Thursday, September 27, 2012

Allowing Myself Time to Recalibrate

It's W. In case there was any doubt, M and I definitely are twins cause we always want to post on the same days. And when I see that she's already posted, I typically decide to save my thoughts for later... and then I never end up posting them and she gets mad at me. So, please make sure you read her post below this as well!

It's hard to believe that T and I have been here in Nashville for nearly 3 months already. That's a quarter of a year! The time has FLOWN by. We've had more visitors than the past 2 years combined, we bought a second car, are adjusting to having only one TV, finally got internet and cable at the same time after 7 weeks of waiting, and are settling into a new church and a new Community Group within that church.

And I find myself crying a fair amount. Maybe it's because I'm still adjusting to life without mood-stabilizing medication (that conversation begins a few posts back, if you're interested), but I also think that I underestimated how much work it was going to take to rearrange our lives to a "new normal," even in this city that we love so much.

In my mind, Nashville was the promised land. It was the light at the end of the tunnel for two long, sometimes dark, and often lonely years. It seemed out of grasp for a long, long time and then suddenly it wasn't. And suddenly we're here. And suddenly I'm realizing that while the grass is certainly greener here in many, many ways... in some ways it's not.

You mean I can't ACTUALLY have it all? Dang.

I've always had a really hard time with transitions. It seems to take me a lot longer to recalibrate than most other people. I have long used a particular example to illustrate my trouble with change-- it's like I'm stepping off of a moving carousel onto a treadmill at full speed. It takes me a pretty long while to regain my balance, figure out which way is up, find a steady pace, and become comfortable again.  I'm still in this recalibration phase here. And sometimes, it makes me cry.

I'm learning that just because people you care about live close to you in proximity, it doesn't mean you have a community... unless you actually SEE them. And for me, seeing anyone with regularity has been difficult.

I'm learning that having T home at a reasonable hour, while AWESOME, also means I need to find my "me" time elsewhere in my day.

I'm learning that I need the Lord in the midst of my circumstances, even when everything is "right" on paper...especially when things aren't "right" in my heart.

And finally, I'm learning that there is no place (not here nor there nor anywhere) that, in and of itself, will give me a full heart.

Filling a heart takes a lot of work, time, and energy. It takes people who are actively committed to investing in you and your life. It takes boundaries and knowing when and how to say "No" to the demands of your job. It takes purposeful and intentional outreach. And it takes God, and specifically, it takes making time to speak with God and making time in your life for God to work.

For some reason (although I really should know better by now), I was expecting that this transition would be seamless. And in many ways, it has. Amidst all of these complaints that I've just laid out (ha!), things are really good here. And in navigating the places that haven't been, I'm growing as a person, as a wife, and as a Child of God. But I'm still ready to be settled, you know?

So, more prayers please. And to be really vulnerable... if you live here, please hang out with me!! Y'all have gone on to add a ton more friends to your circles these past 2 years and we haven't. We need you cause you're still the only people we know here. Please come alongside of us as we get settled here.

That's it for now. Dinner time, and hopefully T will be home soon. Love you guys!

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