the panel with this grand idea that God was going to use me to reach these 500 people in attendance. I just knew that the whole point of the panel was so that I could tell all of my peers about the better way that can be found in Him. And, you know what, I hope that He accomplished that. But, God is funny sometimes. What I didn't anticipate is that God was planning to reach me through the experience as well. I learned a lesson that day that I definitely didn't see coming, and it's been one that has stayed with me and shaped my faith journey ever since.
You see, sometimes it's easy to think of God as this giant buzz-kill. Even as a Christian I've entertained a fleeting thought that life would've just been easier if I could go along doing my own thing and then accept Christ when I'm like 90. I mean, it's tough sometimes! It's called the narrow way for a reason, I believe! And sometimes we look at all these rules that God sets out for His followers and it's just... lame. Sometimes it seems like God is withholding just for the point of making Christians into lame, prude, not-fun-having people. Not cool.
And we've all heard the arguments before... "God just wants to protect you." "He lays out these rules because He loves you." "Trust us, it's a better way for His chosen people." But honestly, sometimes those arguments don't quite cut it. It's easy to see how in telling us not to behave in drunkenness that God is protecting us from injuries and unplanned pregnancies, sure. It's easy to see how in telling us not to lie and cheat and He's saving us from spending our whole lives in jail. BUT, really... most of us probably wouldn't have ended up with unplanned babies or in jail anyway. So, what about that?
But, as I sat on the sex panel and listened to the other panelists share their stories and experiences, something struck me like a brick. I listened to the straight guy talk about his 20-30 partners and how he "prefers to just not share that number with his current girlfriend." I listened to the bisexual guy talk about his semi-annual visits to the health center to get tested for STDs. I listened to the straight girl talk about her experience as a one-night stand, and on and on. And while each of the panelists talked about these things with what sounded like confidence and unconcern, it occured to me that each of them were carrying some BIG burdens, whether they realized it or not. I heard in their stories A LOT of shame... fear... guilt... anxiety... brokeness... emptiness. Why else would the guy not tell his girlfriend if it were not for fear or shame? Why else would the girl keep looking for fulfillment in one-night stands if it were not for emptiness? It was like this lightbulb went off for me.
Sure, God tells us to abstain from sex, drugs, drunkenness, lying, cheating, etc because He'd prefer to keep us out of jail and to keep children inside the marriage covenant. But, His commands are so much bigger than that. He wants to keep us free from guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, brokenness, emptiness, etc. He designed us to be free from those things. And HE realizes that things such as casual sex and drunkennes result in those damaging emotions and experiences, even when most of us can't see it... even when most of us can argue it away that that really only happens to people who "have a problem" or who "are desperate." It was crazy to me that the other panelists didn't even realize the burdens that they were carrying because they had just gotten so used to the weight of their load.
God desires freedom for us. We were designed to live and to love freely... unhindered by the mess of sin. And so God's rules and laws are meant to try to catch us before our human nature would inevitably trip. He knows that we are mostly blind to the symptoms of the problem, so He tells us to just avoid the problem all together. And sure, maybe that's a buzzkill. But, let me tell you, I have never felt such freedom as when I was sitting on that panel and realizing what my obedience to God had spared me from. I praised God that day, and still do, for using the sex panel to stamp into my heart the truth that "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." - Galatians 5:1
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