Boundaries

If you know me (W) at all, then chances are you have heard me:

1) Recommended that you read a book by Henry Cloud
2) Begin a sentence with the phrase, "Well, Henry Cloud says..."
3) Express my sincere belief that Henry Cloud changed my life

Let me be clear. I do not know Dr. Henry Cloud. I saw him speak once via satellite screen, but that's as close as it gets.  But I have read many of his books (more than any other Christian author), and I do swear by what he writes. He is both a pastor and a clinical psychologist-- what could be better? A book that is both Biblical and self-help all in one? Fabulous!

The main message of his books is that most of our "issues" (anxiety, depression, addiction, helplessness, selfishness, jealousy, etc) boil down to boundaries problems. Basically, that somewhere along the line we have stopped taking responsibility for what is ours, have tried to put the responsibility on others, or have accepted responsibility for stuff that isn't ours.

The quote that I keep coming back to is, "If it were not for you, I would be_________." Fill in the blanks. Who is the "you"? What do you think you would be?

If it were not for T and his crazy work schedule, I would be more emotionally stable. 

If it were not for my kids' ridiculous behavior, I would be working as a teacher next year as well.

If it were not for M, I would be in the top-10 of my graduating class.

How often do we say stuff like this? I don't know about you, but I say it too much. And what it shows is a lack of setting and respecting boundaries about what belongs to me. All of those statements after the commas? Those are all things that are within my control regardless of whatever the person in the front half of the sentence is doing.

The fundamental belief that must shift is the idea that other people make us do and feel things. That others make us feel mad, or sad, or guilty, or happy. In fact, the healthier way to view our interactions with others is to believe that their actions affect us a certain way and that we choose how to respond-- and that we must be responsible for how we respond, no matter the action that incited the response. If I punch a hole in my wall because a friend ruined my favorite sweater, who is responsible for fixing the hole? I am. And while this is easily illustrated with this tangible example of anger and its consequence, the idea of taking responsibility for the negative effects of our feelings regardless of what others have done to invoke them is foreign and hard.

As I enter into the season of my wedding (it's one month from today!!!!), I have been thinking a lot about boundaries. It seems that before Christian couples get married it's all about the physical boundaries-- where can we go, what can we do, what are we trying to stay away from? Yet there is little attention paid to the same three questions in reference to mental and emotional boundaries. The more I think and read, the more I believe it is vital to communicate these boundaries verbally and strictly, just as much as with the physical. Because if I am being responsible for my actions and feelings, than the best thing I can do is be upfront about the actions that make me feel certain ways so that others can be cognizant of their own actions and feelings as well.

It's scary for some reason. It feels weird to say. And maybe it all goes back to the concept in M's post, that we as women feel like we're both too little and too much, and that if we expressed to the people we love how their actions affect us that maybe they would love us a little less.

But trust me, Henry Cloud is (almost) always right. Try it once with something small, like "Hey M, when you say you're going to call and then you don't, it makes me feel frustrated." In doing so, you'll feel better about owning your own feelings, and will work toward preventing the kind of passive-aggression, anxiety, and dormant feelings that we can sometimes harbor.

And that, folks, is your Henry Cloud inspired lesson of the day.