The "Working: Serving" Trap

Before I really get into this post, please take a minute to scroll down and view M's last post. Why?

Cause she's engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woooo! My excitement level is so high about this, and our family just loves her new fiance and we couldn't be happier for them as they plan their life together. Plus, she also posted some great pictures. So if you didn't see the post before this one, now's your chance to skip on down to the bottom of this post and view it for yourself.

Alright, back to the topic at hand.

I've been feeling really convicted lately about how self-righteous I can get about working in a service profession. In fact, my last several jobs have all been in service professions-- teaching, teaching, more teaching and now I'm at a non-profit. And not just any non-profit, but one that directly serves a population that Jesus showed extreme care for and attention to: people with disabilities.

I LOVE my job. I probably love my job more than anyone else loves their jobs. I truly believe that I was made for this work and that the Lord has blessed me abundantly by allowing me to do it. This job truly represents the intersection of my gifts and passions with a huge need in our schools and communities. I love it more than I ever thought I could possibly love a job.

And yet, it's way too easy for me to jump on the "holier than thou" train because of it. Because clearly, I am "the hands and feet" out there in the field while y'all sit in your offices drinking your iced coffees and making two or three times more money than I do. Oh yeah, and being praised by society for climbing the economic ladder and adding value.

My office doesn't even have a color printer and consistently smells like the bathroom it sits next to. Woe is me.

Sometimes it feels like the trade-off for the lack of prestige or money that comes from working in a service profession is this idea (that we secretly internalize) that hey, at least we're better people. We come to believe that the Lord probably loves us more, or regards us more highly, or excuses us from our other obligations as Christians because we believe, in our own minds and hearts, that we sacrifice so much more than others in order to do His work.

Anyone else? Or just me?

What the Lord has been showing me recently is the danger of comparison. What the Lord requires of me is LOVE, all day and every day, regardless of what I've already done or what I view other people have not.

He's also showing me that being faithful isn't a matter of filling a daily quota.

It's become to easy for me to shrug off a whisper from the Lord with the excuse of, "Haven't I already given enough? I spend all day serving the "least of these!" And the answer is always no.

Regardless of the hours we work or don't work, the money we make or don't make, the people we touch or don't touch, the Lord's answer is always "do more." And he promises that he will give us the resources to do so.

So, that's what I'm working on this week-- I hope this will challenge some of you who also work in service professions to analyze your own hearts.

Serve on, fellow servers.... no matter where the Lord has planted you professionally.

Proverbs 18:22

Hey everyone!

Those that know me (or those that are at least my friends on facebook) are probably VERY familiar by now with the big news... BF and I got engaged last weekend!!! wooooooo hooooooooo!!!

I've resisted posting about it on here, halfway because I've been swamped with the beginnings of wedding planning and keeping up with all of the calls/texts/emails that have been coming my way, but halfway because I'm just not sure quite what to say. As I've come to find, being engaged brings with it a flood of emotions about a variety of different things... and it's hard (at this moment at least) to synthesize it. Suffice it to say that there will likely be many engagement/wedding/marriage-themed posts in the coming months.

(I also haven't even posted at all about my new job... which is awesome, by the way!) 

So, I guess BF needs a new name on here, and this is getting complicated because his name would be W, except that's already taken. Instead, let's go with V... which kind of suggests that his name is Vladimir or something, but whatever. Anyway, V did a PHENOMENAL job with the proposal and anyone who is my friend on facebook (or, even a "friend of a friend") should stop what you are doing and login to see the whole story in pictures. I think it's more fun to learn the story that way, and it also makes things easier for me. Win-win! Also, W will probably be helping me make a wedding website soon, so perhaps stay tuned for that if you want to know more. 

Before I forget... did y'all like the title? Proverbs 18:22 - "He who finds a wife finds what is good..." Yippee!

For those of you who can't access the photo album on facebook, I thought I'd lift the veil (haha wedding pun!) on this mysterious fiance of mine... so, here he is! I know I've posted about him from time to time on here (although, not much, in an effort to respect his privacy) but I don't think I've given him full, public credit for how wonderful he is. Truly, he is the kind of man that many single gals (myself included, before I met him!) doubt exists - he is sweet, smart, godly, creative, funny, romantic, a great communicator, and so much more. He treats me like a princess and makes me feel so secure and so safe. No games and no drama is our motto! haha We both knew from very early on that we thought it was the right thing, and I am so thrilled to know that we were right! We love how God has written our stories to prepare us for each other and we look forward to the chapters that are to come. 

Thank you to so many of you who have encouraged us along the way, and to all those who have already shared in this special time with us. We feel so loved and so blessed! 

My Journey with Christianity and Mental Illness

So remember how I (W) gave y'all that list of all the profound topics that I was going to write about now that I've settled in to my new house/job/state and have internet?

Yeah...those are going to have to wait.

