Monday, September 19, 2011

An Ode to the Mega-Church, by M

Oh Mega-Church… how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…

1) I love your Sunday evening services. Thank you, mega-church, for granting me the ability to take Sunday as a second glorious day of sleeping in. I appreciate the opportunity to attend church and be wholly awake and alert for the message. I love being able to put forth my best cuteness effort, with more than 10 mere minutes to dress and do my hair. I can beat the rush for Sunday brunch and avoid crying babies and wiggly preschoolers. Love, love, love.

2) I love your worship music. Thank you for providing more than 6 barely-audible hymn singers to surround me. While sometimes the thumping bass resonates through my ribcage, I do enjoy the contemporary lyrics, electric guitar, and occasional fist pumps nonetheless. I like watching the diversity of worship – the fall-to-your-knees, charismatic former Pentecostals, the barely-moves and barely-sings former Catholic, the hands-in-the-air-wave-em-like-you-just-don’t-care born again. There truly is a place for everyone, and it’s loud enough that even the worst American Idol wanna-bes can’t really be heard. It’s just perfect.

3) I love your relevance. Dear mega-church… thank you for taking context into consideration. I love that you make God’s word as living and breathing as Jesus promises it to be. You do an admirable job of walking the line between fostering conviction and alienating non-believers. Even if you do claim to be non-partisan, I appreciate your secretly deliberate clues regarding political affiliation. Your use of hip and modern phrases like "DTR" and "Rock of Love" is charming. Thank you for this.

4) I love your elaborate set pieces and props. Honestly, who doesn’t want their mega-church jumbo-trons flanked by life-sized goal posts? The treadmill, the 20 pounds of skittles, the live camels… it all really helps drive home the life-or-death seriousness that is your eternal destiny. A special shout-out to designers of the worship music power points… I’m never more inspired than when I’m singing to Jesus and watching quiet streams flow through the wood, doves soaring over the faintest rainbows, or fields of wheat blowing gently in the breeze. Your creativity never ceases to amaze me.

5) Most of all, I love your singles ministry. Where else can I find such an assortment of attractive, single Jesus-loving men? The answer: absolutely nowhere, this side of Heaven. I reluctantly appreciate your "guidelines" for single male-female interaction, which closely resemble those of a middle-school dance. I trust that this is God’s best of us, even if we are full-grown adults, mostly capable of righteous decision-making without a curfew or a dress code. I will take your awkwardness and forced mingling and run with it… how else may I expect to meet a nice man? Wait for him to approach me as I strut gracefully towards the communion elements? That has yet to happen. As such, I love that you give us mostly attractive and yet somewhat desperate single adults a place to call home. I pray that I won’t lean on you forever.

In conclusion, mega-church, thank you for what you do. Thank you for your larger-than-life approach to winning souls for Jesus. I’m with ya… and so is 30% of my monthly tithe. Because, really, I don’t want the rest going towards unicycles and ping pong tables. Although, I do appreciate both. Really.

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