Friday, May 20, 2011

A Different Kind of Fear

It's W this time. I decided it was getting annoying putting "By W" or "By M" in the title so I decided not to. I didn't consult with M about this. She'll probably be mad because she is older than me and likes to be in control of everything, haha.

My thoughts about fear:

Fear is a close friend. Well, rather an "frenemy." You know, one of those things in your life that you know is awful for you, but it's just so dang familiar that you'd rather have it with you for comfort than get rid of it for health? That just sounded like a seriously dangerous thought-- the kind of things alcoholics or strippers might say about their bad life choices. It's also the sort of thing I'd say about eating Taco Bell, though, so don't take it too seriously.

Anyway, fear is with me pretty much always. Mainly, fear of something going terribly wrong. In the last 16 months of my engagement, and for what I am assuming will be a lifetime of marriage and eventually motherhood, this fear has transformed into, "What if something happens to T?"

As M and I have both lamented, it's hard finding the right person. She fears that she'll never find him, or that she'll be (gasp!) 26 when it happens. I have found him, and now I fear that I'll lose him.

M consistently and constructively challenges my fear by reminding me that by indulging this fear, I am putting my hope into something other than Jesus-- my fiance, my future marriage, my own ideas and desires for my future and my future family. And this is true. The fear is based on the idea that I would not be okay if something happened to T. This fear shows that I do not believe that the Lord truly is ALL that I will ever need.

Want to make things more complicated? Factor in my favorite Les Mis quote: "To love another person is to see the face of God." We who believe in the Lord Jesus and believe in his teachings must believe that we love others because he first loved us. Our love is an expression of His, and others' love for us is an expression of His love for us. In this way, I do not just fear losing T-- I fear losing the closest expression of God's love that I have known and felt in the tangible sense.

So, that's where I am with fear. Trying to remember that everything God gives us is an unmerited gift on loan until whenever He decides He wants it back-- whether its money, health, or the people we love most. Just trying to remember that a God who has been so gracious to me can continue to be gracious in ways that I could never anticipate, even knowing that He will, at some point, ask for his gifts back.

And that I will be okay when it happens.

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