My posts on this blog are typically very carefully crafted. I think about my main points, revise for clarity, and otherwise try to make myself look like a well-read, put-together, good Christian. And that's because I like to think of myself as one. But at the same time, those posts are probably not doing any favors for those of you who, like myself, STRUGGLE sometimes. So allow me to bring the nitty-gritty truth to the blog tonight:

I have been on an anti-depressant for the last 4.5 years.

Well, I was. Until 4 days ago. But let's start at the beginning, because I think it's important that someone in the Christian community finally stands up to try to end the stigma of mental illness/mental health issues in the church.

I started having anxiety issues my freshman year of college. It was probably due to several factors, not the least of which included splitting up from M for the first time ever. I developed a severe phobia of cancer, and for about a year and a half was I whole-hardheartedly convinced that I not only had cancer, but was actively dying from it. It got to the point where I started believing each night that I might not wake up the next morning. Did I have any real evidence of this? No. Did I see a doctor about this? To convince me that I did not have cancer and was not dying? No. Did I tell my parents? No. I lived with chronic fear and anxiety for months until a pulled muscle in my chest (furniture moving gone wrong) prompted a chest X-ray which revealed, much to my surprise-- NOTHING.

I started to see a therapist after that. I've seen 5 therapists intermittently during the last 7 years.

Looking back, I was suffering from a classic phobic disorder. Through talk therapy, I slowly got over it and moved on with my life. I treated that whole thing as sort of a weird, isolated episode of who-knows-what. Because obviously well-read, put-together, good Christians don't struggle with stuff like this, so it must have been some kind of fluke.

Fast forward 2 years. I transferred schools, found an awesome friend group, and started dating a much sought-after guy. And then the anxiety came back, and this time it wasn't the crippling fear of a phobia, but the antsy, heart-pounding panic that something is about to go terribly wrong at any moment. I fought it for a while-- praying, talking to M, seeing another therapist, reading self-help books-- and then I started losing the fight. I felt nauseous all the time and I lost a bunch of weight. I had so much anxiety that I would immediately start dry-heaving first thing upon waking in the morning.

I went to a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and put me on Zoloft.

I ditched my summer plans for a trip to Argentina, broke up with the boyfriend, and started seeing ANOTHER counselor. And slowly but surely, I started to get better. I gained some weight back, I started to sleep better, and I decided that instead of being another fluke (...is there such a thing?), this episode indicated that my brain was broken.

Fast forward another two years. I graduated college, moved to a giant new city, and started the worst job ever (for me at least.Teach for America. There, I said it). This time is wasn't the fear or the panic moving in-- it was the dread. It was like carrying a 40 pound weight with me wherever I went. I started to count as a victory any day that I didn't cry at school, because counting those when I didn't cry at all was simply too small a number.

I saw ANOTHER therapist.

I quit my job, moved out of my ant-infested apartment, got married to the best man there is (oh, hey T!) and eventually found my dream job. A year later, I have my dream man and my dream job in my dream house in my dream city. And you know what that means?

I decided it was time to wean off of the anti-depressants.

It's been 4 days since I finished my last bit of the weaning. To tell you the truth? I feel like CRAP. I'm only now realizing how much of a legitimate drug I was taking because I'm truly in the withdrawal stage-- headache, dizziness, occasional heart palpitations, and brain fog. The last four days have been rough. And I'm hopeful that a few days/weeks/months down the line, I'll feel awesome and proud of myself and all that jazz. But today, I feel sick and tired (literally) and also sick and tired of feeling like I can't even tell anyone that I'm feeling so poorly because I don't want anyone to know that I have struggled with anxiety or medication for it.

And I'm telling you this because seriously, no one in my Christian community has EVER told me their story of being put on or deciding to get off of anti-depressants unless I bring it up first. And then they let out a sigh of relief that someone else will offer support and not judgement.

This is my testimony. That I am a Christian, and that in certain periods of my life, prayer and community groups and self-help books were not enough to keep me in a healthy, productive state of mind. That I believe treating mental illness with medication is no less holy than treating diabetes with insulin or a broken leg with a cast if all other options have been pursued and come up short. That God STILL made me perfectly even though I have this thorn in my side, and that this thorn keeps me closer to Him than anything else in my life.


I'll keep you updated about the process of becoming medication-free. In the meantime, you're prayers are welcome, and your understanding (about my struggles, and about the reality of the issue of mental illness within the church) is encouraged.

And that is the nitty-gritty truth.

I'm Baaaaack!

Whew, that was quite a ride. Both the 6 weeks of constant traveling after I, W, left my job in Chicago in June, and the 6 weeks here in Nashville for which I haven't had internet. You read that right! 6 weeks with NO internet. As of today, Comcast finally came through! As a result, we no longer have cable. You win some, you lose some I guess.

I'm sorry for the crazy delay. I have a TON of thoughts about change, starting our 2nd year of marriage, God's faithfulness during the last two years, why it's important to have community, my thoughts about feeling the Lord's presence in Rome...but for now, there's more waiting. Gotta go get dinner with my husband (who is not at work on the weekends!) and my brother-in-law (who we've been reunited with in the same town!).

Thanks for your patience!

Dressing for Church, by M

A friend asked me recently whether I would date someone who didn’t go to my church. I responded with the following “I’m not limiting myself to just the people who attend my church; if I meet someone at the gas station that qualifies (see post on the dating covenant lol) I’d go for it. That said, the chances of finding said man are exponentially higher at church than they are anywhere else.” Which brings me to the topic of today’s post… dressing for church.

It’s come to my attention recently that dressing for church is a big deal. Like an “I might meet my future hubby today” big deal. What one does or doesn’t wear to church is of utmost importance… it can determine the entire trajectory of your future for better or worse! One must take careful consideration when picking the outfit and accessories, because one wrong move can send the wrong signal to someone who just might be the right person. What to do?!

In my casual observation, I’ve noticed a few different breeds of (presumably single) women that I would like to reference for this point:

1) Ms. Conservative Denomination: There are actually a whole load of subtypes within this type, ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other according to their former orthodoxy. On one end? The skirt-to-the-ankles wearer, who might even don a hat in accordance with I Corinthians 11:5 – “And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head…” On the other end? Slacks and skirts, but never jeans, God forbid. This woman is winning hearts the right way with her “beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” and her fierce dedication to Christian traditionalism. Besides, doesn’t everyone know that denim is the enemy of God?

2) Ms. Modesty: often a close relative of the former type, this one prides herself on out-modestying every other woman in the building. She will not incite lust in any passerby, courtesy of her turtleneck, cardigan, knee-high socks, and/or scarf. Just in case, she avoids lace, prints, cutouts of any kind, and anything else that may be considered an “eye trap” of seduction. She’s not giving herself to any man other than her husband, especially because Jesus said that looking lustfully at a woman is the same as being an adulterer. This one is no home wrecker!

3) Ms. America: this woman is likely new to church and the church scene. She may not be spouting versus from 2 Timothy from memory, but she does know a thing or two about hooking a man. She often forgoes short skirts (great to dance in but difficult when sitting in a pew) but flashes some cleavage just to keep everyone on their toes. She knows she looks better than the stuffy covered-up Betty’s, and banks on the fact all these men experiencing abstinence-induced deprivation will surely notice. If they’re waiting until marriage, they might at least make it worth their while and find a wife with a smoking hot bod, right?

4) Ms. Secretly Seductive: okay, so she knows and mostly agrees with the whole purpose of God’s call to modesty, but she hates feeling like she’s potentially one step away from becoming a potato-sack wearing, soon-to-be cat lady. She does her best to not be overtly seductive, but she throws in a little something here and there just to… suggest… that maybe she’d look “darn” good were she not quite so modest. Favorites of this type include: stilettos, 2+ inches above-the-knee sundresses, colored bra straps, slightly undone hair, and strategically placed accessories. Men can feel comfortable bringing this type home to mom, while also showing her off to their non-Christian friends and getting mostly positive feedback from both. She’s pretty sure that this secretly seductive approach is how Ruth snagged Boaz… and she made it into the lineage of Jesus! Pretty sure that means God approves…

5) Ms. Song of Solomon: this girl knows that she is the bride of Christ and that He thinks there is no flaw in her. She puts almost no thought into what she wears to church, other than the occasional thought about what will look like she’s putting no thought into it. Her makeup is minimal, her hair usually up, and accessories? What accessories? Her heart is so close to God that a man needs to seek Him first in order to find her. Besides, she’s a great pick because she’ll look the same as a 45 year-old soccer mom as she does now… no surprises here!

Each of these types likely ropes in a different kind of God-fearing man. Which to choose?! Of course, we could all just not worry about it and trust God to bring us to the right man, even if we did happen to be wearing a sack cloth (and ashes?) when it happens, but where is the fun in that? What are we supposed to do in that case? Take all of the time we save by not shopping and not straightening our hair and , like, hang with orphans and sing hymns instead? …really?

Big News, by M

Are you all so tired of hearing from me? I realize today that W has not written in this blog in over TWO MONTHS. I think that means that her hiatus needs to be over... yesterday. Please feel free to put a little pressure on her if you know her in real life. =)

This one will be relatively quick. I just wanted to share with y'all that I have a very new and exciting update that I can't WAIT to tell the world about...

I got a new job!!!

Remember when I very melodramatically wrote this post only a few months ago? Well, God had something in store for me and like a true brat, I just couldn't trust him enough to wait in peace for it to be revealed. It very much reminds me of when I wrote this other post about how I sinfully believed that God didn't want to give me an awesome man and a beautiful love story, approximately 35 days before He actually... started to. Hmmmmmmmm I think I need a reality check. haha

But seriously, this job is a true God-send. It is absolutely a gift from a Father that loves each of us mightly and desires to bless us richly and use us to bless others. Let's hope I can remember that next time...

Starting two weeks from today, I will be joining the Singles Ministry team at my beloved church!!! FYI, "singles" can sometimes be a misnomer... as I've said here before, it's basically a ministry for anyone who is not currently married. So, the Singles ministry serves church attendees from 19 (or post-college) all the way up to seniors who may be unmarried due to death or divorce. There are engaged singles and single parents, too. So, it really is the biggest and farthest-reaching of all the ministries, even though it often seems like "singles" just means other people like me and my friends. It was a very serious vetting process - I went through 7 interviews, two personality profiles, and a 180-question psychological assesment. Let's just say that the whole process was very long and a huge test of my patience and faith. But, the wait is over and the verdict is in.... I am SO PUMPED!!!!

This job will be an answer to many of my prayers, and I can't wait to see the many ways that God will surprise me through it, too! All of you that know me know how much this church has meant to me and how much I believe in the good they are doing throughout my city and throughout the world... What an honor and privilege to join their ranks on staff.

Throughout the interview process, I made Psalm 16:2 my motto: "I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.'" Amen. HE IS GOOD!

Deceit, by M

I have a confession to make: ever since the news broke of the Colorado movie massacre last week, I have been totally hooked on reading the news articles about it. Like, I think I might need an intervention. I seem to have an unhealthy intrigue about the entire situation.

There is very much that can be said about the tragedy, and especially much that has to do with theology. I doubt I’m the only one who has been increasingly thinking and pondering questions of good and evil over the past few days. That said, I consider myself grossly under-qualified to tackle any of these questions, especially in a forum other than the one inside my own head. So, while my thoughts are swirling with "why?s," "how could he?s" and "what if?s"… I will keep those to myself.

Another question has been brought to light recently, however, and it is this… "Why am I drawn to learn so much about this?" Seriously. Why am I like a moth to this tragedy’s lamp? What does that say about me and my heart?

Upon reflection, I’ve realized that this is not an isolated circumstance, either. I realize that my middle school fascination with the Holocaust falls into the same camp, as does my college-age obsession with reading Caringbridge sites, as does my desire to click on any and all facebook pages that say "Praying for… so and so" or "RIP so and so." It’s like I just need more information. I need to know what exactly happened and, if I can figure it out, why.

Is this all making me sound like a creepy person? Probably. But I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way and reads these things.

So I’m talking to my BF last night, and as he starts to stage the aforementioned intervention, I find myself trying to explain or defend my attraction to this information. I admit that while exposing myself to such details of evil and brokenness surely amps up my daily level of fear… these articles also weirdly allay my fear in the moment. I realize that I gain a feeling of control over my life and my health when I read and process all the details of these tragedies, health crises, and disasters. Something tells me that knowing the details of whatever-it-may-be will somehow help me avoid or prevent it from happening in my own life.

Yet, that is a GIANT lie, isn’t it? More, it is a compilation of lies – that we can control our fate, that we can know when or how we die, that we can remotely attempt to change God’s path for us. This thinking suggests that God can’t be trusted to either protect us from harm or bring us into His glorious kingdom in His perfect timing. Everything about this way of thinking is contrary to what God tells us about ourselves and about Him.

In fact, this lie is the lie. Let’s go back to the Garden for a minute and revisit the story of Adam and Eve. When Eve is tempted by Satan, he tells her of eating the fruit: "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil" (Genesis 3:5). In fact, that very fruit tree is now referred to as "The tree of the knowledge of good and evil." And we all know that Adam and Eve took the fruit and ate… causing the fall of man, banishing themselves from the Garden, and inviting evil and sin into the world as we know it.

It’s easy to think of Adam and Eve as being very dumb in that moment. Why forfeit their everlasting life, their eternal communion with God, their peace, joy, and comfort for the knowledge of evil? What a bad trade-off. Yet, that is exactly what I’m doing, isn’t it? With every article I read, I am taking the fruit and listening to the lie that says "learn more of this evil… this knowledge will keep you safe," "take and digest this knowledge, it is good… you need it to live," "use this knowledge to take control over your life and death" … in essence, stop trusting God and start trusting yourself – "be like God."

Yikes. Clearly the great deceiver is still at work. "When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." (John 8:44)

In light of this revelation, I have made a commitment to myself: I will not be captivated by evil. I will not indulge the temptation that increased knowledge of evil will somehow protect or save me. For I already have a Savior and He has already rescued me from death and the power of sin. "But they have conquered him [Satan] by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they did not cling to life even in the face of death" (Revelation 12:11).

Amen.